Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 32

CHAPTER THIRTY TWO

“Speak from your heart and you will always find the words you were looking for!”

“Are you Jason?” Brad said to me in a tone suggesting that he didn’t want me to say yes

“Yes” I replied, perhaps stupidly

“You came and bought underwear from me didn’t you?”

“Yes”

“With your friend Hannah?”

“Yes”

“You said your name was JayJay, I remember”

“Well its Jason Junior….J-J…see”

“I told you stuff”

“I know”

“You said it was horrible, you said you felt bad for me”

“I meant it”

“Yeah fuck shit you meant it”

“I did….I didn’t know you were talking about Ellie”

“I said her name was Ellie”

“I know…..I meant I didn’t know you meant my Ellie”

“SHE’S NOT YOUR FUCKING ELLIE MATE, SHE IS MY ELLIE” he screamed

“I know”

“Then why, how, when?”

“I just met a girl….a girl I liked…and she liked me too…that’s all”

“And she didn’t tell you about me?”

“She did…she didn’t say nice things though….did she tell you about me? I mean how did you find out?”

“You sent a fucking poem and flowers to my house; you didn’t think I would notice?”

“Your house, I thought you were gone”

“And what gave you that impression?”

“Ellie said…she said you were broken up….she said I could have her all to myself”

“She never mentioned anything about it to me”

“Really”

“Yes fucking really”

“I’m sorry”

“I bet you fucking are”

“What the fuck is going on, why would Ellie lie to me about this?” I thought

“You know I came around here today to beat the shit out of some guy called Jason Domey….I was going to make him hurt like he had never hurt before” Brad said

“I don’t think you should” I hastily replied

“I bet you fucking don’t…fortunately for you I actually liked you when we met…I thought you were nice…I don’t know if I can hit you…I still can’t believe you’re the reason Ellie was withdrawing from me”

“Its not because of me….she was withdrawing from you because you treated her bad…she was withdrawing from you because she wasn’t attracted to you anymore…she was withdrawing from you because she wanted more from life than you could offer her”

Brad then swung a punch which crushed in the side of my skull like someone had just thrown a bowling ball into my ear.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said that” I thought as I rapidly collapsed to the ground.

Brad came after me and reached down to grab at me. He missed me as I rolled away, he was too inflexible to get at me quick enough. However he was now in my apartment with the door now behind him. I jumped to my feet and moved quickly to the furthest corner of the room, which had me about six feet away from him. He charged at me, with another big round house punch. This time I was ready and ducked away from it and scrambled to the opposite corner.

“You don’t want to do this Brad” I said

“Don’t tell me what I fucking want to do” he said as he charged at me again, and I again managed to scramble away to the opposite corner. He was much stronger than me, but fortunately very overweight, unfit and slow. Each of these charges left him tired and out of breath quickly. However he was determined and tried again, and again I ducked under and got away.

“Seriously mate this wont make you feel better, this won’t get Ellie back for you” I pleaded with him

Again he charged, again I ducked to avoid his punch, this time however he was ready for my scramble, and he grabbed my shirt. I pulled hard to try and get away from him, but he was able to reel me in, and soon had me wrapped up in a tight, tight bear hug. I struggled back and forth to try and break free, but he was too strong. His arms were around my lower back and holding me too tight to draw in breath. I began to panic.

So I arched my head back as far as I could and drove it forward as hard as I could to smash my head into his. It felt like I was driving along on a motorbike and didn’t see an overhanging branch, which smashed straight into my face throwing me from my bike. Pain raced from my head to my whole body as I fell to the ground from Brad releasing his grip. I lay on the ground briefly trying to regain my breath, as I tasted blood on my lips. I looked up and saw Brad’s face, he had no blood on him, this blood was mine!

Before I could shake off my brief feeling of disorientation, Brad had grabbed me again, this time two hands on my collar and he lifted me clean off the ground, and proceeded to charge me back first into the wall behind him. He then backed off, still holding me, and again charged me into the wall. This time my head and my back were crushed up against the brick. He backed up again, this time further, nearly the whole way across the room, and with fire in his eyes charged for a third time. I reached out in vain hope of grabbing something, anything, which could prevent me from having my whole body crushed again. I snatched at air with my right hand, my left hand though felt the cold of metal, the bunk bed frame, and just as I was about to be a sandwich suddenly I fell to the ground, as Brad too fell to the ground, and the whole bunk toppled over. I rolled to my left, and then climbed over the bed, which was now lying like a divider in the room.

Brad lay on the floor. He was completely out of breath, breathing heavily and weasely, that real throaty breath that old people who have been smoking their whole lives breathe. Unfortunately I was on the opposite side of the divider from the door, so I couldn’t escape. Brad pulled himself to his feet, and slowly began climbing over the bed, which he struggled with the way I would struggle to climb over ..Mount Everest... I sat in the corner shaking, wondering how I could escape this time.

