Sponges!
Am I right?
You know what I'm talking about?
You know what I'm saying?
They soak shit up!
But why?
What if I wanted that unsoaked?
I often want stuff unsoaked…
Like spilled spaghetti sauce…
Sponge that up and what am I having for dinner?
A spaghetti-flavored sponge?
No fucking thank you…
And yes, I HAVE eaten spaghetti-flavored sponges…
I briefly dated a clumsy Italian who enjoyed cooking…
At first I thought they were some weird dish from her homeland that haven’t made it to restaurants here…
So I told them they were delicious, and not at all hard to chew…
And she'd say 'chew this' then give me the finger…
And I'd think 'yet another dish from her homeland that hasn't made it here' and then I’d chew off her finger…
'How was it?' She'd ask…
And I'd say 'delicious, and not at all difficult to chew', even though if I'd been honest I'd have to admit the bones were hardly chewable at all, and that I'd swallowed them probably only half as much as I'd have normally chewed something for my preferred mush level for pleasurable swallowing, but you can't say that can you? 'Oh your bones aren't soft and easy to swallow', that's the type of thing that they'll sight upon a breakup as a reason for said breakup, 'you never really loved me, you thought my bones were too hard, and chipped your teeth' they’ll say, and you'd have to say 'I NEVER said THAT! I merely said, had I not swallowed them partially intact I MAY have RISKED chipping a tooth' and then she'd be all like 'oh now I'm hard to swallow' and you'd be like 'yes, but bones are supposed to be hard to swallow!' And she'd be all like 'well I never even wanted you to eat my finger, I was just proving that you were lying about liking the sponge spaghetti!'
So I never allowed us to go down that path, I just ate her fingers and said 'mmmmm, yum'…
But then after ten or eleven fingers it hit me that 'wait, in my hypothetical scenario I knew she knew that I was lying about the sponge spaghetti, so in real life she probably knows too’…
'So you just let me eat your fingers like a fool!' I screamed at her randomly, after an awkward trip to the doctor who had asked for a stool sample to see why I'd had recent digestion problems, fortunately he'd had girlfriends too, so he knew all about having fingers in your stool…
'Yes I did' she replied…
'Like a FOOL!' I reiterated…
'Well more like an IDIOT!' She replied…
'You NEVER support me, we'd already established it was a fool, and now you’re changing it, get out!' I yelled.
And she did get out, but she couldn't get a cab because they all thought she was shaking her fist at them…
Which made sense because she often stood in front of our house shaking her fist at cabs…
And sometimes throwing rocks at them…
I thought it was something she'd brought from her homeland…
An Italian delicacy…
But it turned out it was because one of them had 'assumed' all the change was his tip, and even though she had planned to tip that much, he'd taken away her chance to say 'keep the change' which was her favorite saying…
This was seeing as she'd previously been homeless for eight years, standing on the street sating 'spare some change' until one day a man who had just won the lottery replied 'granulation of the imperial cliff faces of the obsolete winds of opportunity are responsible for greater harpooning of school aged whales than any amount of jousting against unicorns could EVER be responsible for, because unicorns are NATURAL jousters, especially if someone straps a joust to those wimpy little horns they have, keep the change'…
And she'd thought 'that IS a change, normally people just say no'…
And then she sought out to find out if what he said had any truth, and took up a career as an unicorn horn joust strapper, which she'd then shoot out of cannons at whales, which really made her worshipped in Japan, as the kids there often dress up as sexual schoolgirls, a thing equally as mythical as unicorns, creating a bond which was stronger than any joust to horn strapping…
And because none of those cabs stopped we were forced to stay together for six more years…
I'm mean what could I do?
So yeah…
Sponges!
You know what I'm talking about?
You know what I'm saying?
They soak shit up!
But why?
What if I wanted that unsoaked?
I often want stuff unsoaked…
Like spilled spaghetti sauce…
Sponge that up and what am I having for dinner?
