A Credible Calamitist

‘Oh that’s right, there’s a calamity in distance’ Karl was tersely reminded.

Karl was a calamity enthusiast. He hoped to be the world’s foremost calamity expert one day. But he found himself occasionally forgetting cradles and avenues of calamity and it had begun to deeply frustrate him.

He’d even forgotten the calamity in multiple opportunities once.
‘Like seriously, you end up having to say “no” to one or more of them, it’s kind of freaking obvious’ I reminded him when he brought it up from time to time.

‘But when you’re focusing your entire life on “calamity” then “opportunity” just drops off the radar occasionally’ he argued, attempting to defend his pathetic mistake, and mend any credibility he still held.

‘Do you think the world’s foremost explorer ever lets “home” slip from radar? Do you think that the Lord of Darkness will ever let “The Sun” completely escape his mind? Do you think the world’s foremost shoelace expert goes one fucking day not remembering the horrific threat that is “Velcro”? I’d point out, calmly.

‘Well you know what, the world’s foremost explorer is now long dead, the lord of darkness will far outlive something as temperamental as The Sun, and frankly Velcro may well be superior to shoelaces to be frank, and frankly the world’s foremost shoelace expert may be holding us all back with this relentless shoelace dedication’ he’d declare, from no where.

‘Can Velcro be interchanged with a variety of colors with also the possibility of a moderate level of style alteration with merely 10-20 minutes of finicky work depending on the shoe???’ I’d retort ‘Huh, huh, huh, CAN IT?’

‘What?’ Karl would reply.

‘With shoelaces I can change the color of my laces on the same pair of shows ANYTIME I want, assuming I am carrying a variety of shoelace options on me at all time, which obviously I am, can you do that with FUCKING VELCRO?’ I’d scream.

‘Well not, but it’s hardly the s….’

‘SO DON’T YOU DARE USE THE WORD SUPERIOR IN REFERENCE TO VELCRO EVER FUCKING AGAIN’ I’d bellow, interrupting him.

‘Here’s a calamity – talking to someone about footwear tightening devices who value color and alterationalability over practicality!’ He’d declare.

He had me there.

I couldn’t argue against that.

He did have potential Karl. I had to give him that. That sure was a calamity I had never observed.

I avowed right there to help him. I could remember previously discovered calamities. He could spot and identify new calamities. As a team we would be unstoppable calamity experts. The title of ‘foremost’ suddenly seemed inevitable.


We’re out on of our many calamity finding expeditions right now. I have enormous hopes and endless dreams. There is only one flaw in our mission I have noticed so far – I’m constantly having to put a pause on the operations to stop and tie my shoe laces. I mean fuck me, there MUST be a superior technology than this?

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