Then I decided, escape was the wrong game plan, I had to fight back, and I had to attack. As brad slumped over the bed wall, and struggled to his feet, I suddenly burst into action, and swung my hardest possible punch, right into his stomach. My hand was suddenly engulfed in a huge roll of fat, like some enormous bowl of jelly, and then gooped back out to freedom. Brad just laughed it off, then again smacked me in the side of the head. This time I remained on my feet and turned back to him drove a straight punch into I think his eye socket.

“You fucking cunt….god that hurts” He yelled

“Plenty more where that came from” I optimistically threatened back

Again I went for the stomach, with a rapid fire raid of lefts and rights. Then he shoved me to the ground, clearly unaffected by this barrage of punches.

I sprung back to my feet as he moved towards me, throwing another big hook, which I was able to avoid, just by arching my back, and watching it whistle by my nose. Then I countered with another straight one right into his ear. He grabbed at his ear in pain, and then looked up at me just as a left uppercut was hitting him under his chin, followed by a straight right into his nose. This one was followed by a splash of blood exploding out of his nostrils.

His eyes widened with his brow narrow in the middle, and his teeth clenched, and he just sprung towards me, not with a punch, but just using his body weight to drive me to the floor. I tried to stand, but as I got to my hands and knees my stomach was met with a massive foot hammering it. I fell to the floor again, and was suddenly plummeted with a series of kicks to the head and arms. The pain was immense and I couldn’t move out of the way at all. Then they stopped. Brad stood over me looking down, his breath all spent, breathing deeply and heavily again, like a marathon runner at the end of the race. He stood there staring at me, just waiting for the energy to attack again, while I lay in pain. Then I saw his eyes drift off me and to the other corner of the room. My chance!

I whipped my arm out reaching forward for my last hope of survival, towards the area which man has both avoided as a sign of respect for his opponent, but then turned to in desperation for as long as fighting has been part of our lives, the grand pole of adventure and his two side kicks, the jewels for which the kingdom was built, the three wise men, the bat and sports bag, the snake and its eggs, the friends to us all, the second brain, the most painful spot on human beings, the soft spot of vulnerability, the remote control and batteries, the rooster and feed bag, the seaman’s ship and his crew, the happy camper and his backpacks, the balls and penis, and I clamped my hand on there like a mountain climber hangs on to a cliff face while an unexpected hurricane blows though. I hung on like a vice hangs onto a piece of wood, like a child hangs onto his last piece of candy, like a pregnant women hangs onto her husbands hand while she gives birth to their triplets after he had said “don’t worry I’ve had a vasectomy”, like a crocodile hangs on to a zebra it has snatched from the river bank, like a vigilantly holds onto the piece of wood he is using to crush in the head of the filthy peeping tom before him, like someone scared of heights holds onto the railing of the bouncing bridge he is on over the rapids of the river during an unexpected gush of wind, like a bank robber holds onto his bag of cash as he runs from the cops as they close in fast, while his partner in crime lays in a pool of his own blood at the bank entrance door, I crushed them like grabbing a big ball of clay and squeezing it so hard that it starts to ooze through your clenched fisted fingers.

At first he struggled a little, he reached down at my head trying to push me off, but all his strength was being sapped by his testicles attempting not to explode. He tried to pull my hair, but couldn’t make a fist to hold it. Then he began to shake, and just swing his arms around. Then just as I could physically feel his balls begin to mush up like mashed potato he let out a scream. Not just any kind of scream, the kind that you make when someone breaks your leg so bad that the knee is bent to ninety degrees the wrong way, he screamed like an opera singer trying to break a glass cup. Then I let go, and he keeled over, and cupped his hands to his nether region, as I leaped over the bed divider, opened the door, and ran down the street like I was attempting to break the world record for the two hundred meters.

I think I had run about a mile as fast as I could before I turned around to make sure he wasn’t behind me, then I realized he probably couldn’t run that far in a whole day, even without having to carry a three times their normal size swollen scrotum bag.

I didn’t know what to do. He was in my house; I couldn’t just leave him there. I turned and began to walk back. I walked slowly, always weary that every person coming in my direction could be him, so I would pause, and wait as they got closer, while my heart beat faster and faster, then I would breath a sigh of relief when it turned out to just be an eighty year old women. It had taken me about five minutes to run the mile away from my house, but I took about thirty minutes to walk it back, still it felt way too soon before I was standing across the street looking at my door.

I couldn’t look in the window, some idiot had spray painted it black, and I was too scared to open the door, in case he was waiting for me there. So I sat and waited, across the road from my own house, for three hours, barley taking my eyes off that front door the whole time. Eventually I realized that he must be gone.

I slowly walked across the street, and put my head to the door, trying to listen for any movement inside. Nothing. Then I suddenly burst open the door, running into the apartment as quick as I could to try and surprise back anyone who was trying to surprise me, then I tripped over one of my milk crate chairs, went face first into the ground, before rolling over and looking up to see an empty apartment.

