Sunday, October 11, 2015

Watch out!

Next time a deadly hairy spider runs up your pant leg, instead of your normal reaction of crying, screaming, and blaming me - just because I'd once again brought a deadly hairy spider into the house and on the same day sewed a ball of mushed up flies into the inside of your pants, I want you to try taking a moment to think instead - suggested thoughts include:

- Hey the deadly hairy spider doesn't WANT to kill me, he just wants to eat some delicious mushed up flies.
- How does Dave get so many flies anyway?
- Does he keep them alive until he has enough to make a big enough ball, or just mush new ones to the existing ball as he goes?
- What holds that ball together, are flies insides a natural adhesive?
- If so, that's kind of cool, and possibly valuable information if I ever get lost in the woods. 
- Or even the outback of Australia, lots of flies out there! 
- If climate change floods the outside couple of hundred kilometers of the Australian continent, it won't be out back any more, it'll be like the front, ha ha that's gonna confuse some people.
- Confusing people is fun, wait - watch this - horticultural manufactured roman styled jovial restalation police from recent impish harpoonable witch quests, taste WAY better than an oysters sweat! 
- See people are confused, yet that statement is almost undeniably true. 
- Wow, you don't get that often.
- It's a unique, exciting, thought provoking, substitute for pharmaceutical enhancement, maniacal miracle! 
- Well that settles that.
- Now I'm HAPPY Dave ushered, nay midwifed, this glorious and fresh round of inspired, tomfoolery mimicking, excellence.
- God bless you David.
- And Allah bless you, and Xenu bless you, and Zen, you know the guy who works in the warehouse with the fish hook imbedded in his eye, bless you and even robot bless you.
- And don't get me started on robots as a deity, um inevitable people!
- But not here yet.
- For now let's worship Dave and his muse worthy usher skills that are so badass they could make making out at the movies obsolete. 
- You rule Dave.
- I'll never forget how much I look up to you.
- Oh holy hell, I think the spider just bit my hymen/ testicle bag, and the fact I can't think of the word 'scrotum' is, in this example, proof that I'm as virginal as the human option. 

So there you go people, you don't have to be a cliche see spider screamer, you're capable of WAY more! Plus don't worry if your hymen or male equivalent is gone but you still want to appear as having one, the adhesive released from mushing up flies makes an awesome duplicate! 

Ps. Seriously, it's call a 'hi men', no wonder the world is fucked. 

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