Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Opinion Jelly

Here's a Dave guide on how to remain still even while someone's saying to you that they are of the opinion that you rock.

Just do it man, stay still. Boom. 

Or even better, screw stillness, send stillness the sad message that stillness is old news, and you're ready to read today's headlines. 

I mean why would you listen to old news? Like check out this headline. 

War Declared in Europe. 

That's old news. But you treat that as new news and you'll totally second guess your plans for a weekend getaway in Paris. 

'Hmm Eiffel tower? But hmm getting shot in the face?' 

That's second guessing and that's more guessing than anyone should guess. 

Consider this example of second guessing:

'I think there's one thousand two hundred and forty two jelly beans in the jar, no no no, wait, one thousand two hundred and forty three'.

Um, sorry dude, there were three thousand seven hundred and ninety eight, you were WAY off. You don't win the jar of jelly beans, and we get to take away one of your boats. Probably the big expensive one. Maybe you should have spent less time second guessing and more time reading the fine print of the guess how many jelly beans are in the jar competition. 

You dumbass. How did someone as dumb as you get in a position to own multiple boats anyway? Are all multiple boat owners so flamboyant with their second guessing and equally lackadaisical with fine print reading? 

Wait. I've just thought of a cool way to get a free boat. Here's what you do. Start a competition where people have to guess shit. Boom free boat. You're welcome. 

Wait, you wanted to know how to stay still even after people say to you that they are of the opinion that you rock. So you already have a boat don't you. 

Fuckers. Ok, well boat owners, check out this new news headline: 

How Many Middle Fingers Am I Holding Up?

(It was none, I'll be expecting some of your boats in the mail). 


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