Something was strange. I couldn’t work out what at first, so I sat down on the sofa to survey the scene. That’s it. “The bed is back up where it is supposed to be” I thought. In fact the whole apartment had been tidied up; it hadn’t looked this clean in weeks. I sat there quietly just thinking to myself, trying to make sense of what had happened, when I realized there was a noise coming from the bathroom, it sounded like water dripping slowly.

I eased open the bathroom door and poked my head in to see a quite unusual site. Brad was sitting in my bath, sobbing.

“Hello” I said

“Hello, you can’t just fucking say hello you idiot” I thought

“Hello” He said back without even looking up

“Are you alright?” I asked, genuinely concerned

“No”

Silence, I couldn’t think of a thing to say, completely blank mind

“No I’m not….my life is ruined…I’m sorry, its not your fault….its not your fault I lost Ellie….Its mine…you didn’t deserve to be attacked in your own house….you didn’t deserve to have me come after you….its not your fault you love Ellie, Ellie is the most lovable person I have ever met….I can’t believe anyone would not love her….but I took her for granted….I treated her poorly….I argued with her….I should of treated her like a queen…I fucked up….I always fuck up….I deserved a lot more than what you did to me before you left….I just wish I had of gotten it three years ago….it would of woken me up….it would of made me realize that I had it all, and I was going to lose it, I was giving it away…how could I do that, how could I give away Ellie….Ellie, the best thing that ever has or ever will happen to me….I’m sorry….I’m sorry….I’m sorry….I’m sorry I am still in your house….I cleaned up, and I was going to leave, but then I realized….I didn’t have anywhere to go….Ellie is my home….I have lost her, I have lost my home, I have lost everything” he mumbled through a whimpering chin

“I’m sorry…I never wanted this”

“I know”

“There is only one thing I can tell you….Ellie still loves you…she told me….she loves you, just….just as only a friend though….it’s still love….she told me….she told me that the reason she didn’t break up with you earlier was that she couldn’t bring herself to break the heart of the person she loved most in the world….she couldn’t think of a way to lose you as a boyfriend and keep you as her best friend….I know it’s not much….but you haven’t lost everything….go to her, tell her that you still want to be part of her life…I promise you, you still have a home” I said

“That’s really the truth?”

“I swear to god”

“Then thankyou, I really mean that, thankyou”

He reached his hand towards me, and I put mine out and we shook. It was a very weird experience; I think we had earned each others respect. As we shook he pulled at my hand, and I pulled back to lift him to his feet. He stepped out of the bath, and walked gingerly out of the bathroom and towards the front door. “Maybe I shouldn’t have squeezed quite so hard” I thought to myself, as he hobbled like he had spent the past six months riding a horse. When he reached the door he opened it and turned to me, just looking at me with a look in his eyes I had only seen once before on anyone, a combination of sadness, and hope, and respect, but with that look of being beaten, the last time I saw it was on me, as I looked in the mirror, badly beaten and crushed, but I had made the decision then to improve my life anyway I knew how. I hoped Brad had made a similar decision. I hoped he would find something to help him. “Good luck” I said as he looked at me, he turned and hobbled away without another word.

Three hours later I had a knock on the door, it was Ellie.

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 31

CHAPTER THIRTY ONE

“It doesn’t matter how smooth the road has been so far;

There will always be potholes ahead!”

“JayJay….I have to tell you something…..it’s over” Ellie said to me on the other end of the phone as soon as I answered.

I knew this day was coming, I had spent weeks preparing for it, and yet hearing her say it, those words stabbed me like the sharpest knife in the world. Without responding at all I burst into tears. Tears that had been brewing inside me for weeks on end, just waiting for the final nail in my coffin of love. The kind of tears that you only cry once in your entire life, the day your first love tells you she is breaking up with you. Those tears flowed down my face, like the time when I was five and my brother decided to urinate on my head, and I just took it and let it drip right down my face into my mouth, sour and disgusting, and oh so wet. Those tears came with sobs too. The sobs which mothers make when they find out after a week long negotiation with her baby’s abductor, that he had already killed her son, and all hope was lost. Losing all hope is the saddest moment in anyone’s life. I was sobbing so hard that I didn’t even hear what Ellie was saying next, until she repeated it several times

“No JayJay, not with you, not with you, No JayJay, not with you, not with you’ she said over and over until I finally registered

“What?”

