What it’s made for




I bought a Coke Zero today. Yeah that’s right. I bought a Coke Zero; they’re like Coke, but with zero sugar, and like Diet Coke but yet different. So I bought one. It’s by no means the first time for me, and far from the last. I'm not proud of it, nope, I have no interest in feeling pride because of it, there's nothing to boast about here, and nor is there anything to applaud myself for.

And before you ask, yes, I do applaud myself for things, regularly to be honest, for all manner of reasons. Like say I've been to the movies and enjoyed the movie I chose, well Hell Yeah I'll applaud myself, why? Well for my excellent ability to work my way through the various methods of deciphering whether a movie will be something I would enjoy, by reading reviews, judging reviewers, watching previews, questioning whether the preview editor is good at his or her job, asking friends who have seen the movie what they think, going through my records of previous opinions they have given me of movies they have seen, balanced against my spreadsheets of how I ended up enjoying the movie in contrast and comparison to their opinions, looking at the Venn Diagrams I've made rating each friend and each film genre and where we typically overlap and disagree, looking at casting, judging casting, going to cinemas and watching people coming out of theaters, then drawing detailed sketches of facial expressions, before conducting extensive psychological studies into how a wide range of people from all walks of life, race, creed, sexuality, corners of the globe, age and height interpret the moods of the faces I've drawn, and then asking for detailed stories of their personal experiences with movies, checking that information against my spreadsheets, checking the length of the film, and judging the length. So yeah sure, if I've put the right amount of work in and then estimated that I’m likely to give a movie say a seven out of ten, and then I see that movie and at the conclusion of the movie I find myself thinking 'I'd probably give that like a like a six, nah, make it a seven' - then Hell Yeah I'll applaud myself. That’s applause I deserve.

Or like if I go pee and get most of it in the bowl I'll applaud myself.

You have to recognize your hard earned amazing achievements people, or how else will you be motivated to reproduce them?

But no I wasn't applauding this achievement, the purchase of the Coke Zero that is. Not this time. Then again nor was I feeling shame. I have no interest in discrediting myself because of it; I'm doubt free, feeling no trepidation and have absolutely no interest in beating myself up over it.

And before you ask, yes, I do beat myself up over things, regularly, for all sorts of reasons. Like say I've been to the train station, and even though I made it to the station I ended up missing my train, then Hell Yeah I’ll beat myself up, why? Well because like because I probably missed that train even though I'd taken every measure not to miss it, like reading the schedule, and memorizing the arrival time, and like setting my watch only after looking up the official, official time as released by the Greenwich mean time officiating committee, and done some detailed investigation into whether the authority is well respected, trusted and admired, and called them up and asked how moral is at the office, whether anyone had been acting unusual or suspicious, if anyone had been dating someone in the office and broken up with them recently, were any employees 'celebrating' unhappy birthday milestones, or any other type of situation that could motivate someone in the office to ease their discomfort by messing with the official, official time as released to Sweden, to relay to the Swiss, and pass on via passenger pigeon to the Internet so we all know it, and by going to the station for a few days in a row before my train trip and keeping an eye on arrivals and departures and checking them against the schedule so as to have a truthful representation of current standards into keeping with the schedule, and like asked a few thousand passengers, give or take, whether the trains feel smooth, and do the tracks seem strong and are there any kids mulling around looking like they may be planning some sort of dastardly rambunctiousness like pulling the emergency break even though, at the present, at least as far as they know, there is no emergency, which is not the correct time to pull the emergency lever. If I still ended up missing my train, because say I forgot how long the walk to the station was, Hell Yeah I'll give myself a beating. That’s a beating that’s justified.

Or like if I see a creature on the ground and say 'hey look a grasshopper' and someone else says 'actually I think that's a locust'. Then yeah, sure, I'll beat myself up hard.

You have to punish yourself for your epic failures that negatively impact your existence people, or else how are you going to learn to avoid them?

So no I wasn't beating myself up over this purchase, of the Coke Zero that is. I was feeling neither pride nor shame, neither pleasure nor pain, neither satisfaction nor um, grain, no, fame, no, blame!! (Nailed it) - you know why? Because that’s not what Coke Zeros are for, I don’t believe. I mean I haven’t done much research into it yet. Well, I have taken surveillance footage of people leaving convenience stores, super markets, general stores, and at entertainment events like sports, amusement parks and country fairs, and I have compiled some detailed spread sheets, pie charts, and quantum physics, but I still haven’t made a single diagram of what seems like would be a common use of a Coke Zero, which I would then be able to use when interviewing people about what they plan on doing with their Coke Zeros upon purchasing them, while then questioning them on their use as compared the diagrams I had prepared, and then making spreadsheets of the results, so that I could compare them, but still, based on the information I have gathered up till now, no, I don’t believe Coke Zeros are manufactured with a hope of inspiring there would be purchasers to either applaud themselves, nor beat themselves up over.

I believe, in fact, that they are intended to be poured inside a hole in the consumers face. I’m guessing either the mouth or popping out the left eyeball and going in there. And you know what, in making my final decision with today’s purchased Coke Zero, I might avoid normal information gathering, and just wing it.


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