Saturday, February 6, 2016

Stop the romanticism

get it, you're hanging out with a bunch of buddies, everyone is ripping on their kids, bitching away, saying stuff like 'my kids man, such bitches, always bitching about their siblings, and ripping their clothes, bitching about their clothes being ripped, ripping on their siblings' outfits, and bitching that their siblings are bitching on them, I mean, man, kiiiiidddssss!!!' and suddenly you and your friends all realize the exact same thing at the exact same time - 'Bill, our Vampire buddy over there reading the wine list, NEVER bitches about his kids, wow, vampires must have some super progressive and forward thinking parental methods creating harmony in a typical vampire household, we should ask him about them?' 

Well DON'T!!! 

Fact: The only reason sibling relationships in vampire households are so beautifully turmoil free is because typical human sibling arguments over bunk beds and which sibling sleeps in which bunk relative to their preferred bunk (typically is the opposite bunk from the individual siblings individual preference) for them is rendered irrelevant due to the typical vampires typical choice of sleeping upside down while hanging from the rafters, and therefore negates even the possibility of arguments or negativity over bunk positions! 

(Exceptions exist of course, like this typical Tuesday night exchange in a typical vampire house:  

Kid 1: I want the left side of the rafter!
Kid 1: But I called NO CALLSIES! 
Kid 2: And I pointed out that you can't CALL no callsies, you have to DECLARE IT! 
Kid 1: Oh yeah? Well declare this - MUUUUUOOOMMM Jeremy is poking me with his talons! 
Mom: Talons? Those are what Hawks have! We're supposed to be bat like! If you're turning into a hawk Jeremy so help me god I'll march up there and put you in the naughty corner. The dark corner, which I'll admit is basically like heaven for a bat, but a nightmare for a hawk, unless there's a rat or two to eat, which there won't be, unless someone's been leaving crumbs around, we eat BLOOD in this house, NOT sandwiches, if I catch one of you damn kids eating a sandwich I'll SOOOOOO put you in the naughty corner! 
Kid 2: Mmmmoooouuummm if Batman is so into bats, why does he fight for humans and not vampires, it's not FAIR! 
Mom: Oh for fuck's sake Jeremy, I TOLD you Batman is not REAL, what kind of moronic loser gives anytime at all to made up things? Now go to sleep!!!
Kid 1: Ha ha, you got yelled at, you got yelled at, plus your face looks like a possum face! 
Kid 2: Mooooouumm, Stephan called me a possum face!
Mom: GO . TO . SLEEP . NOW . OR . I . WILL . POKE . YOUR . EYES . BACK . IN . SO . YOU . ARE . NO . LONGER . BLIND!!!!
Kid 1: ...
Kid 2: ...
Kid 1: ...
Kid 2: ...
Mom: Thank god 
Kid 1: Moooouumm, is it true that some vampires sleep in coffins, can we get coffins please, please, please, please!!!
Kid 2: I call top coffin!!!
Kid 1: No I call top coffin!!!
Kid 2: No fucking CALLSIES!!!!!!) 

So yes, other than on Tuesdays (a stupid day anyway) Vampires do live in households built on the firm foundation of the soft pillow that is sibling harmony, but it's only because of the bunk bed thing, so let's please stop fucking pretending that it's because of progressive and forward thinking parental methods that we could adapt to be used in regular human families in order to create a more harmonious world! It ain't going to happen you idiots. 

Oh also, stop bitching about your kids, you're the one hanging out with a fucking blood eating vampire, no wonder they're a little messed up! 

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