Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Consider the meaning of life – ANSWERED

Find something or someone you love with all your heart and pursue it or them with every fiber of your being.

It doesn’t matter what it is, a hobby, a sport, a girl, a boy (pedophiles have dreams too, boom-tish), and man, a woman, a creative outlet, a desire to find one god damn transsexual willing to sleep with you without then asking for money to put towards her eventual vagina, a game, finally figuring out how solve a rubics cube (you throw it at the head of the tool who bought it, then force them to put it in the trash – solved), figuring out how to un-hook a girls bra (and I don’t mean physically, that’s easy, I mean metaphorically, as in getting into her soul sexually in a way which will have her start inviting other girls into bed with you).

Keep it up till you reach the inevitable point when you discover no matter how hard you try you’ll never manage to have it quite the way you want and need and fantasise about it.

Once you have reached this point it is important to get bitter, and it is key now to form some hate.

It doesn’t matter what you hate, the government, the banks, people who out of all instruments choose to learn the tuba, an ex (in this instance stalking is a must), religion, the colour yellow (especially mustardy yellow), guys who look at their abs in the mirror in public (stabbing is recommended here), hate itself (although this one will send you on a spiral of loathing which will ultimately kill you, so it’s not recommended as a ‘perfect’ meaning of your life, full of adventure? Sure, but perfect no), girls who think having a leathery tan is attractive, people who finish sentences with ‘ya know what I’m sayin’ (stabbing is again recommended, if they are too good a friend to stab then buy them a mustard coloured shirt and guilt trip them into wearing it regularly).

Of course bitterness and hate would be meaningless if they didn’t manifest themselves in some hard core horribly annoying habits. Some that others going through this phase have chosen include – correcting other people’s grammar and spelling, starting dictatorships in third world countries, believing that Julia Roberts is an extremely beautiful and talented actress, faith that its still sensible to wear high heels even while they are making the back of your ankles bleed (although I love to run my hand down a girls sexy shapely leg, sensually slide her heel off her foot, then have a nice chew on that band-aid that’s always back there, before tonguing out the scab like a chocolate chip in ice-cream, mmm sexy), a desire to wake up really early, or a bizarre old lady panty stealing habit.

These are obviously just the most cliché and overused ones. I recommend a more twisted and strange one, like refusing to look at any more bestiality porn, or building a hell yeah good collection of other people’s toe nail clippings (best place to find them is on the bathroom floor behind the toilet).

This is a very important stage, so don’t you even dream of fucking skipping it. This is the meaning of life god damn it, of course some bad bits are required (remember you are using the same body that has you utilising the same parts of your body for sex and urinating, it’s about balance).

After the bitter stage (if your not in jail for stabbing a guy with great abs, or in a secret war with the CIA over the blind eye you turn to drug trafficking in the country you are a dictator of) it’s time now to form a new love or passion, and once again pursue it with every fibre of your being.

Or just start seeing prostitutes regularly.

Both work fine.

Along the way there are two questions you will inevitable ask yourself yet be baffled

by –

1. If I go out wearing no pants and an old man looks at my bits, am I the pervert or is he?
2. Is it really good luck to have a pigeon shit on your head?

The answer to these questions are as follows –

1. Neither, the pervert is a society which has twisted our minds to think that the human body is something to be ashamed of. The only way you can get around this is to walk down the street proudly showing your penis or vagina (depending on which one you have, I recommend having a vagina, its way easier to talk others into playing with those)
2. No, it is however very good luck to have a human randomly shit on your head. Think of the skill it would take, to leap above you in a ninja gymnastic hurdle, while pulling down their pants and projectile shitting with the accuracy to hit you in the head (if they just drop it from a tree it doesn’t count).

Little know facts about the meaning of life –

- Along the way you are going to want to castrate numerous selfish drivers, and your inner monologue will tell you that ultimately this is wrong, ironically in this rare situation it is your inner monologue which is wrong, and castrating them, stabbing them in the face, decapitating them, pouring gasoline on their backs and lighting them on fire, or any combination of these are all fine and well respected.

- Getting a boob job for merely cosmetic reasons is always a bad idea

- If you have either a boob job or if you have not got a boob job, it is your responsibility to try and convince a man named David Tieck that your choice is right, David recommends letting him see and touch them as often as possible so he can form the best possible well informed conclusion

- Clearly sex is very important to the meaning of life, without it the condom industry would collapse, costing dozens of people their jobs, seriously, you want that on your head? That people lost their jobs because you wouldn’t fuck enough? How dare you.

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