John
had sworn he could say one sentence that included every known idiom,
cliche and common saying that had ever been uttered in the English
speaking world more than a thousand times, and after a marathon sixty
hour soliloquy he'd come to the end.
'Well
I've got to hand it to you, the emperor has new clothes, didn't need to
teach this old dog any new tricks, this is a man who sees the forest for
ALL of its trees, everyone, bow down, and raise your glass to John!
Passionately declared John's best friend Nick.
After
the beers gulped, the pure electricity that reverberated around the bar
began its decent back to normality and John walked over to Nick.
'Thanks
for the speech mate, you're a champion friend, and even though this
time I tasted the victory you wore defeat with honor and dignity, you're
a true friend and thank you kindly for that speech' said John
'What speech?' Replied Nick
'The one you just did, raise your glass etc' stated John.
'Oh
that wasn't a speech, I was just listing common phrases you'd missed
from your grand soliloquy, I most certainly won. You're a big fat loser,
and I'm the King of the castle - there, even more cliches you missed,
you fucking dumbass!' Mocked a triumphant Nick, a man who would soon
make it clear not only was he not honorable in defeat, but a total
boasting, teasing, fuck head in victory, who would absolutely be making
John go through with the terms that the loser gets Daffy Duck tattooed
on their forehead. In fact Nick would make sure it happened before
either of them went home, after all it shouldn't take more than an hour
or two, of course first there would be a couple more beers and an hour
more vile and biting mockery at least.
Meanwhile
back at his home, Nick's beautiful young wife was sitting in bed
seething 'alright that's officially sixty fucking hours since I last
heard from that asshole husband of mine' she said to herself, anger
littering and biting through every single syllable 'that's it, I'm
officially going to fuck his best friend John, in fact I'm going to fuck
him once for every hour Nick ends up being gone'.
It turned out to be the sixty-second time she fucked John that he impregnated her.
Nick
didn't find out till 'his' son was fourteen. John used the money he
saved on child support to get the tattoo removed, and the confidence he
gained from great sex with his now ex-best-friends wife to foster a
great period of growth and productivity as a person which ended up
sprouting into a rich fulfilling life.
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