“I am not ending it with you…I have ended it with Brad, with Brad its over, I love you, I want to be all yours”

Then there was a knock on the door. I walked over and opened it up, and there was Ellie with her cell phone in her hand. She looked at me for about one second then threw her arms around me. Then kissed my wet lips. Then again I broke out crying. I cried the tears you only cry once in your life. The tears you cry when the greatest moment of your life is a possibility and the worst moment of your life is also a possibility, and its teetering on the edge, and your nerves are as shot as a drug dealer sentenced to face the firing squad in Thailand for trying to smuggle heroin up his rectum, and its coming down to this moment, the worst moment or the best – then incredibly it’s the best. The single happiest moment in your life! And your body just doesn’t know how to react to such intense joy. It has never had to deal with this before. So it responds in the way it had dealt with extreme emotion before, usually pain, so you cry. You sob like a woman who as a result of being rapped when she was twelve has been told her whole life that she could never bear children, and still desperate to be a mother she never gave up hope, and so painful operations later, and years of daily hormone injections, and years of expensive IVF procedures, and many, many times being told that the most recent time was again a failure, and then the unbearable heart break of finally conceiving only to have the baby disappear from her via a bloody miscarriage, to now when she finally, finally has carried a baby to full term, and after a whole night of agonizing labor, and fears for the babies health, she holds her healthy new born daughter in her arms, while her loving husband strokes its small crop of hair . I was sobbing so hard I didn’t even hear what Ellie was saying next, until she repeated it over and over “I love you JayJay, I love you JayJay, I love you JayJay”. “I love you too my Ellie Belly” I replied.

Ellie and I spent the night making such good love that they should have filmed us and made it into an instructional video. I then slept that great sleep of someone who is both physically exhausted and mentally exhilarated, and woke up with a smile so wide it could barely fit in my apartment. I was buzzing with excitement. I actually was in love, I was actually loved, and it was actually the same person, how unbelievable!

We had made plans for her to come around that night after work, she just had to go home first to collect some clothes so she had clothes to wear for the next couple of days, when she would be spending the night at my place, yes you heard me right, I had a beautiful, wonderful girl coming over, and she was planning to stay with me, in my place, in my bed, for days, where we would have colossal amounts of sex, spend more time hugging than a prisoner spends in his cell, and just be together all the time. I was higher than any crack addict in the world.

As you can probably imagine I had little else on my mind this morning. Hannah called up to see if I wanted to hang out, and for basically the first time in my life I actually said no to her. I just wanted to think about Ellie. I didn’t want my mind distracted from it. When you have had some of the experiences which I have had over the years, then you spend lots of your time trying to forget about them, but I was now building up a memory bank of happy memories, memories which I could call on anytime I ever needed a lift, and I wanted to think about them over and over again until they were burned into my brain.

I thought about going and seeing Ellie at work, but I knew she didn’t want me to. Still I needed to let her know in someway that she was on my mind today. I thought about what I could do for ages. I could send her a text message. But that’s hardly the most romantic thing in the world. I could call up and have her paged, but that’s just bound to piss her off, especially if she was with customers and lost a commission.

Then I decided the best idea was to have something waiting for her when she got home, some kind of present. I had never sent anyone flowers before, not that I am not romantic, I love the thought of doing something nice like that for a loved one, but I just had never had anyone in the world who wouldn’t just get scared to death to receive flowers from me. So that’s what I decided to do. I loved the thought of seeing Ellie’s face when she came home with a big bouquet of red roses on her door step. I called up a few florists from the phone book and found one which said they could have them there by the time she got home. Then I hit a snag. “What do you want to write as a message?” the lovely lady on the other end of the phone asked.

“I don’t know” I responded, because I didn’t have a fucking clue in the world “what do most people put?” I asked.

“Can be all sorts of things, a thankyou, a declaration of love, a poem you have written, anything you want really” She replied.

“Ok I’ll get back to you”

“What to write, what to write, what to write” I thought in my head over and over, until I realized I wasn’t even thinking about what to write, I was thinking about just those words, and was slipping into some unplanned meditation zone.

“I love you Ellie, I am so glad you have broken up with your boyfriend” Hhhhmmm nah, not that romantic

“Ellie making love to you is like spending time in heaven with Jesus” Maybe a bit too homosexual and sacrilegious

“Ellie my belly, I like being with you more than watching tele” Too crap

“Every day I spend with you is like spending a day happier than I have ever been, even though we have never actually spent a day together, in fact I have barely ever seen you in sunlight, well actually have I ever seen you at sunlight?” No

“I love my Ellie oh yes I do, I love my Ellie, that is who” No

“Ellie is quite contrary I like her better than Mary” No

“When the work day ends, Ellie comes to me, that’s the way I like it to be” No

“I told you my name was JayJay, that was unusual for me, that’s what you did to me” No

“I fell in love with you at first site, I can’t wait for you to stay the night” Getting better, but no

“One day I was sad and all alone, but since I met you I’ve really grown” Good start, but no

“Brad is sad, because I have you, and I am glad” No

“Hannah told me that I would get laid soon, and I have that thanks to you” No

“These are getting fucking worse JayJay, better think of something soon” I thought, then I decided the problem might be that a quick jive like that is not long enough to say how I really feel, maybe I should try writing a poem. This was my first attempt

Ellie I saw you on the warehouse floor

I had to lean against a wall

To stop from falling on my face

To stop the spinning in that place

My heart was floating in the air

I just watched it float up there

Hoping you would see it above

And share with me all your love

I didn’t get with you that day

I thought my chance had gone away

But I saw you on a train at night

You gave me such a pleasant fright

And we talked like old friends

And I didn’t want the trip to end

I called you up on the phone

I no longer felt all alone

We had dinner and a hug

We rolled around on my rug

And now you’re all for me

You didn’t know how happy I could be

Tonight is my biggest dream come true

I couldn’t be happier than to be with you

I was very pleased with this effort. Hey who knew I could write a poem? But I wasn’t quite satisfied. It was just a little too literal. Ellie knew our story, but she also knew the part Brad played in it. I didn’t want this poem to remind her of her betrayal, just of how happy we were going to be together. So I tried again. This is my second effort.

