Friday, November 20, 2015
Over the walls
I'm a gusher
I'm a glazer
I'm a grasshopper
I'm a grazer
Yep, life's been hard ever since that witch cursed me to live a life of activities only starting with the letter G.
I've had to impale myself on all manner of spikes (turns out you gush more from your wrists that your heart, who knew?)
I've had to start glazing stuff (mostly donuts, but the odd small Taiwanese old man, they find it hilarious, and then get their hallucinations of dragons to lick it off, which I find hilarious, until the dragons bite me).
I've had to take up Kung-Fu, and then get so good at it that I've become a master, and then I had to steal my master name from a TV show, and I had to win back all the students that I lost due to that name being so on the nose, which I did by pretending it was a lesson in Kung-Fu - 'sometimes when you're too focused on the assailants coming across the walls of your compound you forget to check to make sure a black widow spider isn't gnawing on your nose, and in those times you sort of hope your assailants attack you with whips, but they never do, assailants are assholes'. (Obviously I couldn't become an actual grasshopper, because the green paint was really itchy).
And I had to take up farming, which I struggled with, because harvesting a field of corn can kill up to eighteen grasshoppers, and I feel bad for the little guys, the poor itchy bastards.
Yep it's been tough since that damn witch cursed me. I guess that's what you get for asking 'witch? Is that spelled with a B?'
But in my defense she was climbing over the wall to my compound, and the only weapon she brought was a big black pot, how the hell is that supposed to get a spider off my nose?