Sunday, February 1, 2015

Best day ever y'all - homeopathic conglomerate lemur

Hello everybody, hope you all are having a lovely day. I almost wrote 'y'all' just then and then I read it back in my head and couldn't help but read 'y'all'! 

Y'all? Seriously 'Y'ALL?' I know right, I just realized that I can read stuff with my mind that I never even wrote! 

That's like proof that when you consider one option but go with a second or possibly even third (if you're a real thinker) option then that alternative universe is definitely created and that in this exact moment I just figured out that I can peek into that dimension by reading stuff with my mind, holy fuck, that's awesome. 

Man, that easily makes today the best day of my life. Fuck what I was going to write about ('running can save your life' was as far as I got). This is like a super power. I have access to all the information people, at least the readable information, which is often the most useful information there is, because you don't have to relay it to someone and worry about awfully racist Chinese whispers scenarios, such as someone telling you 'I'm going home' and you relaying it as 'eye gonorrhea hermaphroditism'. 

With reading you can just hand the second person a piece of paper with the words you wish to relay written on it and there is no chance of confusion.

'Eye gonorrhea hermaphroditism' that is, I mean you're not going to hand them a piece of paper saying 'I'm going home' that's way more boring, plus 'I'm' that doesn't relay well, people are so godamn lazy these days, lay off the contractions, use your actual names and stop making me spread information on why you're not here anymore assholes! 

Sorry, got off track. I can now read stuff in other universes!!! I think I need to read some stuff. I'm not sure how this works so I'm just going to use my instincts and trust that whatever I try and read is right:


Awesome! Wow. This felt like a newspaper headline to me, and wow what a headline! Look at all that information from that other universe - they are humans there, and lemurs and spies and even completely made up words like 'trees'. Sounds awesome. 

Oh cool, I'm reading another thing right now: 

'Freakish young wheelbarrow, freakish like a skyward bound house brick Moldavian scarecrow simulation treat' said the old rake to his young apprentice. 

Ooohh, I think that was a passage from a novel. Sounds awesome. Finally Moldavian gardening tools are getting the simulation treats I've always thought they deserved in this universe! Here comes another:

Today I got my first period

Oh fuck it's a kids diary, get out, stop reading, aaaaghhhh, I can still see it:

I was wearing white underpants too, and I was at school, and I felt cramps then my penis started bleeding

What? please stop brain, I don't want to read anymore:

Girls are so lucky they don't have to deal with their genitalia bleeding

Um, ok. It turns out other universes and dimensions suck, they are unfair, and cruel, and I never want to visit one again. 

I'll teach y'all how to save your lives with running another time. I'm going ho... No, sorry David go home now. 

That's better. 

No comments:

Post a Comment