Either way hand me a towel

I know what you're thinking - 'this is a lovely swim I'm having right now, the weather is nice, the water is cool, the nearby wildlife is chirpy, the wi-fi in this jungle is strong, I still dislike the thought of my chair breaking into a million pieces and having to pick up each one turning into a giant scorpion frog, and even though I forgot to call back Jeremy I don't care, frankly Jeremy hasn't been that good of a friend lately, he didn't even call me to congratulate me when that splinter I'd had for three years finally came out, along with a surprisingly green chunk of finger flesh, so life is good, really good, there's only one thing bothering me, what if this river I think I'm swimming in is actually not a river at all, and instead it's a giant mural of scene from the movie The Sandwich Crafter, painted onto the side of a giant drivable drill designed to drill to the center of the earth, that's not working right now because someone shaved while sitting on it, and the hair got inside the tiny mechanisms designed to make sure the drill kills no worms, not a single one damn it'? 

Yep, we've all been there. Some of us are there three or four times a week. We're having a perfectly innocent swim in a jungle river, and then someone yells out 'I don't remember the scene in The Sandwich Crafter where the pastrami had a human wearing floaties glued to it'? And you realize 'oh fuck, I'm NOT in a river' and then we get hard on ourselves and think 'how do I keep making this mistake, how? If only there was some way of telling the difference between a river and a giant mural of scene from the movie The Sandwich Crafter, painted on the side of a giant drivable drill designed to drill to the center of the earth, that's not working right now because someone shaved while sitting on it, and the hair got inside the tiny mechanisms designed to make sure the drill kills no worms, not a single one damn it, but there doesn't seem to be a way to tell, noooooo'. 

Well 'noooooooo' no more, you're in luck. With just a little elbow grease and the use of some simple regular household items, such as a team of scientists, three brave test hamsters, one million conveniently found giant scorpion frogs, some gangrene finger DNA, a talking tile, an elbow greaser, a tile gag, and lots and lots of trial and error, I have managed to figure out once and for all how to tell if you are in fact currently in a river, or if instead you're on a giant mural of scene from the movie The Sandwich Crafter, painted on the side of a giant drivable drill designed to drill to the center of the earth, that's not working right now because someone shaved while sitting on it, and the hair got inside the tiny mechanisms designed to make sure the drill kills no worms, not a single one damn it, and here it is: 

- If it IS a river, you'll be all wet with water. 

- if it is NOT a river you'll be all wet from worms lavishing you with thankful hugs. 

So there you go. 

Just ask yourself 'am I wet?' If the answer is 'yes' you should easily be able to tell where you are swimming. And if the answer is no, then who knows where the fuck you're swimming, and frankly you may be a tad weird.