True love only comes around

When the moon is blue

When it strikes you down

You feel your flowers bloom

For so long now my

Flowers have done nothing but die

My crushes have ended

With me having a cry

But then you came into my life

I’m not sure why

And my flowers rose up

With colors so true

And it’s because of this

I’m so in love with you

What do you think? I was very happy with this. It was just what I hoped it would be. I might not be a wordsmith. I might not be about to write a book of romantic poems, but for an amateur, sending his first bouquet of roses, and his first poem to the girl he loves, how much better could it have been? I called up the florist again, and shyly read it over the phone for the lady to write onto the card, “That’s very sweet”; she said when I was done. This made me feel good. And she promised my poem and the roses would be on Ellie’s doorstep by the time she got home.

This was still three hours away. Ellie still had to pack up when she got home, and come over. So I wasn’t expecting to see her for about four hours. This was going to be a very hard four hours to kill. Staring at a clock for some reason makes the hands go really, really slowly. I tried doing some drawings, did some Explosion Man, but I just wasn’t in the mood for the battles of Explosion Man versus his evil brother Desert Fire. I tried drawing a picture of Ellie just from my memory of her. And then decided that either I was a very ordinary face drawer, or that I actually had a mutant coming around to see me that night, “Could I possibly of fallen in love with a mutant, is love really that blind?” I thought to myself. I went for a run; sport is usually great to take your mind off things. However running is not! Running is great to think of things over and over again.

I tried watching TV. There was only crap Saturday afternoon TV on. Some crap movie from 1972 or something, about a short man and how his love for horses was making it hard for him to love his women. Then there was a documentary about the lives of the world’s deadliest spiders, and they kept showing footage of spiders running through people’s bed linen, and hiding in their shoes, not pleasant things to think of. Then there was a crappy reality dating show, this one was a competition to see a guy answering a serious of questions, which three girls had already responded to. They were questions like “How long after you have fallen for someone do you want to sleep with them” and then multiple choice answers. And in the end he is introduced to the girls. And he has to pick which one he likes the most, and if the one he chooses he thinks is most attractive is the same one he matched the most with from the questions, then they got to go on a date all expenses paid. The whole thing was fatally floored from the beginning, because the guy was just some average guy, he didn’t look that much different from me, and the girls were all really pretty, but this show was based on the idea that all three of the girls wanted to date him, which is about as likely as finding three girls who all want to go to a bar prowling for boys, with a plan of buying all the cute ones drinks, and taking one home each for a hot night of sex. That’s just not realistic. Girls are not that easy. He guessed wrong anyway. He chose the prettiest of the girls, and matched best with the least pretty. I think it was all a scam to show guys as being chauvinistic and only caring about looks, and to try and teach us that the real best match for you isn’t necessarily the prettiest. That’s just stupid though. When are they going to teach girls not to judge a book by its cover for once? We’ve been coping this ‘men are shallow’ crap for decades, but you girls are just as bad.

Anyway, TV was distracting enough that three and a half hours had gone past before I began staring at the door just waiting for it to shudder from the force of a fist hitting it. When it finally did shudder, it shudded way more than I was expecting from cute little Ellie. Still when I opened the door I was a little surprised to find in front of me a large round chubby sort of fattish, man with a neat office like hair cut, and an outfit which looked slightly too small, clean shaven and smelling like he worked in a perfume factory, yet with a face that suggested he answered calls on a complaints line all day.

He looked remarkably familiar, until he said

“I can’t believe it’s you” With a voice both angry and laced with sadness

Then it hit me, it was Brad.

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 30

CHAPTER THIRTY

“One lesson life teaches us over and over again,

Is that even when everything seems to be going bad,

It doesn’t mean it will remain that way forever!”

It started with guilt. I had been able to avoid any real guilt towards Brad from the start. For one thing he didn’t seem real to me. I had never seen him, I had never met him, he was just like some made up character in a movie which I hadn’t yet seen, and didn’t really want to see, an illusion.

The other thing was the only time I ever heard him mentioned was obviously by Ellie, and when Ellie mentioned him it usually was in context of something like “You wouldn’t believe what fucking Brad said to me today” or “I can’t believe what an asshole brad has been lately”. Ellie never had even the slightest kind word to say about him. She made him out to be like some demonesk creature, sent to earth from the devil himself just to mock her, and berate her, and make her feel ugly and worthless. And I was her angel sent to treat her like a goddess, and make her feel loved, and beautiful, and wanted.

