Monday, November 16, 2015
Blow me down
Harvey, a hurricane, got into a fight with his wife over finances, and stormed out of the house (ha ha, stormed).
He was angry, and upset, and feeling unappreciated; all unfamiliar feelings to Harvey, 'I'm a hurricane, being universally appreciated is all I've got' he thought, as he began to wander around randomly and aimlessly, or more accurately to focus on venting in his mind 'aimlessly, who comes up with this shit, you can't be completely devoid of aim, even if your aim is to be aimless that's still an aim!' He thought, grizzily, which lead to a whole other internal rant about bears, and how 'they may be called grizzlies, but some of the time they're just being fucking playful, you dicks!'
When suddenly he realized that he'd gotten way off course, way, way off course, and he found himself somewhere he definitely was not supposed to be - tornado alley.
He immediately turned bright red with embarrassment, but this made him look like an evil hurricane, leading to six nuns screaming for God to have mercy on sinners, which of course only made him feel more embarrassed.
Leading to him starting to sweat and breathe heavy, making people think he was attacking, and so they began to dive for shelters, loot grocery stores, and run back and forth over the street with their arms above their heads and screaming.
He tried to explain that he wasn't meant to be there, that it was a mistake, but with the mortification of his situation affecting him, his throat had closed and his mouth was dry, so it came out as an angry groan, and nuns began to loot shelters, and people began to dive into nuns, which wasn't easy, as they weren't used to having people inside them (ha ha), and mercy itself began to sin, which was tough because the Ten Commandments for Mercy are very different than those for humans, and read as follows:
1. Thou shall not get angry when your chips get hooked, and fail to come out of the vending machine.
2. Thou shall not get pissed off and shovey when people get to the top of the escalator and just stop.
3. Thou shall not get all angsty when the radio plays the same six shit ass songs over and over.
4. Thou shall not get fucked off when dickheads buy tickets to concerts they have no intention of going to, just hoping to resell them at profit.
5. Thou shall not point out that this list has curse words, if mercy can't forgive that shit, then who can?
6. Thou shall not complain that the things on this list are unreasonable, you're mercy for fucks sake, you only exist because of a lack of reason.
7. Like I'm not saying the people who do those things don't deserve to be smited, scolded or even smeared across a building after being dragged behind a truck for an hour, just have some compassion while you're doing it.
8. And just because the humans got ten of these doesn't mean you're going to get ten, stop being greedy you dick. The end.
9. No wait, and stop showing up in pop-songs, you are never used right, it's embarrassing, have some dignity.
10. Oh, and if you think you have it hard, you should see the list I gave dignity! They can't even cry at the end of sports movies!
11. Fuck that's ten, that really undermines number eight, um, thou shall not be shown to those who really deserve it, but routinely given to people who clearly do not, that'll do.
Obviously, given the list, it was hard for mercy to sin, as due to that number eleven a third tablet was needed, and Moses refused to carry them down from the mount; to quote Moses at the time 'I only have two hands asshole!'
'You're going to stick the third in your asshole'? Came the reply.
And because of that quip he refused to carry even two.
Harvey knew his situation was hopeless, his reputation was not redeemable here, so he tucked his tail between his legs, and backed out slowly.
Then, just as the danger seemed to be passed, and people were climbing back out of the nuns, and mercy was making fun of he nuns to cover up its own shame, Harvey used that tail to knock over a hospital and two schools, 'meh, I'm still a hurricane' it said as it was doing it.
It wasn't that bad in the end though, barely anyone noticed because everyone was distracted watching mercy attempt to sin by drinking a mug of donkey sweat, Moses really did screw over Mercy by not grabbing that list.