Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Ikea: The Big Questions The Mainstream Media Refuse To Ask

It's been a huge week for Ikea. 

Their stores AROUND the WORLD are still a thing, PLUS in a huge twist of glee, in the story that EVERYONE has been talking about, 30 odd people this week were forced to spend a night in an Ikea in Denmark. And not, as most would assume, because they couldn't find the exit, even though they swear, they "HAVE been following the arrows", but in fact, because of a snowstorm. 

You can read all about it with the below link. Or I can sum it up for you. Here I go. There was a snowstorm. A bunch of people got trapped. It wasn't too bad because Ikea has both beds and food (possibly meatballs - although that is not confirmed nor denied in the story). The End. 

Snowstorm Trapped Customers

It's a lovely story. And probably the biggest story out of Denmark all week (or millennia). 

And when stories this big happen, you get professional journalists AROUND the WORLD asking questions. Big questions. Big questions like: 

- I wonder if they got to sleep in the beds?

- Oh I see it says here that they did. So, um, how about that weather? 

Excellent questions journalists. I enjoyed them immensely. I also enjoyed the answers: 

- Yes, it says on the press release there, they did. 

- Snowy. Did you not get the press release? 

Excellent stuff. Story over. 

Um not so fast Ikea. I am ALSO a journalist, and I have some questions too. In fact I have some big questions. Questions which the mainstream media REFUSE to ask. 

1. Every time I have been to an Ikea, I have always had the same thought - "I bet a dozen people live in this store and no one has noticed". Well where did THOSE people all go this particular night? 

2. Surely when they were picking beds at least one person said "you can't have that one, that's the one I always sleep in, I mean, that's the one I am going to sleep in for the... first time... tonight", right? 

3. It says in the story that six customers got stuck. SIX? No no no. Every Ikea on earth has at LEAST ten thousand customers at all times. What happened to the rest of them? 

4. Why don't any of the stories I have read about the incident even mention meatballs? 

5. Plus the stories don't mention the one customer who couldn't help but joke around with gems like "If this lasts I know who I am going to eat first" and "I guess we better start repopulating the earth"? It is not possible there wasn't one dude doing that. So what happened to him?

6. I'll just say it - what IS in those meatballs? Cause they are delicious. 

6. Doesn't it snow in Denmark all the fucking time? 

7. By all accounts everyone was treated delightfully by the staff, and they all had a good time. Are good natured Ikea shopping experiences how Denmark consistently finished atop of the list of the world's happiest people for a good decade? 

8. But also the last three years they have lost that spot to Finland, so what the fuck is happening in Finnish Ikeas? 

9. Plus Ikea is Swedish, how are THEY not number one?

10. How do I turn my automatic windscreen wipers back on in my Volvo? 

11. Ikea sells One Billion Meatballs a year, One Billion! And yet when I go to the local supermarket, at least in Australia, why is there is no one competing for those big meatball monies?

12. For shame big beef! Or big pork! Or big beef and pork and etc blend depending on what it actually in those things! 

13. Actually, now that I think about it, I can think of a half dozen chicken product companies in the supermarket - Ingham, Steggles,  Lilydale, the one with the rooster for a logo, the one with a lady chicken for a logo - but I can't think of a single equivalent for beef or pork products. CONSPIRACY!

14. Fuck, does that not exist? Thats a potential HUGE market just there waiting! 

15. Invented by me, right now, copywrite, trademark, no takey bakies. And 

16. How do I get my phone to automatically connect to my Volvo? 

So answer me Ikea. Don't make me come down there to investigate in person please. I can never find the exit, and yes "I HAVE been following the arrows, I swear". 

PS. Apparently people also got stuck overnight in the neighboring toy store. Which has been practically ignored by the media. Um Um Um? 

- Did it turn into the movie Big Two? 

- Was Tom Hanks there?

- What ever happened to that kid who played his friend? 

- I liked him. Or did I?  

- Wait a second, wait a second - Bigs girlfriends other love interest was the dad from Home Alone. First he loses his girlfriend to a kid, and then just LEAVES his kid behind. Um CONSPIRACY! 

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