Thursday, November 26, 2015

Thank all over this bitch

Today is Thanksgiving, somewhere or something, and apparently that's about giving thanks, something I'm an EXPERT at. 

Now I'm no expert in thanks, nor gratitude, ESPECIALLY gratitude, if I'm honest, because I like to shorten it to 'tude', to be fun and playful, and yet when I say 'hey bra, let me peg some tude in your face, just spit tude right at ya, I want to fucking decimate you with my my fat fucking tude', the people I say it to never seem to enjoy it. And this pissed me off.

'What'd you say dude?' They'll reply. 
'Fuck man, I hit you with some tude dude, wrung a wet towel load of it right on your forehead, you're not gonna say thanks?' I'll say, and then fisticuffs break out, and I don't care for that, who wants brain fragments on their knuckles?  

Thanks is no better either, if I'm honest. I tried to give thanks to Calligraphy once, you know for no longer being the communication choice of choice, for the bad egg kids to pass notes around in class, but that didn't work either, and it pissed me off.

'You calling me obsolete dude?' it replied.
'Fuck man, nah I just hit you with some thanks for not holding onto your grip of the bad eggs in their pursuit of meaningful communication in a world quietly retreating from real connection into the cold and metallic weak arms of technology, and I'm hitting you with thanks right in your unnecessarily fancy, flourishingly decorative, free-flowing, fornicationally, fucking face till your eyes are bleeding' and then fisticuffs broke out, and trust me, washing pen ink of your knuckles is even harder than brain. 

So yeah, thanks and gratitude, not my thing. My things are:

- Bitterness 
- Resentment
- Rankerment
- Raw ankle meat 
- Uncooked cookware, with soy 
- Umbrage 
- Underaged leather straps to strap down overaged ankle picklers
- Rage 
- Vehemence
- Having a thesaurus on my phone 
- Extending lists past their usefulness 
- Forgetting what the point of today's blog was 
- Vengeance 
- Oh that's right, giving thanks 
- Alright, so time to end this list now 
- Hey fuck you, you don't tell me when to end shit, I tell YOU when to end shit
- Ah man, now we're gonna have fisticuffs, and punching lists always ends up with list spleen getting on my knuckles. 

But today is Thanksgiving, so instead of getting all negative, I'm going to be thankful, here's a list of things to be thankful for that I prepared earlier: 

- 'Hieroglyphics' Because the Hieroglyphic's symbol for the word 'Hieroglyphic' itself is a man standing in front of an ox, ha ha, what an idiot! Who stands in FRONT of an ox, you have to stand beside it so it considers you an equal and doesn't try to fornicate with your mule. Man, the Hieroglyphite people sure had an awesome sense of humor. 
- 'Standing beside' for being a stand up guy, unlike 'standing up', who's always siding with the underbelly, and forcing sleeping dogs to lie, leading low down dirty stomach itches.
- 'Dirt' for being great to have on a foe, especially in the middle of a dirt fight.
- 'Being' for being the world's only 'ing' word to have a scent, I mean the scent is burnt back hair, but at least it's trying stuff! Not like 'heaving', the lazy bitch.
- 'Hair' for looking great on heads of all sorts, but particularly on head of states, and particularly on the heads of their penises. 
- 'States' for having wonderfully lubricant bone marrow, making it one of the easiest things known to man to wash off your knuckles. 

Happy thanks everyone. 

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