A spaghetti-flavored sponge?
No fucking thank you…
And yes, I HAVE eaten spaghetti-flavored sponges…
I briefly dated a clumsy Italian who enjoyed cooking…
At first I thought they were some weird dish from her homeland that haven’t made it to restaurants here…
So I told them they were delicious, and not at all hard to chew…
And she'd say 'chew this' then give me the finger…
And I'd think 'yet another dish from her homeland that hasn't made it here' and then I’d chew off her finger…
'How was it?' She'd ask…
And I'd say 'delicious, and not at all difficult to chew', even though if I'd been honest I'd have to admit the bones were hardly chewable at all, and that I'd swallowed them probably only half as much as I'd have normally chewed something for my preferred mush level for pleasurable swallowing, but you can't say that can you? 'Oh your bones aren't soft and easy to swallow', that's the type of thing that they'll sight upon a breakup as a reason for said breakup, 'you never really loved me, you thought my bones were too hard, and chipped your teeth' they’ll say, and you'd have to say 'I NEVER said THAT! I merely said, had I not swallowed them partially intact I MAY have RISKED chipping a tooth' and then she'd be all like 'oh now I'm hard to swallow' and you'd be like 'yes, but bones are supposed to be hard to swallow!' And she'd be all like 'well I never even wanted you to eat my finger, I was just proving that you were lying about liking the sponge spaghetti!'
So I never allowed us to go down that path, I just ate her fingers and said 'mmmmm, yum'…
But then after ten or eleven fingers it hit me that 'wait, in my hypothetical scenario I knew she knew that I was lying about the sponge spaghetti, so in real life she probably knows too’…
'So you just let me eat your fingers like a fool!' I screamed at her randomly, after an awkward trip to the doctor who had asked for a stool sample to see why I'd had recent digestion problems, fortunately he'd had girlfriends too, so he knew all about having fingers in your stool…
'Yes I did' she replied…
'Like a FOOL!' I reiterated…
'Well more like an IDIOT!' She replied…
'You NEVER support me, we'd already established it was a fool, and now you’re changing it, get out!' I yelled.
And she did get out, but she couldn't get a cab because they all thought she was shaking her fist at them…
Which made sense because she often stood in front of our house shaking her fist at cabs…
And sometimes throwing rocks at them…
I thought it was something she'd brought from her homeland…
An Italian delicacy…
But it turned out it was because one of them had 'assumed' all the change was his tip, and even though she had planned to tip that much, he'd taken away her chance to say 'keep the change' which was her favorite saying…
This was seeing as she'd previously been homeless for eight years, standing on the street sating 'spare some change' until one day a man who had just won the lottery replied 'granulation of the imperial cliff faces of the obsolete winds of opportunity are responsible for greater harpooning of school aged whales than any amount of jousting against unicorns could EVER be responsible for, because unicorns are NATURAL jousters, especially if someone straps a joust to those wimpy little horns they have, keep the change'…
And she'd thought 'that IS a change, normally people just say no'…
And then she sought out to find out if what he said had any truth, and took up a career as an unicorn horn joust strapper, which she'd then shoot out of cannons at whales, which really made her worshipped in Japan, as the kids there often dress up as sexual schoolgirls, a thing equally as mythical as unicorns, creating a bond which was stronger than any joust to horn strapping…
And because none of those cabs stopped we were forced to stay together for six more years…
I'm mean what could I do?
So yeah…
Sponges!
I Am right…
You know what talking about…
You know what talking about…
You know what I am saying…
Those fuckers….
Plus sometimes cleaning them becomes harder than cleaning the thing you cleaned with them….
So you end up just buying more of them….
And who can afford that AND doctors to fish sponge spaghetti and fingers out of your colon?
Those fuckers….
Plus sometimes cleaning them becomes harder than cleaning the thing you cleaned with them….
So you end up just buying more of them….
And who can afford that AND doctors to fish sponge spaghetti and fingers out of your colon?
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