I had no reason to feel guilt for Brad. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was saving Ellie from evil, I was spreading happiness, and I was taking away misery. I somehow conveniently forgot to think of the fact that Ellie had once loved him, that he may still love her, that I only ever heard one side of the story, and that maybe Ellie wasn’t the same incredibly being around Brad as she was around me.

That all changed though on a day I decided I needed new underwear. Well actually Hannah decided I needed new underwear. She was around at my place watching television with me in my as usual messy apartment. I had crap flown all over the place, including pretty much all of my clothes, which for some reason included having a pair of underpants hanging from the rabbit ear aerials I used to get television reception. Actually they were there from the night before when Ellie had ripped them from my body and tossed them aside right before letting her hunger overtake her and devouring my penis for her dinner. I didn’t tell Hannah that though. As sexual forward as Hannah had always been with me I had never been able to feel comfortable with talking about my sex life with her at all openly. In fact our sex talk usually just went along the lines of her saying something like “You got laid last night didn’t you, you little sex fiend?” and I would reply by smiling just a little, then trying to hide the smile from Hannah, which would make me smile even more, before Hannah would jump on me yelling something like “Watch out for JayJay sex god”, or “When am I going to get my turn you sexy little stud?”

Anyways I had underpants hanging from the aerial. They had been mentioned briefly earlier in the night when Hannah had arrived, something like “Nice decorations”, but nothing else. Until about two hours after Hannah had arrived when she turned to me and said “If you’re going to use underpants as decorations, then you should at least use your nice ones”

“What do you mean nice ones? ….all my underpants are like those” I replied

“I really hope you’re joking JayJay”

“No…why…there just underpants”

“Jason, those are disgusting….they are old and they have started to turn brown….I hope just from age….and surely you don’t let Ellie let you see you in those”

“Um…..well….yes”

“Oh no Jas, that’s awful….I would have got you some nice ones if I had of known you were wearing these all the time”

“What’s the difference….there just too….um….you know….hold in your bat and balls, its not like I parade around in them”

“But they are the last thing Ellie sees you in before you have sex?”

“Yes”

“Well that’s gross….that is not a pretty sight”

“All the more reason for her to nudenise me all the quicker then” I declared

“And you wouldn’t care if she was wearing disgusting old panties under her skirt?”

“No….well you know nice underwear is nice….but guys don’t care about stuff like that…we’re all about getting to what’s below the panties”

“Well trust me JayJay….girls care about the state of a guys underthings, it tells us a lot about you….and these say ‘I’m going to give you genital warts’”

“Really….?”

“Yes really, well more likely ‘really are these your underpants? Then no I have changed my mind and we won’t be having sex after all’” Hannah said, with her best attempt to replicate Ellie’s oh so cute baby voice

“Then what should I wear?” I asked

“Don’t worry about it…I’ll take you shopping tomorrow”

“Um…well thanks Hannah…but I think it might be better for me to go underpant shopping alone”

“Don’t be silly JayJay…you know I’d never let you pick out clothes on your own…I want you to look good”

And so the next day Hannah was around at my house bright and early to take me underpants shopping, hip hooray. She took me to this place called ‘Big Brothers Smalls’, which apparently was quite a fashionable place to go to buy underwear and things like pajamas, handkerchiefs and toiletries. Upon entering we walked through about three hectares of women’s lingerie, in all sorts of arse flossing design’s, mostly looking incredibly sexy, and putting some quite nice images in my mind, until I started to look at the clientele around the store and found it to include a large smattering of older women and larger women. Not that there is anything wrong with either of those things. Just that I don’t want to picture women like that in a g-string small enough to be stored in a match box.

Eventually we found the menswear section hidden way in the back corner. Now for some reason underwear manufacturers feel that the best way to encourage a person such as myself into buying their products, is for them to put on the cover a large picture of a man with a six pack as obvious as the rocky mountains, and with a penis bulge as prominent and as big as their heads.

I can promise any of you out there right now, if you want to sell me underpants, do not, I repeat DO NOT, force me to buy a product which both makes me feel completely inadequate as a man, completely unattractive, and make the shop assistant question whether I am in fact buying them because I need underpants, or if I’m buying them because I am a closet homosexual and find this the least embarrassing way of buying porn for me to masturbate to. That does not make for a pleasant shopping experience. Why cant we have the pictures of women in lingerie from the women’s section, like Kylie Minogue in a g-string on the men’s underpants, and girls can have Marky Mark and his amazing twelve inch tool over there.

“So what should I get” I asked Hannah while looking at a male g-string out of the corner of my eye and getting ready to run out of the store if Hannah even suggested they were a possibility

“You need boxer briefs”

“What the hell are boxer briefs?”

“They’re sort of like boxer shorts, only with the tightness of briefs, so you can still show off your package”

“And that’s what the girls like us in these days?” I asked, full of skepticism

“Depends…if you have a good body, then these are the ones for you”

“So then they are not the ones for JayJay!”

