Ok, I'm confused and scared

 I have a t-shirt with vegetables on it desperate for people to eat more meat and save their lives, but now I have a bag of veggie chips with vegetables on it begging to be picked to be chipped! Clearly at least one set of these vegetables are being forced at gun point to say these things, but which?

Late to the joke party

So NBC were holding a special work shop for wanna be talk show writers like myself, so I of course was pumped to be a part of it, only I am a dumb idiot face who thought submitting would be easy, and waited till the last minute and missed it. So basically FUCK NBC (unless they read this and want to call me) I don't want to write for you anyway, I write for me, and MY fans, like the ones who come to this blog - I LOVE YOU GUYS - so here is a sample of what NBC missed out on today :)

Talk show workshop package

Monologue Jokes written for David Tieck

With summer coming to an end fashion experts have been trying to decide what was the look of the summer

Of course for teenage girls is once again 'trying to make my dad kill himself'

Officials say the recent developments in the war in Afghanistan have caused significant setbacks to both the Taliban and Al-queda

Meanwhile Chris Cristie’s last trip to the buffet completely eradicated an entire breed of pig

Kanye West has recently claimed that he is the 'Michael Jordan' of music

And it’s clearly true because the best parts of his albums are always the 'air' between songs!

Katy Perry is now an ambassador for shoe manufacture Adidas
It's all a part of their new advertising slogan 'it doesn't matter how ugly your shoes are if everyone is staring at your chest'
Meanwhile Kira Knightley has was recently overheard saying 'you think my shoes are cute right?'

Last week was national friend week

Where we are reminded that dogs are mans best friend, diamonds are a girl’s best friend, and a dog who swallows a diamond buys a surgical veterinarian a new car

Billionaire Richard Branson is getting set to unveil his new space ship which he claims will take tourists into space for $200,000 from 2014

It sounds like a lot until you realize that’s the projected cost for 2014 Yankee tickets

Book fans have been buzzed recently as it was discovered that best selling novel ‘The Cuckoo’s Calling’ was actually written by Harry Potter scribe J.K Rowling

Meanwhile I have released my more realistic version of  'The Ugly Duckling' where the mean bully ducklings all end up dying in drunken street drag race crashes

Surgeons in Baltimore recently removed a kidney through its donor’s vagina

Which is great news for Sharon Stone, despite all odds, her vagina may once again be useful

An 18 year old Lebanese woman has proclaimed that she would love to be a film director, but if this doesn’t work out she’d be happy to become a suicide bomber

Although a Hollywood career advisor has warned her; unless she focuses on a single clear career goal she’ll probably just end up in porn 

 

 

 Thank You Notes for Jimmy Fallon

Thank You butterflies for being way better than god’s first attempt Margarine Wasps

Thank You the word ‘Boing’ for only getting more and more awesome no matter how many extra Os you add - ‘Boooooooinng’

Thank You self-improvement for being far more achievable than my previous goal of ‘stealth’ improvement

Thank You ‘mid sized sedans’ for being a way cooler term than the original ‘giant sized misshaped small trunked family friendly mini vans’

Thank You adding ‘man’ to the end of sentences, being a way for kids to progressively mature away from ending sentences with ‘dude’

Thank You the television show ‘Nashville’ for being officially the worst spin off show ever, after capturing practically none of the spirit of the parent show ‘Smallville’

Thank You wallpaper for saving paint to huff for those last few fans of Chris Brown

Thank You sharp knives for being way better dinner companions than trampoline buddies

Thank You Super Shuttle for taking me to the airport with drivers with such bad BO that I can barely smell my fellow passengers curry breath

Thank You ‘center of attention’ for being so easy to achieve, just as long as you’re willing to permanently staple an aardvark to your face

They also missed my panicked 'fuck only one minute left' essay on why I want to write for late night - 'I really like it'. Oh man, I need more time to write again, seriously. Here's hoping. 

The review is in

Just a bit of running feedback on EMM, so far I am 70 odd pages in, throughout I have experienced a number of varying emotions, including: happiness, I have laughed so loud that an entire cafe turned and looked. immense frustration, to the point of wanting to slap you for your decision making. Sadness, I have wanted to give you a hug. Empathy, I have identified with a lot of what you have said.
Most of all I have felt inspired. While I will never truly understand what's going on in your head I feel privileged to be allowed to live vicariously through your book to see the world through your eyes. It makes me look at my own life and to see what's important.
Thank you DT. I am looking forward to reading the remaining 170 pages and feeling even more inspired.

