Thursday, December 18, 2014
The Best Day Of My Life Tauntation – I want to see the directors cut
Hi everyone, hi boys, hi girls, hi moms, hi dads, hi school, hi on drugs, hi in the sky and even hi people.
By the way ‘in the sky’ is my friend from Cambridge Massachusetts, who is so high up in the FBI that he has the plum job of working undercover as a mole person, so shame on you if you thought I would say hi to anyone or anything that has even the slightest thing to do with drugs.
This is not a blog where I would ever mention such things. Not that I am against them, nor for them. Whether you are talking traditional prescription, popular recreational, or whatever the hell it is they give you at the dentist which makes it so that when people are writing movies about the dentist the hygienist is always portrayed as a sexy young woman, when in real life she is a guy who’s rubber gloves and meaty fingers make you self-conscious about how much blood you’re spitting up, because you know, meaty fingers, rubber gloves, um we all know what that means don’t we? Yep, he probably doesn’t moonlight as a masseuse because they don’t wear gloves, and both those jobs are predominantly daytime activities, so ‘moon’lighting doesn’t make a lick of sense.
This is a blog about how today was the best day of my life, something which I may or may not have achieved drug free. I mean I do have sore gums, but who knows if that was from a forgotten trip to the dentist or some form of gum disease? How could you possibly know?
Wait, I know. I will write a movie about a dentist and see what the hygienist looks like.
Int. Day – A dentist’s office. The sun is bathing the window with warmth, but barely affecting the room, as the dentist had recently installed mirrored windows and the sun was predominantly reflecting off this glass and being redirected into a small room in an adjacent building, where a small old lady had has been accidently sun ray cooked to death, and given to a weird scientific anomaly, her terrible mush diet, gangrened poorly healed hip replacement surgery wounds due to attempting to do it herself as she didn’t want to bother her husband by asking him a question, and the fact that a flock of cockatoos have found a way into her apartment and decided she makes an excellent storage place for half alive half eaten worms, has rendered her smelling unexplainably and uncannily like mushy gangrene worm stew. There is a patient in the dentist’s chair and the dentist stands over him holding a fucking violent looking poking device.
What the fuck is it?
Oh nothing. Well you clearly have such disgusting halitosis that I will be forced to quit dentistry at the end of the day and take up residence in a Buddhist temple mumbling to myself for the rest of my days, you fucking disgusting cunt. But it looks like you’ve flossed once since I last saw you. You’re my first patient ever to do that, so yeah, thanks.
The dental hygienist enters. She is curvy, like real fucking gorgeous body, in a tight little nurse’s outfit that really shows off her shape. Although her head is the physical embodiment of this disgusting prick’s breath. She is the type of woman that if you were trying to figure out whether or not you’d recently had whatever it is that the dentist gives you so that if you ever write a movie and have a dental hygienist as a character, that you’d be shit out of luck. It really would depend on where the camera focused on her. I am sure you could shoot her any number of ways to make her look insanely beautiful. But you could also shoot her to make her look ugly, repugnant even. Obviously this is just the script, so it will depend on how the director chooses to capture her.
Oh fuck me. Being a film writer sucks. That script really tells me nothing about my day. Damn it, I am going to have to use my memory. Right, so I remember that it was so awesome that I wanted to taunt the day over it. So much so that I coined the word ‘tauntation’ which means the situation of taunting. So I guess I’ll just stick with that.
You were awesome
So bloody good
Best ever even
Oh fuck me. That’s not taunting, that’s praise. Oh well it is what it is. Anyway, I am off to brush me teeth, I am suddenly worried about them for some inexplicable reason.