Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Eighteen - Spread All Over

If you're anything like me, and I assume that you are, then there are certain things about us that I can assume we share. Like for example I bet we ALL share following three step routine as we wake up every morning: 

1. We sit up in our pile of trash that we're using as a bed, having locked ourselves out of our homes permanently, prop ourselves up with some pillows, and wipe the slugs off our testicles. 
- 'Testicles' of course being the nickname we've given our lettuce patch. 
- 'Lettuce patch' being what we call the weird endlessly leaky rash that's where we used to have a tomahawk imbedded in our shins. 
- 'Weird' being what call something clearly not worrisome, and definitely worth taking lots of photos of to send to people we admire.
2. We then eat some breakfast. 
- Usually some toast, perhaps with tomato, cheese and lettuce. 
- 'Toast' being what we call the tiles we found in a box behind the burned down school. 
- 'Tiles' being what we call a finely cooked buffet of breakfast classics both savory and sweet, depending on what you demand, to be enjoyed in our pile of trash that we're using as a bed.
- And 'Pile of trash' being what we call our mate Dick's bed.
- 'Dick' being what we sometimes call our mate Kev
3. We then shower, get dressed, and get on with our day.
- 'Shower' being what we call dousing ourselves in movie stuntman grade lighter fluid and lighting ourselves on fire to boldly burn off that morning's congregation of body lice and maggot infestations found on our bodily body parts, such as skin, hair, and newly developed bodily openings. 

This is the classic way to start the day. Although obviously we all have some fluctuations from time to time. Like for example sometimes Kev has accidentally had the locks to his apartment changed and for a couple of days you have to just call things what they are because Ol' Herb (the guy that also sometimes lives in the dump behind the burned down school) doesn't understand metaphors, which sucks because it makes breakfast disgusting. Tomato, cheese and leaky rash on toast? Yuck, tomato! It literally grew ON something, that's foul.

But still, the point is, you can see how we're all similar. So like you, when I whip out MY 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' diary, I don't just start sketching out things. I first have to warm up my drawing skills, which is what I did NOW, and in my BIG 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' sketchpad, as I like to draw things life size.

Luckily Kev was passed out now, so I had a perfect model, even if I couldn't get his pants off to get him nude like a proper model, because for some reason he had a knife stuck through his pants and jammed into his skin, and so pulling down his pants was troublesome. Still I did manage some good warm up sketches of things in the room, including but not limited to:

- A drawing of Kev, pants pulled down just below his junk, pointing at it, with a thought bubble thinking 'talk about being a Dick, am I right?' 
- Six sketches of frogs pretending to be giant caribou, pretending to be four mountains, that think they are cathedrals, that always have been and only ever will be mere specks of dust.
- A picture of Kev, pants pulled down just below his junk, pointing at it, with a thought bubble thinking 'wow, it IS true what people say, if you want to know how big a guy's junk is just look at his hands, because sometimes they're pointing directly at said junk, so you know how to find it'. 
-  A room of people staring at me, muttering to themselves, obviously in awe of my drawing skills.
- Sketches of dozens of waitstaff for some reason carrying plates of food out from the cloak room. 
- A sketch of a half eaten burrito as seen from the point of view of its mind eye, in which it was actually a giant submarine speeding through the water, torpedoing a fancy resort town, even though it's been half eaten by a giant squid, that itself was half eaten by a swarm of flesh eating ants that had ran for the sea after a man had tried to burn them off him. 
- A sketch of the manager standing over me with an angry facial expression and pointing towards the restaurant exit, obviously jealous that the waiters were getting sketched before him so threatening to walk out if I didn't sketch him next, that needy dick. No wonder people hate management. 
- A sketch of Kev, pants pulled down just below his junk, with the three specks of dust drawn double life sized next to it, but with an arrow pointing at the junk and the dust saying 'REGULAR life sized, dust not doubled at all, I swear'.

Obviously the last one, ha ha, was just for fun, something I normally wouldn't do when I was in danger NOW, and especially when the danger was BIG as it was NOW, but I figured I had a bit of time up my sleeves, as these sketches altogether  took less than three hours. And I'd impressed so many people that three quarters of the clientele had left the whole establishment to go tell their friends. Even my waiter had left, I assume to go gather his daughters, as he clearly now wanted me to marry one of them as soon as possible, especially if one of my drawings was up for grabs as a reverse engagement gift, needy dick.  

I was finally ready to draw the 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' and I therefore about to find out exactly what danger I was in: 

- First I drew myself drowning in a tidal wave of submarine blood oozing out of a half eaten submarine, and I KNEW instinctively that THIS was what my tooth was warning me of. But then I remembered that giant squid LOVE the taste of submarine blood, and would surely have licked it all up, so this was implausible. 
- Second I drew a seventeen thousand man army of horse bound jousters storming the restaurant, and I just KNEW instinctively that THIS was what my tooth was warning me about. But then I looked closely at some of the jousters in the back and noticed their facial expressions screamed 'ahh man, why am I always in the back, this sucks, it's not like Scotty up there in the front is THAT much better a jouster than me, this sucks' and I just KNEW that when you're feeling hard done by, you NEVER call a guy named Scotty his preferred name elongation, you just call him Scott, so I knew this was implausible. 
- Next I drew a picture of someone standing next to me with a thought bubble thinking 'I'm not sure that you really ARE hero, in fact I think you just kicked an old man for no real reason'. And I never even considered this could be plausible for a single second, I mean if someone thought that why'd they leave the restaurant to go tell their friends about what a hero I was? 

But then it happened, with just my fourth drawing I drew something really cool, and I just KNEW instinctively that this WAS what my tooth was warning me about. Yep I DEFINITELY was in danger, and it DEFINITELY was BIG, and in regard to it needing action NOW, well that was something definitely DEFINITE! 

Because this was a type of danger that was FRESH and NEW. It was eery, once again my 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' diary had flawlessly revealed the truth, and this was a truth that would affect me BIG and it effected me NOW! 

Coming up the subject of the fourth drawing will be exposed*

*Much like Kev's junk in the restaurant, which surprisingly didn't have a single patch of flesh eating insect OR bacteria on it, I really must remember to ask him his secret. 

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