“Jason…I know you like to joke that your still the fat kid from highschool, but you know that you are not anymore, time to start being proud of that hot little body you have been working so hard to achieve”

“Well I don’t really work that hard, just the odd run…..I guess my metabolism just changed”

“Even fucking better…you’re naturally hot…you dress like it on the outside now…now start dressing like it on the inside…trust me, girls have a sixth sense…they can tell when they will like what they will find under a guys jeans, and if they think they will like it then they will want to get there all the more often”

“Ok….so which ones then”

“These” She handed me up a box of Calvin Klein white boxer briefs which had a picture on the cover of a guy giving me a look like he was saying “Come on you know you want to get into my underpants”.

I looked at the price and literally dropped them on the floor. They were seriously more money than the entire rest of my wardrobe had cost me with Hannah at the second hand store. I think Hannah could sense my disapproval, because without even asking me she said “JayJay, we got your other clothes at a second hand store, you cannot under any circumstances buy second hand underwear, you get the rest of your stuff cheap so you can afford these…besides you have your big animation man money now anyway”.

“Oooooo…kkkk” I gave as my usual reluctant give in response to a tirade from Hannah. Hannah jumped up with enthusiasm at having again talked me into something, and then went about stacking my arms with a section of boxes of underpants with enough semi naked boys on the fronts to cover the whole gay porn industry.

Hannah then pushed me on to the check out counter where I plopped them down on the counter. The check out chick was surprisingly a man. He was a large plump roundish sort of fat man, with a shaved head and little goatee beard, wearing a suit which looked a couple of sizes too small, and a look on his face which clearly suggested that he had had one hell of an awful day.

He sighed as he went about scanning all of my extravagantly expensive undergarments, and then proceeded to look sadder and sadder as we waited for him.

“Are you ok?” Hannah asked, being the one of the two of us most likely to have the confidence to ask a question like that

“Yeah I’m ok” He replied

“Are you sure”

“Yeah just been a hard day” He said while clearly now struggling not to cry

“Oh my god” Hannah said “What’s wrong…you can tell me”

“Well….I don’t know” He said now clearly now no longer trying not to cry, and instead trying hard not to cry too much

“It’s ok mate….you can tell us…we might be able to help” I said

“You gay fag” I thought, about myself, not him

“You big girl” I thought, about him, not myself

“Well….um….it’s just that” he paused while he wiped a stream of tears away from his face “well it’s a lot of things….I just got demoted, I used to work in the computer section of our parent company, ‘Tifamart’, and I love computers, but they sent me down to here to sell underwear…and wouldn’t even tell me why”

“That’s horrible” Hannah said with genuine affection “Go on”

“Then down here all I get all day is women buying sexy underwear to wear for their boyfriends and their husbands, and they’re are always asking me questions like ‘Do you think my husband would like me in this g-string better or this teddy better?’, and I’m like ‘I don’t know, how do I know what your husband likes’…..and the thing is….it just makes me so depressed….especially when I see a happy couple like you two….because I love someone…my girlfriend….but I don’t think she loves me anymore”

“Oh my god why do you think that?” Hannah asked

“We’re not actually a couple, we’re just friends…I have a girlfriend though….its just not her” I added, which actually didn’t help anyone

“Its just that….I don’t know….she’s not affectionate anymore…..we don’t hug anymore, we don’t kiss anymore…..we live together, so we see each other every day…..but we haven’t actually been together for months”

“You mean you haven’t had sex?” Hannah asked, I thought quite nosily, but he didn’t seem to mind, he seemed quite happy for the opportunity to talk about this stuff in fact, I could think of better people than two strangers buying underpants to talk about my relationship issues with, but I did honestly feel bad for him, I know what its like to feel un-loved, and its not a good thing

“Oh no, sex hasn’t been an issue for at least two years…I don’t even bother suggesting it anymore….Ellie actually told me once…that I was too….that I was too…..that I was too fat to have sex with anymore” He struggled to get out without falling into a huge mountain of crying

“Ellie! What a coincidence” I optimistically thought to myself

“So what do you think she wants?” Hannah asked

“I think she wants to break up with me…..I just don’t think she knows how, and I love her way too much to make it easy for her….its just getting so hard now……I just want things to be the way they used to be….we were happy…she loved me too….I want that again”

“That just might not be possible” Hannah said

“I know…I know….I can’t let go…not yet….just not yet” He said before suddenly wiping away some more tears, then giving himself a shake “Ok ok….that’s enough….I don’t need to bother you two with this anymore….I mean thanks for listening, but it’s my problem…I’ll deal with it, I don’t need to bother customers”

“You have been no bother….honestly, I’m glad you told us…I just wish we could help more” Hannah responded

“No no…you have helped honestly….I haven’t talked to anyone else about this…..I just couldn’t, but….I don’t know…..I just needed to....and you have such a friendly face”

“Well thanks…..listen here’s my number ok” Hannah said as she grabbed a business card off the table and began to write down her number “you call me anytime you want to chat…seriously….I know it’s good to have a stranger to talk to sometimes”

“Well thankyou” he looked at the number and read her name “Hannah….I’m Brad by the way” he reached out and shook her hand

“Nice to meet you Brad….we’ll leave you to it ok…call me promise, ok?”

