Sunday, January 10, 2016
Oft forgotten benefits of walking
Oft forgotten benefits of walking
I'm out on a long walk as I write this. Which makes sense because I'm a frequent walker. A big walker even. So much so that sometimes when people see me they say stuff like 'check it out, Dave's walking, we should call him a "walker", ha ha, check out how clever we are', and then the bar manager who has overheard this gets the bouncer to literally fling them to the pavement yelling 'we don't fucking let people claim to be clever in here who in fact are NOT at all clever, EVER, how fucking dare you soil my establishment with those lies!' And then the bar manager will go 'hey, hey, hey, "your" establishment? Um hello, hello, answer the phone, hello, it's MY fucking establishment', and then a curious onlooker would pipe up and say 'um, I hate to be a dirty eavesdropper, I mean apart from anything, have you heard how goddamn boring most of what people say is? Just try listening in to people for a while, you'll start to think your average human should be dumped in a sewer, you know, just to give them a pithy "have you heard my sewer story yet? No? Get THIS, someone DUMPED me in one!" story to tell, but having overheard the exchanges taking place over there, I got to say, I feel like the bouncer was only repeating something you'd told him to say, and his use of "my" reflected, if anything, a FLAWLESS rendition of your intent, plus, um, hello, your using "hello" THIS year? Who the fuck are you to also admonish someone else's lack of cleverness?' Which then leads his wife to think 'that's it, I said if he stuck his nose into someone else's business one more time I'd fuck his best friend, damn it I wish his best friend wasn't the President of The United Legion of Chaos, he did say to the media last week that if he didn't get laid by the end of the month he'd disband the group, but if he did het laid he'd facilitate anarchy world-wide by the end of the decade, now it's going to end up being hard to find a good masseuse on short notice, who wants to live in a world like that?'
Yep. That's right. Are your shoulder muscles slightly tight right now? Do you have zero credit card bills that your wife is going to seriously question? Does the Thai place down the road do nothing but serve delicious food? Well that's only true because of MY walking!
So let's talk about walking.
Other than fitness, respect of peers, firm buttocks, great hair, free donuts, a heightened sense of sensing which people near you claim with annoying arrogance to have a sixth sense of some sort, and access to street garbage, there are also benefits of walking that we do NOT think about every single time we walk anywhere, whether it be from to Santiago and back, or to gingerly walking to the lavatory trying not to let our housemates know some of last nights 'is this still alright to eat?' left over pigeon tongue soup has already breached its protection clench and is rapidly filling our britches.
Yep, I'm talking the oft forgotten benifits of walking, here are my favorite twenty:
1. It's a great way to figure out if that dream you had last year where you lost your foot to a lions mouth was real or just a dream.
2. How else are you going to find out if that stuck up, pretentious, manikin in front of the bikini store down the road still has an attitude problem? Would it fucking hurt to smile occasionally? There's oft forgotten benifits in smiling too you arrogant fool!
3. So you are somewhere. But somewhere else seems like it might be a better somewhere. You could use 'walking' to get to 'walk' over to the host of where you are and tell them off for throwing a shit thing.
4. Only walkers have EVER won a gold medal in walking at the olympics, suck on that fish! (Not sucker fish, we all know they have a monopoly on winning the sucking golds, AND the algae eating golds, save some for us you selfish dicks!)
5. Got someone who calls you their 'pal'? They always want to hear your stories walking. What kind of a shit pal are you if you don't come through?
6. Struggle to spell he word 'car'? Well your texts to friends about how you're getting to their homes need not be a pathetic embarrassment with wallkying.
7. You'll finally have an excuse to wear shoes, which can save you thousands on private feet washers.
8. Not one character in the whole of Shakespeare took an automobile anywhere, are you saying you're better than Capernikis in Midnight on the Glen? Fuck you! That guy unified FOUR counties in Western Wales with his beautiful lyrical speeches, FOUR! I bet YOU'VE barely unified three counties!
9. Sometimes when out walking you can see a bird. It'll finally give you something to talk to your pet bird about.
10. You occasionally get to walk past someone who's been flung to the pavement.
11. It's a good way to get places.
12. Especially places said to be 'accessible by foot'.
13. And ESPECIALLY when your foot is at the mechanics needing a new fan-belt.
14. Are fan-belts still a thing?
15. Seems like all the best movies in the 80s included busted fan-belts, like Top-gun, Ghostbusters, Aliens, Ben Hur, and who can forget when the busted fan-belt sunk blew up the original Death Star. But you never see it anymore.
16. Ah fuck, I bet all the modern feet have 'air-conditioning' instead of belts now.
17. For shame.
18. Walking is like giving a massage to the earth. Oh, you're going to complain about the The United Union of Chaos making it so it's hard to get a quality masseuse for you at short notice, but you won't give the earth a massage?
19. For shame.
20. It's a great way to find out if the last time someone called you 'shameless' they actually meant to call you 'footless'.
Yep, walking it makes you thiner, it makes you a better walker, it makes it so the next time a crow tries to eat your eye you'll know the secret code to get them to eat your neighbors eye instead, if it was a flavor it would be 'lightening coming out of a volcano in a snow storm behind a Korean barbecue restaurant', it comes is seven convenient sizes, and is guaranteed to be stain free till 2017 or your money back, yep, there are many ways which walking is great that we all think about daily, but there are also oft forgotten ones, what are some of your favorites?