Friday, July 3, 2015

How to make a lot of money really quickly and really easily

I have a very strong sense of intuition, some call it a psychic ability, they don't say that to my face, but I know they say it because I can sense it.

Normally I only use this for selfish personal gain, by say going down to the dog track looking up at the board and accurately predicting that the chance of winning is very low so not betting, I often end up with thousands of dollars more than my friends, so that's powerful.

In fact it was during one of my great trips to the track with friends when my intuition sent me another beautifully succinct psychic vision, saying very clearly this - 'there are probably people in the world that would like to get a lot of money, really quickly in a really easy way'.

It took me aback at first when it came to me 'but people mostly get their money really slowly and really difficultly' I thought 'could this really be the opposite of what they desire?'

It sounded stupid, people living these opposite lives, but then I remembered another of my psychic predictions, as I child there was a large rock that someone had dumped on our school playground, one day I was looking at it and a voice came to me - 'getting hit in the head with that would probably hurt'. Later that same school year I was accurately predicting that a kid named Kenny was a 'stinky stinky mcstink head' and he picked up the rock and smacked me in the head with it. Yep, you guessed it, it DID hurt! I had been right.

'If that vision was true then so must this one be' I thought, 'and if this is only something those of us with the gift can figure out, then it's up to someone like me to figure out how it can be done’. I'd reached a beautiful place in my life, I'd discovered that my wonderful talents didn't only need to be used selfishly, they could also be used to help the forgotten downtrodden demographic, a group known as 'other people'.

Fortunately I'm not just psychic but also really, really, really smart, so coming up with a super easy way to get a lot of money really, really, really easily and really, really, really quick was really, really, really easy for me.

Step One: Develop severe appendicitis. Some people can do this without even trying, but for those of us who have never had one of our own organs commit suicide, you may need just the tiniest bit of effort. One simple way to do it is to rig a microwave to work even when the door is open. Now take a length of aluminum foil, duct tape one end to the area near your appendix, and then scrunch the other end up around a handful of forks (if you have giant hands be careful, if you're more dainty in the hands department be generous) and stick them in the microwave on high for at least ten minutes. You can also go for the pancreas, but I prefer the appendix for reasons that will become clear later in the process.

Step 2. Be rushed to the hospital for emergency appendix removal surgery.

Step 3. Track down a black market surgeon. They're easier to find than you'd think. In fact according to movies almost all immigrants from non-English speaking countries doing low paid menial jobs were surgeons in their homelands, but the pizza was crap so they came here. If you don't like hanging out with foreigners shame on you, but I can alternatively recommend a guy down at the local dog track, l once heard him yell at a dog after a race, screaming 'I'm gonna slice you AND your owner into a million pieces' which is a LOT of pieces, so he must have the deftest of touches with a scalpel, and he works on humans and animals so he must be very skilled.

Step 4. In some ways this is the most important step. Get your black market surgeon to open up your surgery wound, slip in some scissors, and stitch that bad boy back up.

Step 5 (optional). Sneak into the hospital and double check that the scissor brand the hospital uses matches the one now inside your stomach. This requires being sneaky which is why it's optional, I'm sure some of you don't want to be sneaky. If you don't you can also easily find this information on the Internet. This step is also a good time to say to your black market surgeon 'we didn't talk about this, but you didn't put kitchen scissors in there did you?' If he did, and he probably did, get him to surgically switch them out with surgical scissors.

Step 6. Take a couple of days off your daily ab sculpting sessions.

Step 7. At your follow up session with your doctor tell him or her that your 'stomach hurts really bad, especially here' and point towards the spot you've recently had surgery on 2-5 times (in my experience most black market surgeons will get the right scissors in there within at least the first four or five surgeries) it may help to act like you’re in a lot of pain, if you're a bad actor you can also skip step 6, in which case you'll definitely be in actual pain.

Step 8. Actually this is the most important step. After they have X-rayed your wound and discovered the surgical scissors in there, if they ask you 'have these always been there?' - answer 'NO'.

Step 9. File suit and be given lots and lots of money, really, really, really quickly and really, really, really easily.

Now I know what you are all thinking? Yes, you're right, there is one tiny little negative, or 'unpleasant' element to this process. And yes you are correct, this will be paid out by the hospital insurance rather than the hospital, and many movies have created a false representation of insurance suggesting that ripping it off is a victimless crime, and you know that in actual fact insurance fraud adds to the premiums of all insurance purchases, sometimes rendering it out of reach for lower income households which in times of accident or theft can exasperate the cycle of poverty and debt.

However, that's 'logic' you're speaking with there. And I've personally long had a hunch that logic is controlled by your appendix (which is why I recommend not going with the pancreas option) and remember I'm psychic so my hunches are normally correct.

But it the one in a million chance I am not, you won't be a low-income household anymore so what do you care?

Alright, I'm sensing that even though every one of you is utterly blown away by this flawless plan with only one single potential down side, the odd one of you may feel that you're SO logical that you're worried a little logic will remain still in the system even after the appendix have been removed, and you don't want to have to spend time in a sauna to sweat it out.

Fair enough. So for you I offer this alternative, and also brilliant way to get really, really, really rich, with no down sides at all.

Open a Chinese Restaurant.

Use exclusively rancid meat.

Have every fortune cookie say 'you will get diarrhea'.

Boom, you have a Chinese restaurant that can boast 100% accurate fortune cookies 100% of the time, and therefore you've got yourself a money-printing factory!!! EVERYONE is going to want to experience a fortune cookie that’s definitely correct. Why do you think they call them 'fortune' cookies?

Enjoy being rich everyone. And no need to say thanks. As a psychic

I am already well aware of all the gifts you all have coming my way. So let me take this time for me to thank you.

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