Friday, May 13, 2016

Twenty Two - Melting Stuck

It was a warm and moist evening the day that I learned an important lesson that has stuck with me ever since; stuck to me like a reminder note stapled to your chest saying 'don't forget to buy bandaids, for some bafflingly unknown reason you need them often, oh and don't forget to get a new box of staples too, maybe two, oh and remember to start writing your reminder notes in a smaller font, this 26 type really makes these notes large, and it's a total waste of staples'. Yep I'm talking stuck to me like a daily routine.

The hit new movie 'Gargoyles; And We're Not Talking The Concrete Ones On Buildings, We're Talking Live Ones, Ones That Don't Want YOU Alive' had just come out, and people were saying that it was the best overly long named movie of the whole summer. I remember personally even thinking 'those Gargoyles are BIG, and they are popular NOW!' One reviewer went as far as saying that the weird gibberish that the gargoyles spoke as they ate people's spleens was 'infectious'. 

He was right too of course. Gargoyle fever had spread around the culture like a virus that had attached itself to an airborne sickness of some sort that was spread around by some sort of bug, probably mosquitos, or possibly flies that had bred with mosquitos and had babies that were called flies but genetically speaking were mostly mosquito, that spread around a virus that had a symptom of a fever, a fever for Gargoyles. 

This was something I knew a thing or two about. I've started many trends that have turned it to be infectious. My recent 'jam a meat cleaver in your forehead like a unicorn horn' was so infectious, that the infection was sometimes dripping down my face.

But during this Gargoyle infection I was in a sticky situation, as due to my epically strong immune system, and because I found the CGI to be slightly substandard, and mostly because I don't follow trends, I START them, I just could not catch Gargoyle fever. It was awful, I hate when everyone has a sickness I can't catch. But I didn't need to wait long for a solution.

Little did everyone know that the 'Pet Gargoyles' I'd been making and selling as a way to capitalize on the trend, were glued together with a concoction made from my earwax, and puss from a bafflingly unwarranted weird wound I had on my head, that wouldn't stop leaking. The concoction turned out to be full of a virus, and the virus was infectious, and the virus acted in a way completely unpredictable, by acting unpredictably predictable, and it spread throughout the land. Soon the infection was all anybody talked about, which was funny because no one could hear due to an, I'm sure unrelated, outbreak of severe ear infections, that had almost everyone oozing with earwax.

I'm sure you all remember the great Waxing of 99'. It was awesome. EVERYONE was waxy, so no CARED about being waxy. 

We went sledding down slippery mountains of wax, we wax-boarded down mountains of sand, and we sand-sled up mountains made of board and wax, we shot eery horror movies in the fog down by the wax marshes, witches cast spells in bubbling cauldrons of wax, spells that made it possible for us to watch TV on our wax boxes, and watch great shows like '101 uses for your wax', 'Game Of Waxes', 'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of this Wax, and 'How I Waxed Your Mother', we practiced our gymnastic jumps and flips with the safety of knowing we'd land softly and safely in pits of wax, we lay on our backs in parks and philosophized while trying to spot shapes in the floating by wax clouds, and we waxed lyrical after poetry readings while sipping on warm mugs of caffeinated Wax Sludge at hole-in-the-wall Waxfés, 

I even heard a couple once had a romantic dinner by the beautiful flickering light of a wax candle, and then made love in a room filled with beautiful burning wax aromatherapy pots, which would be beautiful if it wasn't so gross, eeeew romance. 

Everyone was having fun, except for me of course, I got epically distracted watching Seinwax, and suddenly I turned around and realized seven months had passed and the Gargoyle Fever had gone, and I still had three Pet Gargoyles in stock, meaning I'd probably have to sell them at a fifty percent off my regular retail price of four times production costs, which were zero. God damn it. This was going to cost me tonnes! Which made me think of the term 'a shit ton' which I hate, because no on can tell me if that's a metric or an imperial tonne? Meaning anytime I wanted to get out of something annoying, like helping Kev carry his sofa over to against the wall to see if his missing hamster was hiding under there, I'd have to compile two piles of shit, one a tonne and one the other size of a ton, to justify saying 'can't mate, got a shit ton of work'. 

Yep, it was horrible. But sometimes something horrible can lead to something good. Like one time was walking into a Gothic Cathedral and a Gargoyle fell off and landed on me, hurting me emotionally and rupturing my spleen, but I got something valuable from it, an idea for a completely original movie, it's about spleen eating Gargoyles! It's FRESH and it's NEW. I totally plan on writing it one day and selling it for millions! And this particular evening's horror was no exception, I learned a valuable lesson - when you have something to do, never ever EVER delay, not even for one second! 

As I circled the man from the photos in the restaurant library NOW I thought about this lesson. This was a lesson I would put to good use NOW, and the outcomes of it would be BIG. 

There's more to come*

*In the meantime I recommend re-watching some old episodes of Seinwax, remember the one where Jerrwax dumped a girl because, ha ha, because, ha ha, she drank her Caffeinated Wax Sludge at Monk's Waxfé with a straw*!!! It was HILARIOUS. 

*And yet drank her Caffeinated Wax Shakes WITHOUT a straw!  

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