Monday, November 3, 2014

Fun medical facts

It’s recently been discovered by the medical community that when you have a song stuck in your head, and it’s an awesome song, and yet for some reason the song you have stuck in your head is not the awesome original but instead the shitty cover version, this is merely your brains way of saying 'that’s what you get for the time you filled me up with images of 'horses having sex because you thought it would be funny to ambush your friend with it, even though it meant you had to watch it yourself too!’

The lesson, obviously, is that living with skinny ankles is tough. As a skinnied ankler I've suffered all manner of horror, including, but not limited to, several minor ankle injuries, several times having someone say 'I never noticed how skinny your ankles were before' and several times realizing that the term 'cankles' while cruel and undesirable, will probably never be applied to me. That's SEVERAL severals damn it - and I'm not even a hundred percent sure on what that ultimately means mathematically, and I HATE math.

But the horror does not end there, although I wish it did, but get this, I don't think about my skinny ankles all the time, yes it's true, there are at least several hours a day when things other than my ankles are on my mind, that means there are people out there right now who potentially have skinny ankles who are not currently thinking about it, and if they're not thinking about it then as far as they are concerned they may be blissfully ignorant of horrible skinny ankle responsible horror coming their way - like not knowing why no one is naming them cankles.

But fear not, for I have already pissed around setting this silly thing up for far too fucking long, or maybe it just feels that way because I'm in a pub alone and not drinking and about to watch this stupid fucking famous horse race that I have no interest in, just so, I don't know, I don't not watch for the sake of not watching so I can be all lamely rebellious by avoiding the thing that everyone else is doing, so I'm watching even though I don't care and don't want to watch to be rebellious? I think I may officially be a tool. The point is, if a horse breaks it's leg they shoot it - having skinny ankles is tough.

And now signs you may have skinny ankles:

- People sometimes ask if they can borrow your leg to pick meat out from between their teeth.
- Sometimes you wake up and find your ankles being chewed on by beavers. Or even worse, while you were sleeping, the beavers have taken one of your legs away and you have to go rescue it from a beaver dam which can be especially frustrating if you’re in a rush to get to a meeting, and you live in a country with no beavers, so you have to fly to like Canada, grab your legs, and then jump in rush hour traffic, and then have to explain why you’re a few minutes late to your meeting, and instead of feeling sorry for you everyone is just impressed with the beavers ability to get your leg off without waking you, and their ability to travel super long distances without access to any modern aircraft technology.
- You once broke your ankle in the bathroom from stepping off the bath mat onto the tiles.
- You want to become a pirate just because your legs seem harder to balance on than peg legs.
- Little kids in Africa send you money to feed your ankles.
- Pin the tail on the donkey is based on a time you tried to kick a donkey in the butt and got your foot stuck.
- The reason that there are wonky bar stools all over the world is because you’ve been cutting off little bits of chair leg to stick to your ankle in hope of not falling over so much.
- When you’re about to perform in a play and someone says ‘break a leg’ to you someone then always immediately pulls them aside and whispers frantically to them ‘don’t say that to him, have you seen his ankles!’
- Sometimes when you’re walking down the street and run into a flamingo you look into its eyes, and it into yours, and you both burst into tears, immediately understanding each others pain, and you share a deep and comforting hug, but then you accidently say out loud what you only meant to think in your head, the line ‘at least I’m not pink’ and then the flamingo bites back ‘shut up you fag’ and then you say ‘woah, woah, woah I know I am in the wrong here, but that’s not a good word anymore dude’ and then it’s like ‘I am all pink, I think I am allowed to say it’ and then you get into a big long argument/ debate on politically correctness and where the boundaries and lines currently are versus where they should be.
- Your ankles look skinny.

So there you go, you should now know definitively whether or not you have skinny ankles. I wish you luck. Meanwhile this silly horse race is over now and we did not see a horse fall down break its ankle and get shot in the head, and this kinda disappointed me, that would have been way more interesting than just a normal silly horse race. So, yeah, I’m someone who kinda wanted to see an animal hurt, who’s the tool now?

Update: it turns out one of the horses had a heart attack and died. Oh man, I was just being silly saying I wished one had been shot, just to mock a fucking stupid sport. I do not and never have desired pain or suffering on an animal, if they shot the trainers or the bookies on the other hand ....

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