Sunday, April 19, 2015

Everything on Earth navigation

If absolutely everything on earth had to come with a warning label I think the mold that's festering under my fridge would come with the warning 'Unreliable Arbitrator'. 

The modern world is a tricky place to navigate. There are all manner of obstacles to overcome, and when obstacles are involved disagreements arise. Remember obstacle course races as a kid? Yep, there was always like one section that benefited kids with different skill sets than your own. It was utter bullshit! 'I'm not tall, you fucker, how is the climb the wall section fucking fair, I'm going to burn this whole fucking local church kids in need charity mock Olympics event to the fucking ground!' You'd be forced to scream. 

Next thing you know, just a couple of days later you're brought in front of an adult 'Kyle here says that you left him severely physically disfigured with third-degree burns covering much of his body and that his tongue has a really painful spot that for some reason he can't stop raking over his teeth no matter how much it hurts, and that you were the one that started the fire?'

And you're all like 'Well if he was the 'best' at obstacle courses as his blue ribbon apparently proved, how come he couldn't navigate his way out of the fire? And also if his hot chocolate got so heated up its not my fault he still sipped it?' 

Then he'll be all like 'you didn't have to tie me to a chair in a locked closet'. 

And you'll be all like 'someone who apparently is the 'best' at obstacle courses shouldn't blame the course he was given'. 

Then he'll be like 'I hate you'. 

And you'll be all like 'you really can't sell that emotion now that you have no eyebrows.... or ears!'

And the next thing you know, for some unknown reason, an argument starts, and an arbitrator is brought in. 

Well the mold that's festering under my fridge would be unreliable at this. Because mold is both untrustworthy and unpredictable! Those are unreliable traits. Hence the warning label. 

Ps. Do you own anything as valuable as my festering fridge mold? If so what warning labels do you think they should carry? 

PPs. It turns out it was actually the mold that started the fire and you were just covering for it, so no need to feel guilty about that burned guy, I mean what kind of a stuck-up, rub it in prick wears a 'best at the obstacle course' blue ribbon on a hospital gown anyway? 

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