Consider this: Sofa, couch, lounge, horizontal sitter, chesterfield, chesteroval, chesteralleyway, chaise lounge, chaise-a-lorange, duck a l'orange, libère le canapé, futon, futout, cushion hold, bed sit, living room fuck spot, or even… chair (vomit) we all have a different name for them. But we all have them. But, but, but, can they be fun?
Short answer – yeah.
Longer and more accurate answer – fuck yeah!
“Hey Dave” I hear you say, “I already knew sofas can be fun, I made a fucking fort out of one just last night, and even though it led to my home being invaded by proselytizers on some sort of crusade to finally figure out the real truth behind the Salam Witch Trials as referenced in the beloved play The Crucible, I STILL had fun. And even though I come to this blog day after day and discover that day after day I discover new and exiting ways to have fun, in this specific case I already knew that the thing your talking about was fun at home during this trying time, I like trying things, um, so um, I’ve kind of lost my train of thought, plus one of them crusaders left bloody suit of armor rust on my toilet seat. Did you know they don’t take them off to shit? They just have a welder follow them around and weld out a poo hole before welding it back shut. Seems like a waste of welding gas. Is that the same as barbecue gas? Maybe I can get that fella to weld me up a sausage, that sounds lovely doesn’t it?” I hear you continue.
And you’re right. That DOES sound lovely, but I bet it even TASTES lovely.
However, before you get that welder a’ sausage weldin’, and DEFINITELY before you start eying off your sofa as a place to sit and enjoy that lovely sausage, please, please consider first installing seatbelts on your sofa.
‘Um, what?” I hear you ask.
Not sure if your sofa needs seatbelts? Oh you hardly ever get maimed in horrible lounge accidents. Wrong. EVERYONE can get wounded on a sofa. In fact, here are the top eleven clues that yes, you DO, need to install seatbelts on your sofa, and frankly you should get on it FAST.
11. Your living room is on a stark downward incline, you aren’t immune to falling or melting, and yet you foolishly still bought one of those new fancy TVS is made out of Molten Lava!
10. You can’t afford to pay any more failure to wear a seatbelt tickets.
9. You look under your sofa and realize some prick has cut the break lines!
8. Every time a deer runs in front of your sofa YOU act like a deer in headlights.
7. Your sofas fuel injection is behaving more like fuel sporadically giving you a tiny prick (ha ha tiny prick).
6. You told a buddy he could sleep on the fold out, but you forgot ask “when”?
5. You told the producers of the hit television show “The Great Couch Drop” that they could drop your coach, but you forgot to ask “when”?
4. Your local lounge helmet store delivery guy forgot to bring his bike helmet so he can’t ride over your lounge helmet until later, but you forgot to ask “when”?
3. You’ve installed your sofa in the front seat of your car. And you’re a terrible driver. And sofa installer. And you bought WAY to big a sofa for the front of your car. And there’s dang ice on the road!
2. You’re just really concerned with safety, because there’s a dang sword-swinging crusader in your house!
1. The wi fi is out.
So there you go. Stay safe. Eat lovely sausages. And maybe just maybe we’ll all weld our ways back into the real world soon. I wish you all the best. Till tomorrow, have a fun day (unless you call them chairs – vomit!).
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