Hi everyone, my name is Dave and I’m from Australia I love Australia, but I also love America, and I’d like to be a US citizen one day, but they wont let me yet, I don’t know why, all I want to do is contribute to your economy and use my accent to fuck all your women, I don’t know what the problem is.
I truly do love this place, but I didn't always understand everything here. On one of my early visits I went into a bar one night, and there were these guys playing something called beer pong, and I am watching them play, one guy throws three ping pong balls in the other guys cups who proceeds to drink three beers, but then I witness something truly insane. The guy who DIDN'T drink the beer started celebrating and calling the guy who DID drink the beer a loser.
And so I go up to them and say wait a minute wait a minute, hang on the loser drinks beer and the winner doesn’t, are you trying to tell me, that here in America there is NO BEER FOR WINNERS! DRINKING BEER IS A PUNISHMENT FOR LOSERS, BECAUSE I WANT TO WIN AND GET BEER!!!!
And now I am freaking out I’m thinking what is happening here? Is America some kind of nexus of the universe? Is everything backwards here? .... Is the US the land of the reversed? Ok ok, so drinking is a punishment for losing, what else? Am I going to find out that in America the ugly sci-fi nerds get the hottest girls, oh my god I like sports and consider myself average to possibly above average looking, does that mean I won't get girls here? Do the stupidest people get the money here, because I have a University degree and I need to make a living?
And so now I can't breath, I am hyperventilating and just freaking the hell out.
And I guess one of these guys sees me falling apart, and god bless him he comes up to me and says 'calm down, everyone is allowed to drink here, don’t worry', and then he offers to go get me a beer, and I am breathing again, and feeling better, but then he comes back and hands me one of the beers from the table, and I down it in one gulp and I nearly vomit right there. 'What is this' I spew at him pointing at my plastic cup? 'Coors light' he replies.
So now I know for sure whats happening, I am not in America, I am dead, no one who likes beer could possible drink Coors light, I have clearly died and I have gone to hell, and I start screaming ahhhh ahhh ahhhhh.
But then it hit me. Coors light, THAT was what the loser was drinking. Thats not just losing, thats being punished in a cruel and inhumane way, it suddenly made sense. So I went to the bar and bought a German beer and felt like I understood America a little better.
Basically what I am getting at is I don't know if I find Hayden Panettiere attractive anymore.
Oh check me out doing a version of this monologue live right here