I’m a fun guy

 

As part of my mission to become the most fun person alive - today I am going to be the most fun person alive! Hell yeah. 

And that’s a fact Mat, and if you don’t like it you need a better fact book, cause your fact book apparently doesn’t even have liking me having fun as a fact! What DOES it have - like stuff about hats? 

Hats go on the head? Stuff like that? 

Got a head, put a hat on it? Hats can also be on hat stands? This sort of thing? 

Hats are not mats, but in someways they are, like they are like doormats for your head, because if someone needs to wipe their feet, and the only option is your head, put on a hat first, and you’ll get less foot grot in your hair? 

Facts like that? Sounds like a pretty dang good fact book to me! Go you! You’re awesome! 

Ps. Head mats, now for sale at my Etsy story! 

Pps. Can someone please quickly set up an Etsy store for me? 

Ppps. Also, what’s an Etsy store? Some sort of store? I love stores. I buy stuff at them sometimes. This has all worked out great for everyone involved. Fun rules. 

The Billionaire — The Poem

Scotty, The billionaire

Was known for having a billion dollars*

On account of he had a billion dollars!

He quite enjoyed this

And he quite enjoyed living a life he quite enjoyed

So he decided he wanted to live forever

To stop aging he tried exercise, supplements, light therapy and even hoping!

But none of it worked, his body declined towards decrepit horror just like it did for the rest of us.

Then one day he had a brain wave that came right from his thinking part of his brain right into his recognizing he’d just thought of something part of his brain

‘Maybe I can use all this money to live forever on a computer or something ’ was that brain wave thought, and it now moved into his ‘worth a try’ brain part.

So as a final hurrah he spent his entire fortune on scientists nerds, computer nerds, computer scientists and nerd nerds, tasking them with figuring out how to upload his brain and all its parts, including any bits that may or may not be his soul, onto a computer.

And by blimey, it was money well spent, because this ragtag bunch of geniuses just went ahead and nailed it they did!

(Technically it was the nerd nerds that pulled it off, but the others ‘helped’)

And just as his heart began to give out, his lungs stopped sucking in air, and his spleen stopped spleening, his brain and the rest of the consciousness and bits, went ‘whoop’ deep into a computer.

Sixteen billion years later the sun finally burnt out and the computer holding his consciousness powered down. He whooped back out. He was a little sore from being in the same place for so long, and a tad groggy, but happy when he saw god, who was now welcoming him to the gates of heaven. Right through the front door.

(They didn’t have to open it, as he was just brain waves and shit).

God sat him down.

Shook his head

And said…

‘You missed out on 16 billion years of paradise you f’n drongo’. Seriously? You fucking idiot! Did you not even read the book I sent down?’

Scotty, took a moment to think about this, then asked.

‘Is that more wasted paradise years than anyone else ever?’

‘Yep’, replied God, ‘the only other billionaire that got even close was Elon Musk, who spent 14.2 billion years in a computer’.

Scotty, The billionaire

Now raised his hands in their air!

‘Woo hoo!’ He cried with joy!

I’m officially NUMBER ONE!

The end

*He was also known for popularizing rich guys not wearing ties to work! Thanks dude.

Another No Tie Guy