By Andy Day


Thanks Andy! You're a legend :) (Plus you're experiencing exactly the reactions I hoped for!)

Buy the book!!!

Rolling stone and 3 questions

I don't get all the controversy over the Boston bomber being on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine, sure he's evil scum but he's still better than their 1st choice - a photo of the broken condom that resulted in his birth! I mean no one wants to see that, plus why did his mother  keep a photo of it? Why why? Why?

Weather boy to the stars

It's the Larry David news - starring David Tieck as your weather expert - anyone want to hire me? I don't mind standing in the rain, but just don't make me face the wind - I HAAAAATTTEEE WIND!!!

David Tieck.... Brilliant

New flawless insults - finally

I know what you are thinking, saying "fuck you" just doesn't work anymore, it has no pizazz, no bang for its buck, no french sounding posh-ness (Genasaquar? I don't fucking know how to spell that). We need some new insults, and not just knew ones, but FLAWLESS ones, ones that can be thrown out in just about any situation and at any person and be relevant, harsh, AND really stick em where it hurts. Yep, I am talking EMOTIONALLY!!!!

I came up with some:

-  I've owned cutlery draws more charismatic than your opinions on shell fish inspired school systems!
-  Coffee"!!!! I asked for "confederacy" not "coffee", ha ha - "confederacy"!
-  Next thing you know you'll be saying "lets go camping on the moon" - yeah, right, You tool! Wait, CAN we go to the moon?
- If you love Cinderella so much why don't you just marry a punkin and hope lots, etc and then she still probably wouldn't love you because she's at least fifty percent fictional!
-  You know how you can put a silencer on a gun? You're like one of those made for Television remotes!
- Well I still say if I had have invented science then right now I'd probably be WAY older than you!
-  You're such a vacuum that if you played the classic 1970s home edition of the Price is Right you'd probably vacuum it!
-  The "ScienceFact" is that "ScienceFiction" isn't always that awesome, am I right?
-  Alright, I am done for now, I think!
- I've never had a boner while being burnt alive that didn't make me think about you!

See how flawless all those were, AND insulting! If not I will tell you how flawless and insutlting they were - FLAWLESSLY INSULTING! Can't you just see how they hit you where hurts, are useful in ANY situation, and have a french flair, (Jenaso, um, genercokwa, um, JennaSoQuar, I don't fucking know, fucking french!)

But don't feel tapped with these as your only options, feel free to write your own, you can do it, although I bet you're as good at coming up with them as Prairie Dog fur feels at a romantic movie about RELATIONSHIPS!!! ZING!

And now your average insomniatic thoughts by Dave

- I should write a joke about the phrase 'there is nothing sadder than' where the punchline is listing all the things that are really actually sad, like babies born dead, and famine, and fans of (insert pop music celebrity that you can't believe anyone could like in here) but who gives a shit about this fucking shit

- I should draw on my leg to test out if I maybe want a tattoo there 

- why is the world so god damn quiet 

- 330am, definitely not going to get enough sleep, fuck I hate having to get up early 

- you know because people say 'there's nothing sadder than' and then say things like 'an old man trying to be hip' or 'a teenager trying to be grown up' or fans of (insert pop music celebrity that you can't believe anyone could like in here) but none of those things are actually sad, so referencing a baby actually BORN dead would be hilarious right? 

- I'm so not tired, I'm epically not tired, why have I once again set my life up so I have to go to bed when I'm not tired? 

- fuck this sucks shit

- yeah getting yourself more and more frustrated will help a lot, nice one Dave, you fucking idiot

- my legs hurt, actually ache from insomnia, pathetic 

- if I lived in an age of wild animals hunting humans I would so not survive, which means my ancestors probably bred young then got eaten, fuck I hate them

- I drew a cartoon I wanted tattooed on my calf like a decade ago, but I never got it - yet I still kind of want it, that's a good test of longevity right? 

- why am I seeking approval as usual, just be your fucking self Dave, who gives a shit what other people think, seriously why care? 

- I mean some of them are probably actually fans of (insert pop music celebrity you can't believe anyone could like in here) and how could you care about the opinion of someone who likes them?

- Auuhhjggghhhh 

- I'm frustrated

- (insert hilarious wrap up type thing that pulls this all together here)

- fuck this shittin shit fuck (yep, that works... Dave, you're amazing... you genius!)

- Ha ha - dead babies!

The important thing is the ear pimple

Good thoughts

I enjoy optimism but I just wish it had a better attitude I mean it's always like 

'it's me or pessimism, make your choice, but you better pick me or ill rape you with asshole like negativity, man seriously'

I'm optimistic so I'll give optimism a lot of slack, but it's just not all about you assholes!!!

