Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Eight - Splashing To The Back Half

I had pondering about retribution to do. And I needed to ponder BIG, and it had to be NOW.

So naturally I decided to first ponder over the last time I'd pondered, and see if I could remember if that pondering had achieved the goals I'd hoped to achieve, and if so were there therefore lessons I could remember to implement in this current dire situation, because if so this would allow me to ponder whether I wanted to repeat that success or try and find a new fresh solution, which obviously is something which would require some quite serious pondering.

Lucky there was a fish tank I could tip over to make a pond to ponder by, which I did immediately.  A kid yelled at me for spilling it on his head, but what the hell was a kid doing standing next to a fish-tank?

As the fish began their merry flapping dance I was hypnotized back into the back of my mind, I knew I'd hung on to that part of my brain for a reason. I don't get why so many people sell theirs. I know the look is in, but so were eyeball candles for a few years, but we all got over it when the trend moved on to wrapping your sexiest scarfs around a tomahawk, and then hacking it into your shins and leaving it imbedded in. And burned out eyes are easy to replace, you just nick some off a fly, they have hundreds. But where are you going to find the back half of a brain with your own memories in it?

I'll tell you where, at my new store 'Brian's Back Half Of Brains'. Hire me, and I will source the back half of a brain, jam it into my own head, then re-live up to a hundred of your favorite memories, then cut it out and jam it into your head. Let's see. For say $39.99 for up to fifty memories, and $22.99 more for anything above fifty? The only problem I can see is that my name isn't Brian. Not sure I want to change my name just for a brilliant business scheme. Hmm. I'll ponder it. Either way - copywrite.

Back in the back of my brain now I was remembering the last time I'd pondered....

I was around at Kev's place showing off the fedoras I'd installed in place of my kneecaps, as was the style that week, when Kev out of the blue verbally attacked me!
'Looks great dude' he said 'then again seems like any trend that comes along you can join in and make it your own in a fun yet cool way, I'm jealous' he smacked me with.
'Join in, seriously Kev, you dick. I've only seen ten or twelve other people do this so far, I don't join trends I START them!' I yelled back. Then I kicked him hard in the kneecaps.
'I bet now you're going to say I just "joined in" kicking you in the knees because that's what your father always did disciplining you and it's the reason behind the severe emotional damage you told me that your therapy and medication can't seem to overcome?' I said.
'Well no, I think I want to say thank you. I think you just snapped by right kneecap back in place. That's been bothering me since dad kicked it out when I was twelve. Oh my god. I can bend my leg properly again, thank you, THANK you! I'm finally free of this horrible ordeal that's plagued every day of my life for over twenty years!!! Thank YOOOOUUU!'

Fucking Kev. What a dick. Today was supposed to be about my fedora caps. Not his kneecaps. What a sheep, almost EVERYONE had kneecaps. What I was doing was fresh and new. But they were tainted now. So I needed them out. And that's when it happened, I pondered, and my pondering, like all good pondering, was focused like steel, and right to the point with flawless levels of intelligence and clarity as clear as a window made from fresh new air!

'Sticking Trilbies in there would be fresh and new, and the current surgery wounds are still fresh and new, so it would be easy to get it done today!'

I needed to get them put in NOW, and Kev had a BIG car which was helpful since I was in a wheelchair (and would be till I had real kneecaps put back in when the different type of knee hat trend would end later that week).

'Hey dick! Drive me to the hospital!' I yelled at Kev.
'Of course buddy' he replied. And off we went.

That was then. Now I snapped back out of my pondering about pondering. Like the fish before me snapping back to life as staff rushed to put them in glasses of water. Dicks, that was my pondering pond.

So 'doing something "fresh and new" had been the solution the last time I had pondered. And it had worked out great. So why not just do that again. I knew what I had to do. Kick the waiter in the kneecaps. And I had to use a BIG kick and I had to do it NOW!!!

Probably to be unfurled further*

*Depending on whether I instead pursue this other genius idea I just had, Willie's Windows Made From Fresh New Air! Let's see, 39.99 for up to fifty windows, and 29.99 for anymore after that up to a hundred? The only problem I can see is that my name isn't Willie, not sure I want to change it just for a brilliant business scheme. Hmm. I'll ponder it. Either way - copywrite.

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