Saturday, July 4, 2015

The Weeds

'.... he was in the dog house, the weeds, behind the eight ball, one hand clapping, and killing two birds with one stone, The End! Yes motherfucker! Boom!!!' 

John had sworn he could say one sentence that included every known idiom, cliche and common saying that had ever been uttered in the English speaking world more than a thousand  times, and after a marathon sixty hour soliloquy he'd come to the end. 

'Well I've got to hand it to you, the emperor has new clothes, didn't need to teach this old dog any new tricks, this is a man who sees the forest for ALL of its trees, everyone, bow down, and raise your glass to John! Passionately declared John's best friend Nick. 

After the beers gulped, the pure electricity that reverberated around the bar began its decent back to normality and John walked over to Nick. 

'Thanks for the speech mate, you're a champion friend, and even though this time I tasted the victory you wore defeat with honor and dignity, you're a true friend and thank you kindly for that speech' said John

'What speech?' Replied Nick

'The one you just did, raise your glass etc' stated John.

'Oh that wasn't a speech, I was just listing common phrases you'd missed from your grand soliloquy, I most certainly won. You're a big fat loser, and I'm the King of the castle - there, even more cliches you missed, you fucking dumbass!' Mocked a triumphant Nick, a man who would soon make it clear not only was he not honorable in defeat, but a total boasting, teasing, fuck head in victory, who would absolutely be making John go through with the terms that the loser gets Daffy Duck tattooed on their forehead. In fact Nick would make sure it happened before either of them went home, after all it shouldn't take more than an hour or two, of course first there would be a couple more beers and an hour more vile and biting mockery at least.

Meanwhile back at his home, Nick's beautiful young wife was sitting in bed seething 'alright that's officially sixty fucking hours since I last heard from that asshole husband of mine' she said to herself, anger littering and biting through every single syllable 'that's it, I'm officially going to fuck his best friend John, in fact I'm going to fuck him once for every hour Nick ends up being gone'.

It turned out to be the sixty-second time she fucked John that he impregnated her. 

Nick didn't find out till 'his' son was fourteen. John used the money he saved on child support to get the tattoo removed, and the confidence he gained from great sex with his now ex-best-friends wife to foster a great period of growth and productivity as a person which ended up sprouting into a rich fulfilling life.

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