Friday, April 15, 2016

How to be a sweetie

Let's face it, when people think of me they all think the following things:

1. The exact same first thing - 'that guy eats too many spiders'. 
2. Then after that they all also think the exact same second thing - wait, did I think 'eats too many spiders' I meant 'eavesdrops on too many slippery conversations about grieving window shoppers'.
3. And then around fifteen percent of those people all think the exact same third thing - 'he's such a sweetie, I wish I knew his secrets'.
4. And the other eighty five percent think the exact same third thing - 'he's such a sweetie, I DEMAND to know his secrets!' 

Well I have something to say about all four of those things.

1. How can 14 an hour be too much of ANYTHING? Easily. I think that put that to bed.
2. Give them a break, the window shoppers have tonnes of reason to be grieving damn it, ever since it was discovered that window shopping didn't add much to a shops bottom line half of them won't even let them inside to window shop! Assholes. 
4. Demanding something from me will get you NOTHING. Just for that I'm not EVER revealing my secrets.
3. I like you, here's my secret: 

The key to being a sweetie is to have a signature sweet thing to say to someone - a romantic outpouring of sorts - something useful in almost any situation you wish to to be sweet in. 

If you can't come up with one on your own here is one I wrote for you, just follow this to the letter and you'll be a sweetie whenever you desire, or even when it's DEMANDED of you (which once you've established you're a sweetie, will happen ALL the time, people sure are dicks): 

Dear (insert your own sweeties name here, if you don't know it feel free to use 'sweetie', 'honey', 'you there' or 'it'). 

'I feel so connected to you (this line works best if you are not currently physically connected to them, as we are talking about an emotional or metaphysical connection, as that's sweetier, if you forgot to let go of them before saying this quickly shove them away, and reinstate your verbal line of connection. Also maybe spend a few moments really pondering your current consistency of physical connection, is it concentrated and creative? Well apologize damn it. No one wants someone clingy, unless they're made of melted Tupperware, in which case they just want some sort of melted left over casserole, but I bet this applies to eight percent of you at best)'.

'I feel so connected to you (reinstatement makes you seem committed, and for those of you who HAVE cooked yourself into a casserole will help distract your sweetie from watching you now melt yourself), connected like we're as one, almost like our minds have been melted together' (if you HAVE melted yourself use a different a metaphor as this may otherwise be confusing)'.

'Oh wow, imagine MELTED brain, ewwww, it would be like melted cheese only more brain like, yuck (actually, now that I think of it, if you have melted yourself go back and unchange that last metaphor, confusion is like mystery, and mystery is mysterious!)'.

'Yum, melted cheese (Wait, If your replacement metaphor included leaves falling from trees at light speed, then go back and unchange the unchange and stick with that, because that sounds badass. Actually everyone go back and do that)'. 

'Like imagine if you ordered a fondue and instead of melted cheese you got served melted brain, and if you dipped your bits of bread in there like stringy bits of brain would be oozing off it. Yuck. And you'd probably still eat some before you you REALLY looked into what exactly it was, you'd be all like - this cheese is a tad weird - I wonder what the cheese blend is - the Swiss are known for interesting cheeses right, well Swiss cheese obviously, but this one is meatier, and stringier than most - and darker, and it's a communal pot shared by the collective diners, so you'd probably all taste it, and no one wants to be the first to say you don't like it, cause what if everyone else likes it and you don't? (Yeah, nah, go back and unchange the unchange and rechange it back to the melted metaphor, otherwise they could well be confused, and confusion can be confusing)'. 

'Aren't I sweet, I'm talking about Switzerland, and Switzerland is a romantic place (this is a great line, it tells them how to think about you, and people will think pretty much anything you tell them)'.

'And for the record, yes I would eat your brain (slightly dangerous territory in your quest for sweetness, people don't like things to be 'on the record', but the rest is strong enough to counter this. People like to know that you're not grossed out by their insides). 

'I love a brainy person, that's a pun! (Although I just remembered that I had you all go back and use that leaf metaphor which means you're all currently a melted casserole trying to be sweet to melted Tuppaware, wow, you guys are WEIRD! Good, sweeties are always weirdos). 

'And I also love a warm bath, a night watching movies, good music, and funny cartoons of hippos (if your sweetie isn't a warm bath, a night watching movies, good music or a funny cartoon of hippos shove them away, life's to short to be sweet to something you don't love).

And that's it. You'll now be a sweetie like me. 

Have fun everyone one. And remember next time you see window shopper inside a store, shove them away, they're not contributing to the store's bottom line at all! Then give them a hug. They deserve it, for some reason people keep being mean to them. 

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