Oh man, so it turns out abortion IS evil!

According to the good people over at the institute for Freakonomics, the huge falls in crime rates in New York City and other major US cities over the past lazy decade or three, was caused not by better police tactics, improved education or successful social polies, but is in fact directly linked to the legalization of abortion.

As the theory goes, unwanted children, often those growing up in poverty and/ or unloving and broken homes are those most likely to turn to crime, and a whole slew of these unwanted babies were instead aborted - leading to your TV still being where you last left it, your gasoline only being siphoned occasionally instead of regularly and your pants being left unpeed in due to a super scary mugging. God bless abortion!

I didn’t read this whole article, but you may: freakonomics

But here is the problem – it is also usually these types of fucked up, unloved, psychologically damaged and emotionally scarred people who both make unique, boundary pushing art and/ or seek out and support these artists allowing them to be popularized and enter the mainstream, and in their absence we’ve been left with the likes art and artists made and supported by people who’s parents actually wanted them, like Beiber, Kardashians and Twilights. Fuck you abortion!

These aborted babies may have included the people responsible for the next genre changing rock band, indie film movement or kids who would have shot the Kardashians before they got on TV! Oh no, what have we done.

The point is, if you still want to enjoy art made by the physiologically damaged then read my book - The Embarrassing Memory Murderer, it’s all about all the psychological damage I have suffered through – available in various places online including here:

Amazon -The-Embarrassing-Memory-Murderer

Barnes and Noble - The Embarrassing Memory Murderer

Discussion points

1.     Having read this are you still pro-choice?

2.     Is using such a hot button debate point to ultimately try and sell my book awesome or what?

3.     Should I have been aborted?

4.     'Silence is golden... I swear!!!! You must believe me, please!'

5.     Was this screamed by

a.     A deranged gold miner, frustrated by all the screaming he can’t stop doing?

b.     The Goose that laid the golden egg trying not to be snatched? Or

c.      A gold necklace being tortured over where she's hiding her kids, knowing that if they are found they will be melted into bricks?

6.     The answer is C. and those kids were found and melted, and she was forced to watch.

7.     Oh my god, who thought an abortion blog could end so sad?

8.     At least you probably didn’t pee your pants today.

Tree facts

The phrase 'money doesn't grow on trees' will have a whole different meaning if all the trees die - because we'll all be busy fighting off relentless bird attacks.... The phrase 'a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush' on the other hand... I mean seriously, shut the fuck up, we're all about to suffocate to death

A lazy bit of comedy history for you

Commedia dell ‘Arte, or Comedy of the artist, was a form of improvised theatre from Italy popular in the Middle Ages, and surprisingly to me, as someone who has studied comedy and improvisation extensively over the past few years, not well known by people today.

As a part of carnival festivities, Commedia Dell ‘Arte was an escape from the drudgery of the type of lives the poor and underclasses eeked out, and a break from the oppression of the ruling class. It was an opportunity for people to make fun of both themselves and the rich and the royal, to blow off steam, and not take life too seriously.

Actors who performed in Commedia Dell ‘Arte would choose one of a series of stock characters, with very specific masks and costumes, routines and mannerisms, that were well known to the people of the day, as was the game, or unusual funny thing about them, which could be repeated over and over. Some of the characteristics included the quick-bodied dumb man, the dirty old man, the bad tempered hunch back, the dandy, and the vocal know it all who actually knows nothing, and are character traits which have survived all the way to today, and still form the basis behind much of the comedy produced in modern times, and everything in-between including harlequins, clowns, and vaudeville.

These characters were much like modern sitcoms characters, where people who tune in know certain behavioral attributes each character will have, which new story lines are filtered through each week, such as Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory will always respond to people in a social retarded yet ridiculously intelligent way, or Joey from friends who is always eating and saying dumb things. And I believe the sitcom Arrested Development was specifically created and designed to include one of each of the archetypal comedic characters that are popular today and seem to have developed from these original archetypes from the middle ages.

Much like the modern sitcom Commedia Dell ‘Arte would follow familiar patterns often through stock plots, and lazzies, or rehearsed comedic routines, only with improvised dialogue to allow them to remain fresh, and unique to each individual performance.

Performers would play one character often for their entire lives, so it was seemingly a craft that could always be improved upon yet never mastered. The performers were not well respected in their time, but whoever created these stock characters surely most be among the most important artists in comedy history.