Purely Marvelous

I'm talking about myself of course - and my book about what a big fucking idiot I am.

Here is a review from a stranger on Barnes and Noble - thanks 'anonymous' - you're awesome.

'This is one funny book! Only bad thing is that it is the only one I can find by him. I keep reading parts to everyone who will let me, and some who won't. He almost makes me cry but then next thing I know I'm cracking up. P.S. Bonus points for a great idea about nostril storage'

Buy a copy please - I really need some sales, like really!!

Buy it at Barnes and Noble here

Or amazon here

You could end up a super happy fan like this awesome fan:

With beautiful, humble, personalized dedication like this one:

Don't you want this kind of awesomeness? Yeah you do - I won't as you to buy it again now, because why on worth wouldn't you? But do buy it, I would like a few more sales, like REALLY!

Ps, for the record Anonymous, my other book out is this one:

LMV52T

Yay - I'm awesome 

And now in honest advertisement

After 25 years of making frozen pizza we've learned a thing or two, mostly that it's not possible to make a frozen pizza that's any good 

So buy one of our frozen pizzas today - disappointment guaranteed 

My take on Syria: a smarty pants one

If vampires have been around for hundreds of years then how come there is no records or even stories of them hanging around World War One?

Hey, vampires, what are you too good to suck the blood of a sixteen year old Austrian boy in a muddy rat infested trench painfully dying from seeping bloody and puss oozing wounds all over his skin and inside his lungs after a mustard gas attack while a fellow soldier tries to steal his socks and a giant rat gnaws out his left eyeball?

Stay tuned next week for my take on fart noises: A hard hitting exposé pants one.

Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me (this is a blog about an opportunity to vote for me)

Oh yeah, I have minions - hey minion type awesome people - Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me, pleeeeeaaasssseeee!!!! If I win I will give everyone who voted for me $5! (subject to tracking me down where ever the hell they send me, and saying 'hey, I'm (insert name), and I voted for you I swear!!!) 


 Click these words you're reading right now to vote for me - yes these ones


(Amount I'll give you may vary based on currency of country I am in, let's make it $5 US equivalent, or like 7,840,000 Lybian Gaddafis)

 Oh also, enter yourselves, we can support each other, that's how awesome we all are:)

These are really cool

I've been thinking about doing some re-posting of cool things I find that I like to make up for the fact that I don't have time to write blogs as often and yet still want to keep people coming to my blog, and because I'm awesome - Click this link below this text to see some cool photos

Click here on these words you are reading right now to see the photos which I determined to be cool

And here are some photos that I took which are worthy, if not more than worthy than the ones linked above, that I just spent two hours looking up, because I don't have time to write much anymore these days

And now signs you may be a scientist

1. You do science
2. You like it
3. You drink orange juice out of old acid beakers
 4. Your car has a bumper sticker that says 'I'm a scientist'
5. You see a sewer rat and arrogantly proclaim 'I could grow an ear on that'
6. You've never owned a trans am
7. Your favorite character on breaking bad is the main guy, the sciency one
8. You KNOW how they get the bones out of the boneless chicken wings
9. You light your cigars with a bunsen burner
10. You've had sex wearing nothing but a white lab coat
11. People call you up and say 'I've got a science question for you'
12. You know the answers to their questions
13. You're fond of starting sentences with  'if my calculations are correct'
14. People introduce you with 'this is my friend, he's a scientist'

There you go - if it turns out you are a scientist then congratulations - if not it's ok, you could still be one one day, I recommend starting with number 12. Knowledge is power!

Ok, I'm confused and scared

 I have a t-shirt with vegetables on it desperate for people to eat more meat and save their lives, but now I have a bag of veggie chips with vegetables on it begging to be picked to be chipped! Clearly at least one set of these vegetables are being forced at gun point to say these things, but which?

Late to the joke party

So NBC were holding a special work shop for wanna be talk show writers like myself, so I of course was pumped to be a part of it, only I am a dumb idiot face who thought submitting would be easy, and waited till the last minute and missed it. So basically FUCK NBC (unless they read this and want to call me) I don't want to write for you anyway, I write for me, and MY fans, like the ones who come to this blog - I LOVE YOU GUYS - so here is a sample of what NBC missed out on today :)

Talk show workshop package

Monologue Jokes written for David Tieck

With summer coming to an end fashion experts have been trying to decide what was the look of the summer

Of course for teenage girls is once again 'trying to make my dad kill himself'

Officials say the recent developments in the war in Afghanistan have caused significant setbacks to both the Taliban and Al-queda

Meanwhile Chris Cristie’s last trip to the buffet completely eradicated an entire breed of pig

Kanye West has recently claimed that he is the 'Michael Jordan' of music

And it’s clearly true because the best parts of his albums are always the 'air' between songs!

Katy Perry is now an ambassador for shoe manufacture Adidas
It's all a part of their new advertising slogan 'it doesn't matter how ugly your shoes are if everyone is staring at your chest'
Meanwhile Kira Knightley has was recently overheard saying 'you think my shoes are cute right?'

