Sunday, December 6, 2015

Down on the…

 Mitch headed for a farm.

(Oh my god, oh my god, oh my GOD, I think we may have a farm story brewing here. I am so goddamn excited that I could piss in the mouth of baby, a cute baby even, and those are the best type. Well depending on your personal baby preferences. That's not for me to judge. I'm not a judgmental chap. I'm getting off point, there's a farm story coming, I'm so freakin' excited!!!)

But Mitch's car broke down soon after departure. And having recently flunked out of Car Mechanics University he was sure he had no idea how to break it back up.

(Fuuuuuccckkk!!! God damn it. Oh fuck that. Why do I bother, why do I even fucking bother. I get my hopes up, I start to feel good, I go to a happy place, I feel alive for the briefest of moments, and then they pull it away from me. It's like I pissed on the baby but it turned out to be wrapped in some sort of plastic so it didn't even get wet. NOT EVEN WET. I was supposed to get a farm story for fuck's sake. A FARM story! Fuck you Mitch! How hard could fucking Car Mechanics University be? Plus they must have had some sort of application process. So how did you get in? They aren't dumb those applications people! They only would have let you in if you were capable of it, which means you're just not trying hard enough, you lazy fucking shit! I hate you, I want you dead! Dick).

So Mitch called up his friend to ask for a ride.

(He had a phone??? And a friend??? A friend with a car??? This whole time??? Holy shit, that's AWESOME! But why didn't you say that earlier. Lead with that for fuck's sake. 'Mitch, a guy with a phone, a friend, and said friend being a friend who had a car, headed for a farm, knowing full well that if his car broke down, and he turned out to be a lazy, opportunity wasting, massive disappointment to his whole family as a student, that he still had a back up plan to get there' - now that's a good opening sentence! It's like when you have a chance to piss on a baby, you're not going to go without water all day that morning are you? Of course fucking not! Don't be fucking stupid. Anyway, it doesn't matter, Mitch got a lift, Mitch got a lift. Ha ha, that's fun to say, Mitch Mitch Mitch, got a lifty lifty lift! I'm so happy).

But his friend didn't answer.

(Alright, alright. That one's on me. You never said the friend had answered. In fact if he or she had, we'd probably have found out more about them. See? Do you see? I am taking responsibility for MY mistakes! It's not that fucking hard you motherfucker, so why haven't you owned up to that fact you don't know how to open a story with all the necessary information! I bet if you do have a baby you think it's cute EVEN if it isn't, and I wouldn't piss in the mouth of one of those even if a monkey in a hat was watching, and monkeys with wearing hats watching things is DELIGHTFUL!!!)

But it turned out he'd broken down in front of the farm! So he didn't even need a ride, and that his friend hadn't answered because he was standing immediately adjacent to Mitch, grinning in anticipation of Mitch realizing he was there.

(They're AT the farm??? I take it back, I take it ALL back. Every bit of it! You sneaky, tricky, magnificent bastard, you have taken me on a ROLLERCOASTER my friend… it's a farm story, oh no it's not, or is it? No. Yes. Not a chance. But wait.... IT MOTHERFUCKING IS! God bless you. I can see your baby right now, it's genuinely cute and it has piss ALL OVER IT! If it was wearing some form of a protection layer of plastic, it was not that hard to get off vacuum pack stuff, no this plastic was easy to tear like a newspaper out of the hands of an old person.  Well played, take a bow, ha ha, no wait, let's go into that farm and let this story soar!)

And they went into the farm, and lay down and died. The end.

(Um.......  Let me get this straight, So it IS a farm story? But it's not even a good one? I said soar! I said SOAR! How is laying down soaring? Explain that to me? It's almost like you went out of your way to make them NOT soar. How the fuck can you have a farm story and not make it good? There's crops at a farm! CROPS dickhead. It's almost impossible to make a story including those not good. You know what? If you do have a baby I don’t think I am even willing to piss on it, let alone in its mouth. In fact I might put a hat on it, and make it watch things, and when people find that delightful I’ll yell ‘ha, it’s NOT a monkey, I just made you think that it was by putting a hat on it! Suck a dick you dick!’ and then people will blame you for their delight being FALSE, fucking FALSE!)

This story was a story about friendship, not farms, I repeat NOT farms.

(Now you’re just doing it on purpose. Fuck you. To think I gave up a trip to the orphanage for this. Boo. Boo I say. Boo).

PS. Today's blog brought to you by the national foundation for pissing on babies; an activity so normal that is referenceable no matter whether you're happy OR angry beyond belief. Try it today.

PPs. Probably don't actually piss on babies.

PPPs. Unless they're ugly ones.

PPPPs. Which almost all are.

PPPPPs. No monkeys were forced to wear hats during this blog.

PPPPPs. Now THAT’S a lot of pees, ha ha.

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