Friday, November 6, 2009

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 23


“Nobody gets everything right”

Hannah spent the next few weeks in a desperate attempt to cheer me up. She kept telling me that I shouldn’t be so upset about Lisa, that I should be happy that I had done so well in chatting her up that night. Apparently a girl losing her virginity isn’t something she does just because some guy, any guy, is willing to relive her of it. Not like me, I gave mine to a fat old hairy person who barely resembled a female. Apparently the fact that Lisa had waited till she was twenty already and then decided that night, and JayJay Domey, was going to be her first time, was a sign that I was actually completely desirable. I mean for the rest of her life when she thought back to when she first did the deed, it would have been me that she thought of.

I’m not sure if that made me feel better or worse. I mean the thought of being remembered forever by anyone sounded pretty good to me. So the thought of missing that was awful. Of course the thought that she was willing to have that be me was quite good. Although this also reminded me that forever more, when someone asked me to tell the story of my cherry being squashed, I would either have to lie, or would have to put up with five minutes of laughing and pointing in my direction. Also of course the fact that at this point that was still my only sexual experience didn’t really make me feel good. Not that I am lying around just dying for sex, well I am, but not enough to go and have sex with prostitutes or anything, but just to have your only memory of sex include the memory of an eight inch hair growing out of a mole, is not the best library of memories to keep.

It didn’t really matter though, because the reality was I wasn’t really pissed off about Lisa. I mean having a famous (I’d since done some research, and apparently 'Lost in Life' are fucking HUGE, so my lack of recognition for them became a huge embarrassment in hindsight. Does anyone else get really embarrassed in hindsight? I mean the moments passed – so what if I made a fool of myself two weeks ago, I didn’t know that I was then, I didn’t feel it then, it wouldn’t even be the humiliating event of the night that they would remember. I did though, I always allow stupid emotions to cripple me, hindsight humiliation, HH, can you go to a psychologist and complain you suffer from HH?) band like L-I-L all laughing hysterically at you because you had misunderstood another countries slang and missed an opportunity to de-virginise a pretty young Canadian girl, who had already let you fondle her ample bosoms while an orgy was taking place between three band members and a bunch of groupies, is not the best way to end an evening. But I did feel good that I had gotten so far with Lisa, I also felt good that it wasn’t because she was drunk or desperate, we just liked each other in the moment. I’d never been liked in the moment before, at least not while I knew in that moment, and I had certainly never seen a girl, liked her and taken a chance and had some success before. That was all great.

What I really felt bad about though was Ellie. I mean I loved Ellie, maybe not in that way an eighty year old man loves his seventy nine year old wife who he met down by the lake way back when he was thirteen and she was twelve. But I did love her, in my way. And I had lost her, after just a fleeting moment of thinking she could be mine. And why? Not because she didn’t like me back, not because I had done something wrong, but because she thought seeing me would make her want to have sex with me and that wouldn’t be right while she had a boyfriend she didn’t want to be her boyfriend. That’s enough to make anyone upset, especially someone like myself.

I didn’t tell Hannah this though. She would have made me fight for Ellie, I know Hannah well enough by now. She would be getting me to make some grand gesture or at least tell Ellie how I felt, and the reality is I just didn’t have the guts. I wanted to call her, but I was so nervous about that roommate boyfriend of hers answering that the furthest I ever got was dialing her number a couple of times and hanging up before it even started ringing.

I did send her some txt messages, one time I even got a reply, it said “JayJay, please stop txting me, I just can’t see you, I know you understand”.

I wrote a text back saying “Understand, fuck no I don’t understand, it makes no fucking sense to me” but then sent to Hannah. Hannah called and said what’s wrong, and I lied and said that I was still upset about the Canadian party. This was not the right thing to say.

About fifteen minutes later Hannah was knocking on my door. She was dressed in one of her “everyone look at me, and just wish you could fuck me” outfits, with more skin showing than clothes.

“We’re going clubbing” She said

“Hhhhmmmn…..well…….I don’t really want to” I replied

“I know you don’t JayJay” She said in a breathy tone which suggested that she had heard all this crap before and knew it was coming again, but still didn’t really want to go through our usual pattern, which of course I made her go through.

“You can’t stay in this apartment all night…..You owe me…..Stop feeling sorry for yourself….it will be fun, I promise….if you don’t like it we can come home early, but you have to come for a little while….lets go inside and get you all dressed up….have I told you how cute your looking lately…..if a virgin like Lisa liked you, think how much all those sluts in a nightclub will want you…..what if I promise you’ll get laid tonight, promise, absolutely, I’d even do it myself with you if we cant find someone else who will….no not pity sex, sex with you would be great for anyone…..I reckon I would know ten girls I could get around to sleep with you tonight… I wont get them around… about this if we go out tonight and you don’t pick up a cute chick, and take her home tonight, then I’ll introduce you to all my friends that would sleep with you….or how about if you come out and even of you do get some I’ll still introduce you….you know I’m right about this don’t you….have I ever steered you wrong before…..I mean the Canadian thing was partly my fault, but look how good you did…..come on JayJay…I’ll be your best friend forever…..I’ll let you touch my tits….seriously…..look” She said before raising her top to reveal herself to me.

