Saturday, October 24, 2015

Guest blogger - Adam Niven

Daves busy alright, so I'm writing today's blog. 

Do you need a bigger explanation than that? I don't know, he didn't give me intructions, he just called me up, and we caught up for a while, I told him how my kids were doing...
Hal - still married. Still not telling his wife that he had a weird 'needy' relationship with his mother. If you know what I mean, and I hope you don't, cause it's dark and fucked up, Dave knows what I mean though, so we talk about it, whatever, we're friends.
Suz - Still pretending to have cancer to get sympathy at work. She gets that from me. By which I mean I'm a cancer survivor so people believe her, she gets the conniving bitchiness from her mother. 
So you know, standard kid catch up. 

Then we talked about hermit crabs, Dave's for them, claims they're good at reminding sea and land creatures alike that it's ok to hide away sometimes, that's it's ok to carry your house on your back, and that it's ok to have a face full of sand occasionally, something he believes passionately seeing as he's long found sand to be the tastiest of all the  granulated shell and corral based forms of dirt-like substances that are not dirt. I'm not for them because the last time I went to the beach one of them nipped my scrotum. Sure you could say that my scrotum should have been tucked tightly in my shorts, but I've long felt that sand is the third most gentle on the scrotum skin of all the granulated shell and corral based forms of dirt-like substances that are not dirt. So I beach scrot out, other guys do it at the salt flats, it's a personal preference I guess.

Then we talked about curries. Daves against them, because he finds they make him think about how he's not racist, because he'd never call an Indian person a 'curry muncher' but then he realizes that realizing that required him to think it, and if you can think it doesn't it mean that it exists inside of you, hmm, doesn't it, hmmm, doesn't it, hmmmmmm. I'm for them because them stinkin' Indians have got to be worth something.

Then we got talking about how my racism is getting worse. I'm for it, I don't want to be liked by everyone, my ex liked me once and I do NOT want to go through THAT again. Dave's against it, he thinks it's simply ignorance and hate, although he is happy to automatically hate anyone with a nazi smurf tattooed on the third arm they've sourced by killing a toddler and holding a surgeon at gun point till its successfully attached in the place of their dicks, um, he AUTOMATICALLY hates them, doesn't get to know them at all, hypocritical much? 

Then we talked about how we got onto talking about curry and we remembered the salt flats and me talking about guys who prefer to go scrot out at the salt flats, salt being an ingredient occasionally used in curry. Daves for it, he thinks that if we can hurry up and eat all the salt then he'd see less naked guys on his frequent trips to the salt flats to scream at the salt for only being his third favorite shell and corral based dirt-like but not dirt substance to eat, after ground up car parts that someone has dyed and tricked him into believe is sherbet. I'm against it, I always see guys with toddler arms for dicks at the salt flats, I'd rather just eat bland food thankyou. 

Then we talked about how he didn't have time to do his daily blog today because he's busy damn it, BUSY and asked if I could do it? He's against it, because he prefers to ask favors and have them denied and instead develop deeply rooted grudges which he then extracts from his body and let grow and develop in a super heated aquarium he keeps in his log cabin in the middle of Tokyo, one of only 15 log cabins in ALL of Tokyo, and then once the grudges develop into morbid, disgusting, festering mould looking sick looking growths he uploads them to the Internet and sits back and watches what happens next with glee. I'm for it, because I'm jealous of the HUGE audience and acclaim he gets for his blogs. Get this, one time someone said 'nice blog', I fucking want that hard! 

So here I go. Ok, topic, topic. Um, I don't know where to start, how the hell does Dave come up with stuff to write about every day? I'm on my first one and I've got NOTHING to say, fuck. Oh shit. Why did I agree. I've got NOTHING! 

Well um, I don't like walking over drains? Could that be a thing. They make me think of dropping stuff down them. 

'Walking over drains - no thanks, I like my keys, wallet, phone, ear lobe I found and keep meaning to hand in to the ear lobe department of the cops one day, and keys being in my POCKET, not in the drain thanks!'

Alright. That's it done. Phew. Wow, doing a Dave quality blog is easier than I thought. Now time to sit back and wait for the praise. 

By the way I bet Daves FOR walking over drains. That fucker never agrees with me on ANYTHING. I don't even know why we're friends. You know what, I'm going to set him up with my ex-wife, I hate her, it'll be a match made in heaven! 

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