Last week was national friend week

Where we are reminded that dogs are mans best friend, diamonds are a girl’s best friend, and a dog who swallows a diamond buys a surgical veterinarian a new car

Billionaire Richard Branson is getting set to unveil his new space ship which he claims will take tourists into space for $200,000 from 2014

It sounds like a lot until you realize that’s the projected cost for 2014 Yankee tickets

Book fans have been buzzed recently as it was discovered that best selling novel ‘The Cuckoo’s Calling’ was actually written by Harry Potter scribe J.K Rowling

Meanwhile I have released my more realistic version of  'The Ugly Duckling' where the mean bully ducklings all end up dying in drunken street drag race crashes

Surgeons in Baltimore recently removed a kidney through its donor’s vagina

Which is great news for Sharon Stone, despite all odds, her vagina may once again be useful

An 18 year old Lebanese woman has proclaimed that she would love to be a film director, but if this doesn’t work out she’d be happy to become a suicide bomber

Although a Hollywood career advisor has warned her; unless she focuses on a single clear career goal she’ll probably just end up in porn 

 

 

 Thank You Notes for Jimmy Fallon

Thank You butterflies for being way better than god’s first attempt Margarine Wasps

Thank You the word ‘Boing’ for only getting more and more awesome no matter how many extra Os you add - ‘Boooooooinng’

Thank You self-improvement for being far more achievable than my previous goal of ‘stealth’ improvement

Thank You ‘mid sized sedans’ for being a way cooler term than the original ‘giant sized misshaped small trunked family friendly mini vans’

Thank You adding ‘man’ to the end of sentences, being a way for kids to progressively mature away from ending sentences with ‘dude’

Thank You the television show ‘Nashville’ for being officially the worst spin off show ever, after capturing practically none of the spirit of the parent show ‘Smallville’

Thank You wallpaper for saving paint to huff for those last few fans of Chris Brown

Thank You sharp knives for being way better dinner companions than trampoline buddies

Thank You Super Shuttle for taking me to the airport with drivers with such bad BO that I can barely smell my fellow passengers curry breath

Thank You ‘center of attention’ for being so easy to achieve, just as long as you’re willing to permanently staple an aardvark to your face

They also missed my panicked 'fuck only one minute left' essay on why I want to write for late night - 'I really like it'. Oh man, I need more time to write again, seriously. Here's hoping. 

The review is in

Just a bit of running feedback on EMM, so far I am 70 odd pages in, throughout I have experienced a number of varying emotions, including: happiness, I have laughed so loud that an entire cafe turned and looked. immense frustration, to the point of wanting to slap you for your decision making. Sadness, I have wanted to give you a hug. Empathy, I have identified with a lot of what you have said.
Most of all I have felt inspired. While I will never truly understand what's going on in your head I feel privileged to be allowed to live vicariously through your book to see the world through your eyes. It makes me look at my own life and to see what's important.
Thank you DT. I am looking forward to reading the remaining 170 pages and feeling even more inspired.

By Andy Day


Thanks Andy! You're a legend :) (Plus you're experiencing exactly the reactions I hoped for!)

Buy the book!!!

Rolling stone and 3 questions

I don't get all the controversy over the Boston bomber being on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine, sure he's evil scum but he's still better than their 1st choice - a photo of the broken condom that resulted in his birth! I mean no one wants to see that, plus why did his mother  keep a photo of it? Why why? Why?

Weather boy to the stars

It's the Larry David news - starring David Tieck as your weather expert - anyone want to hire me? I don't mind standing in the rain, but just don't make me face the wind - I HAAAAATTTEEE WIND!!!

David Tieck.... Brilliant

New flawless insults - finally

I know what you are thinking, saying "fuck you" just doesn't work anymore, it has no pizazz, no bang for its buck, no french sounding posh-ness (Genasaquar? I don't fucking know how to spell that). We need some new insults, and not just knew ones, but FLAWLESS ones, ones that can be thrown out in just about any situation and at any person and be relevant, harsh, AND really stick em where it hurts. Yep, I am talking EMOTIONALLY!!!!

I came up with some:

-  I've owned cutlery draws more charismatic than your opinions on shell fish inspired school systems!
-  Coffee"!!!! I asked for "confederacy" not "coffee", ha ha - "confederacy"!
-  Next thing you know you'll be saying "lets go camping on the moon" - yeah, right, You tool! Wait, CAN we go to the moon?
- If you love Cinderella so much why don't you just marry a punkin and hope lots, etc and then she still probably wouldn't love you because she's at least fifty percent fictional!
-  You know how you can put a silencer on a gun? You're like one of those made for Television remotes!
- Well I still say if I had have invented science then right now I'd probably be WAY older than you!
-  You're such a vacuum that if you played the classic 1970s home edition of the Price is Right you'd probably vacuum it!
-  The "ScienceFact" is that "ScienceFiction" isn't always that awesome, am I right?
-  Alright, I am done for now, I think!
- I've never had a boner while being burnt alive that didn't make me think about you!

See how flawless all those were, AND insulting! If not I will tell you how flawless and insutlting they were - FLAWLESSLY INSULTING! Can't you just see how they hit you where hurts, are useful in ANY situation, and have a french flair, (Jenaso, um, genercokwa, um, JennaSoQuar, I don't fucking know, fucking french!)

But don't feel tapped with these as your only options, feel free to write your own, you can do it, although I bet you're as good at coming up with them as Prairie Dog fur feels at a romantic movie about RELATIONSHIPS!!! ZING!