“O….k I’ll come” I said as I reached out to grab them only to have Hannah pull her top down before I got there, then give me a hug, and say “Not till the end of the night, and only if you don’t get any others”

Hannah must somehow have sensed reluctance on my part to come with her, because she came straight in, had a go at me for leaving all of my clothes on the floor, and then found the ones she thought looked best, or maybe were just cleanest, and practically dressed me herself. She then dragged me out of the apartment by my arm and down to the train station.

The club she chose for our evening of fun was called ‘The Secret Box’, which I thought was a little inaccurate, seeing as there were about fifty people waiting to get in “not a huge secret” I thought. For once Hannah didn’t know anyone, so we had to wait in line like everyone else. This turned out not to be too bad, as the line did include two scantly dressed cuties. I mentioned to Hannah that I thought by their dress that they were obviously up for sex tonight. They were both dressed the same, but in different colors, with tight barely more than a bra tops, small barely more than underpants shorts, and knee high fury boots, which looked like polar bear feet. Hannah said that this attire didn’t necessarily mean they were looking for male attention. Apparently some girls just get dressed up all scantly just for a girl’s night of dancing, and don’t actually want to meet any boys. Seems a bit fucking stupid to me, if you don’t want to attract guys, why wear clothes that will attract them, I will never understand the other sex.

Despite the fact that most of the guys were wearing clothes quite similar to mine, I felt completely out of place as I entered the club. I felt like a black man at a Klu Klux Klan meeting, and I was sure everyone was starring at me. Hannah saw it differently, as we sat down at a table she said “Did you see all those girls check you out on the way in, well you do look hot, even if I did pick that outfit out myself”. I didn’t feel hot, well I did, I mean it was stinking hot down there, there were no windows and the place was packed with people dancing and heating up the place, but I didn’t feel that kind of hot.

Hannah said she would get drinks and asked what I wanted, and I said I’d have whatever she got, and I was told that that wasn’t allowed, because she would be having a “girl drink”, and if I got one, the girls wouldn’t like me, and I should get a beer. Have I mentioned how silly I think girls can be sometimes yet?

So we sat back and I had a beer and Hannah had something which glowed florescent yellow, and she said I needed to have a game plan.

“What kind of game plan” I replied

“You know….what’s your tactics going to be…to pick up?”

“I don’t know…I don’t have tactics”

“What have you done in the past?”

“Hannah, I think you know me better than that by now….in the past I have just not come to places like this”

“You mean you have never been to a nightclub, ever!”

“Never ever” I honestly replied

“Oh my god”

“Just not my kind of thing really”

“What” She could hardly hear me, I could hardly hear her, the music was very loud


“Oh…..well I’m going to make it your thing”

“How do you plan to do that?”

“By making sure you have a good time”

“How do you plan on doing that?”

“I’m going to get you pissed off your face….I’m going to get you shaking your ass on the dance floor…and I’m going to get you fucking a moisty before the sun is up”

“What was that last bit….I can’t hear” I heard everything up till the dancing bit


Why do the quiet bits of the songs always come on just as someone is yelling something like that at you? This particular line was heard by at least thirty people around us and I was more than happy to have all those people starring at me, and just delighted when one girl said “It won’t be me” in my direction.

Hannah did get one bit right, she was going to get me particularly pissed. She was buying me beers like they were some antidote to a severe disease I had contracted and I would die if I didn’t consume at least my own body weight in beer before ..two am...

Subsequently much of the rest of the night is a bit hazy. I have a great recollection of sitting with Hannah with her telling me to “drink up”. I have some memory of me being dragged out onto the dance floor and doing the ‘drunk mans stumble’ with Hannah for a while. I have an ok memory of Hannah telling me numerous times that apparently some girl had “Checked me out” and I should go over and talk to her. I have some memory of telling Hannah over and over “I just can’t…I’m sorry”. I also have some memory of sitting on a stool feeling kind of ordinary while Hannah went and talked to just about every girl in the entire place. I didn’t really like the thought of her trying to talk girls into having sex with me. I did like the thought of her being successful at it. I didn’t like the fact that none of them actually came over.

I have no memory of the time Hannah swears I went up to a girl and said “My friend says I am going to get laid tonight, so do you want to come home with me?” Seems like something that firstly I wouldn’t have done, and secondly if I did I would remember, or at least I would still be able to see the mark left on my face from where she inevitably would of slapped me. I also have no memory of when Hannah apparently made good on her promise to let me feel her breasts if I didn’t get to feel any others, also sounds like something I would remember.

I do have a memory of waking up next to Hannah, who was wearing one of my t-shirts, and had her arm around me, and thinking “This isn’t bad”, then urgently launching myself off the top bunk, slamming down on the floor right on the side of my foot, then vomiting on the carpet next to me as I screamed in pain at my now rapidly swelling badly sprained ankle.

I also have memory of the next two weeks when I couldn’t walk and had to get around on crutches, and was in severe pain for long periods. Although I also have memory of the two cute girls who came up to me that week to see if I needed any help. I didn’t, but I wish I had of. Maybe I should have just lied and said “Some help would be great”. Why do I always think of these brilliant ideas way, way, way after the event?

Unfortunately despite all that had resulted from Hannah’s attempts to cheer me up, I was still feeling rather down. For once it just seemed that Hannah was not going to be the person who would turn my frown up side down. It was about to happen though. And it happened from one of the least likely sources imaginable.

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