Saturday, December 12, 2015

The Takeology Of Opportunology

After a long and detailed period of contemplation, meditation, Colbertnation, dedication, dictation, medication, train station and even thinking, I've decided to never cocoon myself in a massive envelope hoping that I'll come out as a German Baker. 

Now I know what you're thinking...

'You're NOT going to do it? But you have a chance to be a German Baker! And you're going to pass? Are you a fucking psycho?' 

Yes, I AM not going to do it. And yes I AM a psycho, but not a fucking one, in fact I take that to be a word with a lot of potential meanings, and I will not sit here and be told that I have a lot of potential. 

The reality is that I have some perfectly valid reasons for my decision, and they are as follows:

- Sure being a German a Baker is the dream for most, but, and this may shock some people, but from the research I have done, it turns out being cocooned in a massive envelope does NOT guarantee you'll become a German Baker. In fact all you CAN guarantee is that you'll end up as SOME sort of a baker, but the nationality of said baker is a lottery. Some people who have gone through this transformation have ended up Swiss or Austrian, and there was even a case of a French Baker who used to like to entertain his friends at parties with his prefect German accent. Um, no thanks, who on earth wants to entertain their friends? Those guys are assholes. 
- Again, based on some research I have done, it's come to my attention that this transformation can take WAY longer than I had anticipated, in some cases as long as 38 minutes. Sorry, I value my time, I could re-watch an old episode of Tile Wars in that time, and perhaps finally figure out why more people don't watch it. I means they tile bathroom floors, TO THE DEATH! 
- Turns out my local post office only sells the life sized massive envelopes with those little plastic windows for the address, and I REFUSE to have the address printed ON me, I never seem to be able to fold myself so that it sits in the right space in the envelope. 
- It turns out baking often happens in the early morning, which is a time I usually reserve for my research into real life truthful things people do that I am considering, so if I'm baking I may never decide whether or not I want to make a plastic mould of my inner lungs by inhaling enormous quantiles of steamed plastic, before getting someone to make me laugh while I'm drinking, so I cough so hard the mould comes out. 
- I don't like getting sizzling coal embers driven into my eyes, I find it to be both a waste of valuable sizzling coal embers, and a misuse of a vehicular motor powered automobiles. 
- I think walls are one of the top ten best sort of vertical building sides, maybe even top five! 
- Where as I think memories of clouds are probably only top fifteen. 
- Then again, by definition, in a top fifteen system, walls would also be a top fifteen ranked building side, making them equal, which makes me now question why we don't see more building sides made from memories of clouds? 
- I don't like German Baked goods. 

And when I stacked up all those reasons into a stack of reasons stacked up, I realize that it just wasn't for me. I mean what sort of walls do German Bakeries have? And do Germans even drive automobiles? There's no way to know. 

So that's it, it's off, and now I also must be off. I'm off to dig around my backyard, I heard that if you stick your head into the cavity of a dinosaurs tooth, you can come out as a Chilean garbage man, now THATS an opportunity not to miss.  

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