Tuesday, June 16, 2015

The compliment

Malcolm, a plumber from San Jose, is a cumaugerous asshole. He was well aware of this and had no interest in changing, but since the growth in online review websites, he was discovering reviews for his work like this one:

'Excellent plumber, but he sure is a cumaugerous asshole'.

It was starting to affect his business. 

'Maybe I could TRY saying compliment to someone one day' he began to think from time to time. But he didn't know where to start. So he kept putting it off. And his work continued to slow. 

But then...

'Those are pretty shoes' he found himself saying one day, as he looked up at a lady whose sink he was working under.

'Where the hell did that come from' he thought 'who cares, you're doing it, just keep going'

'They're pink. Not sure if I've ever seen pink shoes before. Not that I pay much attention to ladies shoes, you know because of how stupid they are, not that you're stupid, just heels in general, you know because they look like they hurt, which is literally the opposite intended use of footwear, so that's stupid'

Malcolm's compliment had begun to go south. Which is a saying thats insulting to everyone who lives in the Southern Hemisphere, you know, just half the fucking world! (Depending on where India is?)

'You can do this Malcolm' he thought 'this is your first compliment, keep it going'.

'But brave too! Like it takes bravery to give into stereotypical ideals of beauty even when they are stupid. I couldn't do it. I'm too proud to do things just because they're popular, no matter how dumb and even painful they are. So good for you. And hey, I don't know, if you were ever afraid of minor, minor heights you seem to have gotten over it. And that would have been pathetic, so hey, no longer pathetic. I once got over a fear. I used to fear my fathers drunken beatings, but then one day I flung a beer bottle into his face. I felt guilty after though. Cause I threw it real hard, it smashed, and he lost his left eye. I ended up punishing myself for years after that. Is that what your doing? Did you ever take out one of your parents eyes and now you're punishing yourself with painful feat? That makes sense. Oh plus, I just realized, they're bright pink, which draws the eye away from your face, which is truly hideous!'

'Get out of my house' replied the lady. 

Malcolm packed up his stuff, and as he was leaving muttered 'Wow, that's bullshit, I'm never fucking being nice again'. 

When he got home he discovered that India is entirely in the Northern Hemisphere.

'And people wonder why I'm a cumaugerous asshole?' He thought. 

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