Another year is almost over. This time it’s 2014 coming to an end, finishing almost an entire year after 2013, which would be an awful result in most sporting events. Although I think Lance Armstrong won by more than a year in the ‘tour de biggest cunt of a cheat in the world’ event a couple of years back. Also who could forget the Winnipeg 10k fun run two years ago when Welsh runner Kelvin Mohanny claimed he would attempt the ‘slow and steady’ tactic, and after a year of waiting officials finally began to take down the finish line paraphernalia so they could quickly set it up again for the following years race, starting that day, only to find ol’ Mohanny saunter over the finish line screaming ‘Did I win? Did I win?’ He did of course win, but only because all eight other runners that year had been sadly eaten by Sasquatch.
With 2014 now coming to it’s own triumphant ending, two full years since 2012 itself was sadly eaten by a swarm of Amazonian Paranoia Wasps, there is one thing we all know for sure – unimaginative TV shows, magazines, websites, couch potatoes, cereal boxes, small town mayors, crazy street monologists, podcasters, radio broadcasters, and even some human beings, are coddling together a bunch of content we are all already bored sick of, and putting it on their ‘best of the year’ list.
Well, not here. Not from me damn it. It’s now, once again, time for my exclusive, unique and fan adored – end of year list of the best end of year lists of the year:
5. ‘The Kid’s Party Clown, Magician and Super Hero Newsletter’ for their awesome list of most unique way to let out a swear after being punched in the balls by a stupid kid, without getting in trouble for swearing. Number one spot of course going to Zonno when he exclaimed ‘I may not be on top of my game, but I am FUCKtioning at the best of my ability’.
4. ‘Crap Life Hack Twitter Account’ for their list of crappiest life hacks. My personal favorite was ‘use an old DVD cover to put over a dead cockroach so your wife or housemate eventually has to pick it up, but let's face it. They probably won't, and in the end you'll have to do it, and now you have two things to pick up’.
3. ‘Tax Auditor Magazine’ for their truly hilarious, and profound list of favorite amounts people tried to illegally tax deduct. The top three of course being $12,674.98, $3.29, and $2,999.99. Really an awesome list, check it out if you haven’t already.
2. ‘Today’s Last Customer Podcast’ the podcast where people who work in retail call in and talk about the last customer they dealt with before finally quitting. And their list of top ‘we sure can tell why they quit’ callers. Top spot of the year went to Tom from Oxnard California, who quit after, and I quote ‘so this guy right, he’s like “what time do you close” and here’s the thing, the opening hours are on the door man, they’re like written right there!’
And, drumroll please, this years best, most unique, creative, and beautifully presented list of best things of 2014 list, goes to………
1. ‘Dance Studio TV’ the brand new cable channel with all dance all the time, like even if you’re not in the mood for dancing, or if the music sucks, and their brilliant list of the top ten accidental dances of the yeah. Number one spot, and who could forget it – guy trying not to fall into the volcano. Ha ha, man his hands a were swinging like a humming bird before he was burned alive in front of his entire research department, hilarious stuff.
If I missed any great lists please feel free to let us know about them. And with 2015 here soon let’s hope for another year of great things to lead to great lists of great things all just waiting for next years list of best lists of the best of the year list. In the meantime I’ve off to do a gig as a clown at a kids party, if I get kicked in the nuts I have this one ready to go – look up at the stars, those groups are called CUNTellations!