Sunday, December 6, 2009

Our worst fears have come true, but stay calm

After months of meetings the negotiations have broken down and it's official, on the tenth of December the ants will officially be going on strike and will refuse to pick up our crumbs until humans agree to make all efforts needed to stop stepping on ants.

No no, none of that, stay calm. Please stay calm.

Does anyone have any questions?

Yes Mrs Hillsburg, I am afraid that this does mean in the meantime you will have to pick up your own crumbs.

Please people, calm down, I know you're upset, but we will overcome this. We cannot give into acts of terrorism, and yes, they brought up the unnecessary murder of millions of ants, not us, so we do consider this an act of terrorism.

Thankyou Doug, and yes we do have people working on strike busting protest songs. Unfortunately the ants have struck first and their song 'Ants marching, ants wont give in' has been released and is number one on the Ant Hot 100, but we have the perfect counter punch - no make that, a three punch combination 'the ants are marching but we are stomping', 'my doc martin in your ant ass' and 'ants, ants, ha ha ants are small' are being recorded as we speak.

Yes Stephanie, we have a HUGE star recording them, I'm told she finished SEVENTH on American Idol season five.

John Monkier PUT DOWN THAT MAGNIFYING GLASS THIS INSTANT. Come on people slowly burning them alive will NOT solve anything.

No, John, pulling all their legs off will not help either. Ants with no legs WILL NEVER pick up crumbs.

Yes Martin, I am aware that Ozzy Ozzborne once famously snorted a line of ants, while we cannot condone this, if people take up this practice then lets just say it can't hurt our liklihood of breaking the strike.

Yes John, it is VERY different from burning them with a magnifying glass, because when you snort them YOU are taking pain too, simply burning them is just cruel, snorting them will make the ants sit up and realise we are crazy and will do ANYTHING to win this battle.

Fine, ok if you catch your nine year old burning ants we will not consider it a break of strike breaking protocol, but if I find out you put her up to it, you better be damn sure I will REPREMAND your ass.

COME ON PEOPLE. Are we going to let the ants beat us? I say HELL NO. This is going to be hard, its going to be long and arduous, and the crumbs may pile up, but WILL we beat these ant scum? HELL YES. And will EVER give into their demands? HOPEFULLY NOT. You know cause it would be really annoying to have to ALWAYS be careful not to step on ants.


Now who is ready for the fight of their fucking lives?


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