Welcome All New Reasons To Love. This is the blog where, like, consider this — there is too much hate out there. Just like loads of it. And not all of it even is out there, some of it’s in here, and in here is where WE are. It’s terrifying.
Yet at the very exact same time, there is not enough love out there OR in here. Fucknhell!
And it only gets worse from there and here — because despite this imbalance, people are always coming up with NEW ways to hate. Yet hardly anyone is coming up with new ways to love, and I hate that.
So I am changing it. Plus change is awesome! For example I once found some change IN an arcade game change return slot, and I returned it right back into the game! Hell yeah! That’s a change WIN.
So it’s time for change — and got all new reasons to love some stuff.
Today — all new reasons to love… DONKEYS.
Now, we all know the usual well established reasons to love donkeys..
They make great friends. They are awesome in a crises. They are arguably the cutest of all the four legged hooved beasts. They say “eeeorrr”, which is both a fun noise to make, and a great way to hear someone’s idea but gently direct them towards a better idea!
Consider this:
“Why don’t we negotiate with the Hopperston Trust, and try to get their board to lower prices just for the rest of this quarter.”
“No, that sucks idiot.”
Instead try this:
“Why don’t we negotiate with the Hopperston Trust, and try to get their board to lower prices just for the rest of this quarter.”
“eeeoorrr we could just buy them out completely and set our own prices AND acquire their company jet! “
Wow. Not only did the first guy not feel as bad, but we also just scored a JET! Thanks Donkeys!
Plus, unlike with the majority of mammal genitalia, if someone calls you a Donkey Dick, it’s king of silly, and you can’t help but feel good.
Try these three:
Hey pal, did you just look at me weird, you total Marmoset dick!
Hey pal, did you just look at me weird, what are you some sort of Donkey Dick.
Hey pal, did you just look at me weird, you total huntsman spider dick.
Isn’t the middle one the nicest? Yes it is. Thanks Donkeys. Plus, “yes I did just look at you weird pal, you have personality like a duck dick — you weird corkscrew thing — no no no, don’t punch me, I meant Donkey Dick, agghhh, yes you can buy me a beer. Yay new friend.”
So those are the usual ways we all know and love to love about Donkeys. But here are six ALL new ones.
- Find a donkeys head in your bed, and it probably will have the whole rest of it attached, because the mob traditionally use horses heads for that form of punishment and intimidation. Plus YOU are not a high powered movie exec, and therefore you don’t own a prized race Donkey. So if you find a donkey head in your bed, just smile man, everything is going to be ok!
2. “Donkey” is fun to say. Along with “Monkey”, “Wildebeest”, and “Spiny Lumpsucker Pleasing Fungus Beatle”, it is probably one of THE most fun animal names to say.* Woo hoo.
3. Donkeys make surprisingly well weighted paperweights — and they hardly ever eat your important paperwork, unless of course you printed then out on carrot paper!
4. Donkeys make a really great alternative to a paper shredder, just as long as you print all your important documents on carrot paper. And…
5. Donkeys are great for industry, for example some say up to 80% of all carrot paper is sold to corrupt corporate type Donkey paperweight owners. No one knows the exact number because the piece of paper it was written on disappeared some where.
6. If you find some carrot papers head in your bed, watch out, your pet donkey might have been meaning to eat that, and might now be hungry, and irritable, which on a Donkey is HILARIOUS. Yay!
So I think we answered this one — are there new reasons to love Donkeys? You bet your eeeeyoring Ass there are.
And the world just got a little more love in it. Yay. Go us!
Afterward
Ps. Please add any of your own new reasons to love Donkeys in the chat!
Pps. Arcade games rarely take change any more, so kids NEVER find any change in the return slot, and we wonder why kids aren’t as happy as they used to be???
Ppps. Try calling someone a Donkey Dick at a bar or in the stands at a sports match tonight, and then tomorrow write to us and tell us all about your new friend! Yay.
*Pppps. the Spiny Lumpsucker and the Pleasing Fungus Beatle are actually two different animals, however, I’m told the pleasing fungus is actually quite sticky, so one little slip one day, and we might get a combo! Hell Yeah!
Ppppps. Whats should we find more to love about next? Let us know in the chat and go into the draw to win a whole ream of carrot paper!
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