'Answer me this, If your tears tasted like chocolate milk how much would that affect how much you'd cry the day your favorite pet dairy cow died?' I asked the waiter.
'When you really want to make a monkey irate do you call it names or just act like you're not bothered by the names it calls you?'
'How many cubes of ice do you like on your spaghetti?'
'Do you consider doors to be more like giant misshapen straws or more like a leaky pool at a waterpark?'
'Do you ever take a photo of something pretty without immediately making plans to take photos of that photo, and if not why are you even taking a photo, you wasteful dick?'
'Do you buy your nuclear waste on the black market or through a worker with the official channels working off the books?'
'When you snap at people do you normally choose a towel, a rubber band, or their own legs post dipping them in fast drying elastic plastic'?
'Who is your elastic plastic guy, and does he work on Good Sunday?'
'How do YOU misspell Aruphamt?'
'Out of Lemurs, Manatees, and Toucans, which animals blood do you find changes stickiness the most on full moons'?
'When in the rainforest what gage nets do you prefer to be trapped in?'
'What about when you're in a far less humid yet equally as vegetative environment?'
'What's your favorite type of wood-chip to use to thicken up your baths?'
'If your phlegm tasted like Parisian artichoke soup, how would that affect how much you'd cry the day your favorite flu-germ harvester got fired from his day job as an Aruphamt and therefore has to start charging you fifty percent more per bucket'? I asked the waiter.
These may all seem like obvious questions to ask a stranger you're trying to get to know, but I wasn't asking them for that reason. No these were obvious yes, but they were also pertinent, and perticnity was very impertinent to me right now, I was trying to get a hold on his personality, his likes and dislikes, what made him tick, and what kind of explosion this ticking is leading to, and how dare he risk our lives by ticking like that near us? (And on a side note I was also trying to find a new elastic plastic guy, mine's decided to start taking off religious holidays, what an idiot, surely those are his busiest days!)
You see I'd paused a moment before putting my order in, knowing just how important this order would be, and the waiter had taken it upon himself to 'recommended' the, and I quote, 'tacos, they're great, but the enchiladas are some of my favorites too'. And I needed to know him inside and out before I could make a decision on whether to trust his recommendation or whether to spit it back in his face, possibly with some chewing tobacco mixed in, which would be hard because I didn't have any on me, and I had important stuff to attend to here, stuff that needed to be done in a BIG way, and NOW. I really did not need a trip to the tobacconist right now. Besides, my regular tobacconist was in a different county, and I'm not a disloyal dick.
His answers, as it turned out, said a lot about him! And a lot is WAY more than hardly ever, possibly even a LOT more. They were as follows.
'I said STOP it'
'I told you earlier I don't want to answer your stupid questions'
'Just order something please'
'Or don't, I really don't give a shit'
'What? That's disgusting!'
'I'm not even listening anymore'
'La la la, shut up or order something or I don't care'
'Seven percent, is that what you want me to say, fucking seven percent!'
Yep those answers said a LOT! A ton even. And even a ton in a situation when if someone asked you 'how much is a ton in this situation?' You'd answer 'a lot'. Yep those answers told me everything I needed to know about him. And they said it loud and clear -'I'm hard to get a handle on'!
There was nothing I could do but think about this more. I could not even begin to think about what to eat with this hanging handle that was hard just dangling in front of my face. This was clearly going to take some serious pondering. And I HATE pondering on an empty stomach 'oh for crying out loud, just get me something BIG to eat, and get me it NOW!' I screamed him.
I mean I had retribution to take from him, and here he was making ME ponder, what a dick! And retribution I would take, BIG retribution, and as soon as I had my food I'd take it NOW!
To be peddled further*
*Like on a bike, a bike 'continuing' down a path*
*Paths are also great free places to store your spare buckets of flu-germ or exotic animal bloods, no one ever steals* them, I don't know why
*Stealing being an act that makes you a dick!