Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Jenny was relieved that her doormat had been stolen.
It had been given to her by a recent ex.
An ex who made sandwiches for a living.
Really, really, freakishly good sandwiches.
The type of sandwiches that made people suspicious.
'I can get all these ingredients, but I can't make them as awesome as this, there must be something else in these sandwiches that you're not telling us about these sandwiches' they'd think.
While stuffing their faces with sandwiches.
'Is your boyfriend going to be there?' Friends would ask when Jenny invited them over for sandwiches.
She knew they didn't want to come unless the answer was yes, because they wanted HIS sandwiches.
Sometimes she'd go to visit him at work and her friends would be there eating sandwiches.
Sometimes her friends would plan picnics and invite her hoping for him to come and bring sandwiches.
Sometimes she'd enter the room and her friends would suddenly go 'Shhhh, shhhhh' and she knew they'd been talking about his sandwiches.
And by 'sandwiches' she of course 'epic erections'.
She just couldn't bare to say it out loud any more.
So yes Jenny was relieved that her doormat had been stolen.
She was less happy that her TV was missing, a bag of flour was congealing in her fish tank and that the last page of all her books had been removed.
But that's what you get when you convince your gigalo boyfriend to fire his pimp and go solo.