Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Sixteen - Behind The Shaker

I had suckled from the teet of self-made genius, and had been rewarded  in the form of a god-sponsored gift, and from that day on I transcended the mysterious mud pit between science and truth and grasped the weeds growing in it with my whole soul, or to put it another way - my tooth now throbbed ANYTIME danger lurked near me. Especially when the danger loomed NOW, which would make it throb BIG! 

Now all I had to do was listen for the throb, and I listen best with feelings, so I listened to that tooth with my feelings as hard as anyone had ever listened to a tooth before, spotting the throbbing with my very eyes EVERY TIME I was in danger. 

It throbbed when I stuck my head into the mouth of flame throwers controlled by robots that seemed 'too' nice. 

It throbbed whenever cops were near by and I was up to no good, like standing in front of a cop station making prank phone calls to the cops. 

It throbbed whenever I rode my scooter that I'd made cool with a lawnmower engine and full speed exposed lawnmower blade where the handlebars should have been, and powered it with six huge wet batteries I'd found behind the nuclear hospital and accidentally dropped in the polluted lake while duck mocking, which was dangerous because I HATED wearing kneepads. 

It throbbed the day I first realized the rats in the rats nest I'd been bunking in only cleaned with a recognized brand name all purpose cleaning spray every OTHER week, letting me know I'd have to do something very dangerous - have a stern chat to the king rat about his discipline.

It throbbed the day I threw Kev a surprise seance for his brothers soul letting me know that Kev, that dick, had failed to get the hint and have his brother killed briefly while being monitored by a team of medical students as a test to see if the mostly forgotten movie from the 1990s 'Flatliners' was plausible or not, leading to me having to do something extremely dangerous - temporarily kill Kev's brother myself, which would require me holding a very dangerous scalpel and risking nicking myself. 

It throbbed the time I noticed the clouds turning grey, REALLY grey, and the lightening turning flashy, REALLY flashy, and on the same day a mysterious football field length metal rod had been stuck protruding from my bedroom window and focused on my pillow, leading me to have to do something always dangerous - putting my ear to the metal to see if a train was coming. 

It throbbed the time a deadly snake had been hidden behind my sofa cushion ready to plunge it's venom into my woefully soft skin, a day that coincidentally coincided with the day the snake was pissed off because the  sofa cushion turned out to be woefully not soft enough. 

It throbbed when seven panthers were hiding in the tree in front of my house, and coincidentally on the day which coincided with the day these panthers had been shown video footage of delicious looking wildebeests that had had their faces CGI altered to look like my face!

It throbbed when I failed to get any leads or clues on who or what had been seemingly trying to get me, letting me know the danger was still out there, unless they were tired, which they probably were, as I've heard panther wrangling is hard. 

It even throbbed when the danger was only superficial and implausible, like the time where my towns one and only dentist, Kev's brother, who was a hobbiest CGI expert, and a freelancing zoologist, threatened to 'get me'! 

I mean obviously he was just joking as he had no reason to dislike me, I mean I never even went to the dentist, and I'd stopped trying to date his wife after I found out she was a large metal rod saleswoman, what a boring job. Plus I'd made it less likely anyone would steel his prized rare and expensive bird collection as I'd had all the breeds existence officially denied rendering them worthless and therefore stupid to steal.

Plus I was the one who'd started the rumor that dentists were the ones who caused the recent disease outbreak at the nuclear hospital after their backup batteries had been stolen, which caused dentist visits in my town to drop ninety percent allowing him the time for his bird hobby in the first place.

So yes it even throbbed when the danger existed in its trickiest form of non-existentence. In fact it NEVER stopped throbbing, because as the wisdom of the wise quote I coined earlier taught us all - danger is ALWAYS existent, lurking behind everything, surprisingly even angry panthers. 

It even throbbed when I invented a dastardly tooth laser gun and shot myself with it set it to throb, proving that my weapon didn't work at all, and was probably unstable and ready to blow.  

And NOW I was in this restaurant and my waiter was praising me for kicking him in the knee seven times, and he was praising me BIG. And he was offering me rewards, all the most cliche awards ever offered by anyone, including and strictly limited to: 

- Offering me any one of his six daughters' hands in marriage.
- Suggesting that if none of those daughters sufficed that he'd be willing to divorce his now menopausal wife and take up with a younger fertile lady and sire daughters with her until one DID suffice. 
- Offering to be my sherper on any future expeditions to the famous K-Mart at the top of the small hill.
- Telling me I could get a two for one dessert even if my coupon was out of date.
- Suggesting that even if one of those daughters' hands were to my liking he STILL could take up with a younger fertile lady and we could double date.
- Offering to split the bill on the double date but pay ALL the tip himself. 
- Asking if I knew any younger fertile ladies that I could set him up with.
- Recommending that I gave him the number of several options in case my first or second choices weren't into him.
- Offering to get into shape so that they were more likely to be into him. 
- Giving me a free keychain. 

A lesser man, like Kev, would have taken at least some of these awesome offers. Kev even tried to accept one of the daughters, before I even had the chance to answer he screamed 'any of those daughters willing to drive me to the hospital', that dick, she was offered to me. 

Still this all seemed great. All my problems seemed solved. All my dreams seemed to have come true. All of my tribulations seemed to have been mopped up with an old towel. I could have taken these wonderful offers and been a happy man. So it seemed.

But nothing is ever as it seems. One day I'll come up with a wise ancient Chinese saying that will prove that. But I didn't need that NOW. 

I had something else. And it was BIG.

My tooth was throbbing. 

So I TURNED down those offers.

As clearly I was in danger. 

Oh also it occurred to me that some of the offers weren't completely selfless. Like I didn't even have an out of date two for one dessert coupon, so he was going to make me pretend that I did, which was pretend time I'd already allocated to being a pool shark later that week. I find pretending to be a pool shark and making huge bets and then turning out to not be able to play pool at all really makes people happy. Plus that particular K-mart was actually DOWNHILL from my place. Yep, I was in danger. So I needed to do something BIG to avoid it, and I needed to do it NOW! 

*What it would be is to be revealed*

*Speaking of which if you are that robot can you please reveal how you appeared so nice? That seems like an awesome skill to have. 

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