Saturday, October 31, 2015

Ghosts, ghosts, GHOSTS

It's Halloween today, depending on where you are or when you're reading this, so it may possibly have been Halloween yesterday, or possibly even three months and six days ago, and that's exciting because Halloween is ace, and Halloween means lots of things, but of course one thing more than any other thing:

And that thing is this:

That if you find yourself camping anytime in the next year or twenty, you're going to tell some ghost stories. 

Now I've never really told a ghost story, and I don't think I've ever really had one told to me, although one time when camping as a Boy Scout, true story: 

I got horrible diarrhea, then someone accidentally flung some water on me that was in a pot on a fire getting ready to boil, it wasn't hot yet, but I pretended it was so that I could claim my burns hurt so much that I couldn't get involved in scout activities, and I could instead spend all my time spraying the rats at the bottom of the pit that was our toilet. So I know TRUE horror. That's why it's time to give this halloween's definitive list of things to include in your next ghost story: 

1. Awesome settings: forget your cliches like isolated motels, broken down cars, shacks in the woods, mountains by the sea, dark alleys, well lit alleys, sandwich shops with alleys behind them, alleys that lead to dark places, places that aren't scary right now but could be if the budget in your story can afford to shoot at night, keeping in mind not just lighting costs, but also overtime pay for any union workers, scurvy tents, rats nests, giant bird cages that still contain giant birds yet no giant cats, a laundromat that doesn't sell detergent and you always forget to bring some from home, inside the mind of a bowl of soup, alleys that have dark senses of humor or any of the other tired old settings: 

Instead go with somewhere unique, here's a twist, try somewhere sweet, innocent, and pure so they'll never see it coming: like a flower shop, a baby clothes store, or inside your mothers vagina.

2. Include at least one hilarious joke: here's one I prepared earlier:

'I've got a cold, I don't know where I got the germs, I wash my hands religiously, at Christmas AND Easter!'

Here's a twist, if your listeners don't laugh yell 'zing' after it so they know it was a joke:

 If they still don't laugh yell 'zing attack' then jump on them and squeeze a marshmallow into their eye socket: 

If they STILL don't laugh, tie them to a tree near a pit of fire ants, strip them naked, then pour honey all over them:

If they STILL just don't laugh they just don't have a sense of humor so de-friend them:

If they are currently more than your friends, lovers even, demote them to mere friend to punish them. Make sure you tell your current friends you consider being your friend a punishment. 

3. A bad guy.

There you have it, these are the three key elements. Now just have all those elements come together in a satisfactory way for your audience. Boom. 

If your ghost story fails, don't worry, you can always grab a boiling pot from the fire and chuck it on your fellow campers:

Or just give them diarrhea, I have a hunch those rats need a good spraying. 

Today's blog was brought to you by:
- Colons, punctuation's version of the cute double butt mole. Colons, often overused and misused, but not in this blog.
- The word 'twist', a perfect replacement for 'tip' anytime. Who doesn't love getting drunk and going cow twisting.

Now THATS' a zing. You better laugh, cause I buy BIG marshmallows. 

0h wait:

4. GHOSTS!! 

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