Friday, July 7, 2023

Poem - The Nervous Type

Doug is the nervous type. 

The type who every time he hears a car near him slow down for a speed bump he first assumes they are slowing down to get him! - Or tell him off - Or tell him HE should go get someone - Or try to sell him lemons. 

And he doesn’t need any fucking lemons most of the time. 

But other times, in the sometimes worlds

 He DOES need lemons 

Which makes it all the more suspicious 

“Who TOLD you I need lemons” he’d scream, “also how much?” He’d asks.

He might NEED lemons, but he was not someone who would over pay for lemons 

“This lemon chicken is bland dad” his kid might say

“Well I’m not paying $16 for tipped off stalker car lemon, no way” he might reply. 

He’d be lying though.

He could never turn down lemons.

Even when convinced it was a ploy to kidnap him.

Which it rarely was though.

At least 80% of the time it wasn’t.

According to him.


He said if we told you that you’d know we really had him. 

We want a million bucks in unmarked cash or he dies.

And please hurry, this prick is convinced we’re just doing this to try and negotiate a higher price for a bag of lemons. 

But we’re not.

We promise.

Frankly, if you give us the million then he can fucking have the lemons. 

                        Doug (before eating lemons) 

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