Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Five - crowned request

The things that change your life rarely happen how you think that they will. They may be inspired by long term plans and sustained efforts, or they may come before you've even considered a possibility of change, but when the change actually happens it usually comes swiftly, and out of the blue, like a smack in the head from a surfboard someone accidentally dropped out of a hot-air balloon, which has happened to me three times, yet only once by choice. 

Like I remember exactly where is was and what was happening the day I found out that I'd never be the King of England. It was that devastating that every detail was burned in my brain.

I was at a bar somewhere, and I wasn't wearing a jumper so it must have been summer or heated room, and I think some other people were around, although that might be my wedding I'm thinking of, which didn't end in a marriage because I forgot to go, when suddenly, pow, a movie about a King came on the TV! 

I immediately said out-loud 'that'll be me one day', possibly to people I was with, if I had been with people, or possibly to a stranger if I'd been alone, and someone, possibly someone I was with, or possibly a stranger, replied 'No you won't'! 

I didn't know what he was talking about, so I calmly began to look into it. And, well, over a few months of research, questioning my relatives, studying the history of people lying about their ancestral backgrounds, home DNA testing to test those lies for myself, then going to school to learn how do DNA testing the correct way, (after finding out that just looking at two peoples hair, skin flakes or body fluids and seeing if they sorta look alike is apparently wrong), then redoing those tests, then asking my relatives if they knew how to grow other people's hair, skin and body fluids, then doing some research into the history of people lying about their ability to grow other people's hair, skin and body fluids, I finally came to the conclusion swiftly, and out of the blue, that maybe my parents were telling the truth when they said we were not the British royal family. 

Why the truth now? They'd lied about so much in their lives, like for example:

- My underpants had NOT ended up growing into my body because I refused to change or wash them for three years. I'd been able to get them off just as easy as most scabs in the end.
- I'd actually taken TWO eyes out by throwing darts at my brothers, not AN eye. And 
- I did leave it alone, and it still fell off, my third ear that is, that was growing on the back of my neck. And I'm not even sure why they thought that I wouldn't want it to fall off. I mean I sold that thing to Luke Guff for a buck twenty five! 

So finding out suddenly like that, that they'd told the truth that I wasn't Royal was a real blow. But then many years later I discovered that in restaurants 'the customer is king'. I suddenly didn't care if I was King of England, as long as I'd get to be a king of something one day. So I kept this fact in my brain for many years, just waiting for the right time to use it to my advantage. 

'No I will not eat this glass!' I suddenly declared, while spitting out the three shards I'd already begun chewing on 'In fact, I will instead take a menu!' I stated in a deep booming voice across the restaurant, like the fact it was, with big sweaty fact knowing power, which left ripples of fact flowing through the air, one of which knocked a picture of a clown fish off the wall which landed on Kev's wailing face. Although it may also have been time and gravity that knocked it off. Almost all the art was falling off. It was almost like it was just left around by the old owners and then never touched. It was a pretty shitty restaurant. I even forgot that it WAS a restaurant briefly when the lights were in my face. Have I mentioned that yet? It was Kev's idea to come here of course, what an asshole. 

'Not like to eat though' I added as an aside, while scratching at the scar behind my neck, as it had suddenly occurred to me that the way I had declared what I'd stated kind of made it sound like I was asking for a menu to eat, instead of ordering food to eat off, assuming they were out of plates, it seemed like that sort of place. 

'What kind of idiot would eat a menu. That's absurd!' I now yelled. 

Now I felt like I was overcompensating. There was only one way to reel this back in. I'd have to prove that I had ALWAYS been hungry for real food. And there was only one way to do that - I'd have to order a BIG meal, and order it NOW. And it would have to be REALLY big, and REALLY now, cause they'd already said the kitchen was closing soon, so I'd probably not have a chance to order seconds... Or would I? 

To be more of* 

*Another way of saying that there's   more to come, seriously someone really fucked up with not having more synonyms for continued. Like REALLY fucked up. I guess it's up to me to look into that. Or is it?* 

To be explored* 

You know, like as if there wasn't already enough drama to juggle here! 

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