Tuesday, November 17, 2015


I know what your thinking...

'I'm modern, I'm 21st century, I'm sophisticated, I don't need the things they needed in yesteryear, like the newspaper delivered to my house, a housewife to make my dinner, dinner microwaved in asbestos packaging, a Sunday best to wear to church, a cure for polio, cartoons on Saturday morning to watch while sitting on a siblings head and farting, the word yesteryear, or a shovel'. 

Well I'm here to tell you that you're wrong! And not just about the usual things, like that that outfit looks good on you, but also about the things you just mentioned above, like the shovel, and possibly the word yesteryear, but definitely the shovel. 

Consider this every day, completely normal, life like situation: 

You meet someone new...

(Please note: for those not good at talking to strangers and meeting them, myself included, a new person can be assigned to you for only $59.99, through my new business - New People For You!)

(Please note 2: Want to make an easy $20? My company - New a people For You! - is hiring, and I'm guaranteeing 100% of purchasers money goes to you! I don't take a cut at all, I swear.)

And say this new person becomes a significant person in your life. I don't know why, maybe before this you were an asshole and so no one liked you, but this new person is paid to like you, and they didn't read the small print that said 'for life', and this new friend of yours is an idiot, just a real moron, they didn't even realize I ripped them off $49.99, how stupid can they be? So you have a new friend for life. 

But who wants an idiot friend? No one. Well most people, smarter friends suck, I know, that's why few people want to be my friend, I'm just so much smarter than them, they de-friend me like the wind! But YOU'RE not the type of person who wants a dumb friend, so you need to get rid of them. And you can't just de-friend them, because that's cruel (trust me), and because they have a contract, so what do you do?

If you have no shovel? Nothing. They'll your best man or maid of honor if your capable of finding a spouse (which you won't be with this loser hanging around), they'll be your key eulogist when you die, when they go on job interviews it will be wearing clothes nicked from your closet, when they fail to get jobs it'll be your smart phone they pawn to pay rent, which they then won't pay because they live at your place and you'll let them off, and it'll be they who say 'yesteryear' so much that you'll poke out your own eardrums with a knitting needle to end the horror. 

If you've got a shovel? Boom, you've  got a shovel motherfucker, so just say 'dig a hole' but don't tell them how big a hole, they'll just keep on digging, assuming, incorrectly, that you'll say 'done' at some point.

(Please note 3: If you need someone to bring them lemonade occasionally so they don't get suspicious, come see me at - New People For You! We have a special deal, for $59.99 times two, you can get TWO people! Plus if you have a shovel, once the second person becomes unnecessary, just smack them in the head with a shovel till they're dead. 'Where am I going to bury them' I hear you ask. You've got a shovel, just dig a hole you lazy dick!)

(Please note 4: Need a job? I have openings all the time at - New Person For You! Guaranteed to be a whole lot of fun, no no no, a WHOLE lot of fun, fuck did it again, a HOLE lot of fun!)

But that's not all, think of these great uses for a shovel: 

Got a lot a lot of paperwork at the office? Just shovel it into the office fire-pit.

Got a virgin, just shovel her into a volcano.

Got a wild monkey in your bedroom? 
Just shovel some ladies in and have an orgy. 

Got some guys beard hair caught in your underpants, well we've all been there, nothing a shovel can do to help. 

Pasta too bland, sprinkle some shovel on the top.

Haven't been to the dentist for a while? Sprinkle some shovel on your pasta and you'll need a dentist! 

Dentist charges too much? Shovel some small change in, he'll never count it. 

Got too much small change, well change is as good as a holiday you dick, stop boasting.

Got someone calling you a 'dick' all the time, shovel them in the dick. 

Accidentally prompting people to shovel you in the dick? Just swap your dick out for a high powered magnet and you'll get a free shovel.

Sell that idea to the stock market? And you'll be a shovel and magnet magnate! 

Yes, shovels are great, buy one today, now available at my new store - New Shovel For You!

(Please Note 5: Miss sitting on siblings head while farting? Come see me at - New Person For You! We've got staff waiting by to be farted on!)

(Please Note 6: Come work for me at - New Person For You! We're one of the few industries where inexplicably demand is WAY larger than supply!)

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