Monday, March 17, 2025

I pretended to be a woman on dating apps and here’s what I learned

I’ve always thought women had it easier on there, but oh boy.

Here’s what I learned

  1. I got so many more matches than normal, just like loads of them.
  2. But guys sure can be half assed with their first messages “hey”, “what’s up”, “nice tits” - I mean come on dudes, a bit of class please - write “breasts” or “knockers” please.
  3. Some of them questioned whether my photos were real or not, which is not flattering at all.
  4. And hardly any of them believed that I even was a 20 year old Scarlett Johansson who’d traveled forward in time to try and breed with future people.
  5. Those that did believe either didn’t even want to breed with me right away or if they did they wanted to breed in their bunkers.
  6. Half the guys I did meet up to shag didn’t want to wear a condom.
  7. Some of them seemed to just want to use me for my Time Machine, and when I said “to go back and kill baby Hitler” they’d laugh and say “ha ha, close” and then they’d drape their naked bodies in this weird red, black and white flag, and chant in German and then say “by the time we surface from this bunker we’ll be kings, well not you, only men can be kings”.
  8. Some of the guys were shorter than they said they were on their profiles! That’s messed up dude.
  9. I didn’t even get pregnant, so all of those promises that “my seed is strong and pure” were lies too!

All in all it was a lovely and eye opening experience getting to see how the other half live, and I learned a lot. Plus in preparation I waxed off all my body hair and I just did a personal best speed on the local mega water slide. Hell yeah!

Nice "knockers" 


Thursday, March 13, 2025

Follicle follies - A Poem

Follicle follies 


Clive was cast in the play just because they liked his hair

But when his hair won best actor at the Golden Theatre Awards and didn’t thank Clive in his speech 

He shaved it off in revenge 

The play never recovered after that 

In fairness the play was called The Heir to the Magical Hair of the Hairness Hair Society 

But also the play was awful

So there’s that too


Proof that hair does exist 


Wednesday, March 12, 2025

Oh Cocoonada - A Poem

Thomson lead Canada to freedom 


Later on he found out they had already had it for like ages 

He now regretted that two hundred and ninety years he’d spent in a cocoon

He had also inadvertently figured out how one could live forever though 

But he didn’t have the heart left to tell anyone


A poorly designed Cocoon