“Ok….really nice to meet you too” He said

“That’s a fucking huge coincidence, isn’t it, that his name was Brad and his girlfriends name was Ellie, and they were having troubles, just like my Ellie and her boyfriend Brad, what are the odds on that, two couples in this area, with the same names, and the same issues, quite ironic actually, is that irony? What is irony anyway, that’s more like when you go to the doctor to complain that you might have a brain tumor, and he does some radioactive scans on your skull, which show that you in fact have no tumor, but then the radioactivity of the machine gives you a brain tumor. Or is that just bad luck? JayJay Domey kind of luck. What is it with bad luck anyway? Do some people actually have bad luck, and others actually have good luck, and it will always just be like that forever? Or is it like tossing a coin, there is a fifty percent chance that it will land on heads, and a fifty percent chance it will land on tails, and that’s always the case, on average every second one will be a head and every second one will be a tail, but if you throw the coin a few billion times there will still be times when the head comes fifty or a hundred times in a row, its unlikely, but over enough throws it will happen. So is luck just like that? People with bad luck are just the one in six billion people alive who just happened to have picked tails at a time where heads are running. Even though he has got it wrong fifty times in a row, statistically he still has a fifty percent chance that the next throw will be a tail. That’s quite a comforting thought actually. I know I have received heads most of the time in my life, but I have hit some great tails. Like meeting Hannah of course, someone who has pre-set bad luck couldn’t possibly have meet such a great girl, and had her be so willing to let him see her naked like she has at certain times, and even better let him be her friend for so long. Or like Ellie. How lucky am I to have found her. The one girl who I fell in love with, not just lust with, on the first time I saw her, and she is the first girl ever to feel that way about me too. That’s not luck. That’s fate, that’s divine intervention, that’s someone planning out in advance. I mean Ellie isn’t perfect; there is that whole Brad thing of course. I can’t believe there are actually two Ellie and Brad’s in this area out there, that’s an enormous coincidence. It is different though. Ellie’s Brad is a real asshole, she is always telling me, where as that other Ellie, the one with Brad in that shop, well that Brad didn’t seem like an asshole, a bit fat maybe, a bit girly maybe, not like physically, but like the way he cried in front of us. But then again if it was me, I wouldn’t have the guts to talk to strangers. I’d crawl into a hole and scrunch up into a ball, and cry my eyes out alone. Maybe it is manlier to have the guts to tell someone you’re sad, and scared, and lonely, than to just hide it all away. Real coincidence though, those names being the same, as you know my Ellie and her boyfriend. That Brad couldn’t possibly be her Brad, could he? Surely not. But what are the odds of there being two. I hope that’s not him, I don’t want to be doing this to him. I don’t want to not be seeing Ellie either though. Why does everything bad happen to me? Why do I have all the bad luck? What’s the deal with bad luck anyway? Are some people just born with it?” I thought to myself as we walked out

“I know what you’re thinking” Hannah said to me as we approached the train station

“Yeah” I replied

“And you’re going to do something about it aren’t you?”

“Yeah”

“Ellie Belly?” I said to Ellie the next time she came around, two nights later

“What Hooray for JayJay” She replied (she had started calling me ‘Hooray for JayJay’ recently, in retaliation for the whole Ellie Belly thing, we both complained, but I think we both secretly loved it)

“Remember earlier tonight…when you walked in the room and dropped straight to your knees, and then undid my belt and then pulled down my jeans, and then pulled down my underpants, and then did that lovely, well you know?”

“Yeah of course I remember…do you want me to do it again?”

“Well no….well yeah, but that’s not why I brought it up”

“Then why?”

“Well you know when you pulled down my jeans? (She nodded), and remember when you were giving me my loving? (she nodded again), well remember the bit in between, you know, did you notice anything different?”

“Oh yeah…your new boxer briefs….they are so sexy…I was going to say something before….but seeing you in them just made me want to get to what was under them as quick as possible”

I smiled “Thanks…yeah I went underwear shopping… I got a whole pile”

“That’s great! I mean I wasn’t going to say anything, but your old ones were seriously gross” she confessed

“I know…that’s what Hannah told me”

“And when was Hannah in your pants” She said with a glare

“No no no no…she just saw them on the ground” I said suddenly scared

“Ha ha ha ha…I know JayJay…besides you can sleep with whoever you want to”

“Ok (‘what the fuck?’) Well anyway….the reason I brought it up……the thing is right”

“Yes”

“Well the thing is I went shopping for underwear two days ago…..and …well … um….well we…me and Hannah that is…..we went to ‘Big Brothers Smalls’ to by them”

The look on Ellie’s face right now, like a star trek nerd seeing a real live alien ship and discovering right away that they were not in fact searching for new frontiers, but were looking for anus’s to examine, just complete shock, confirmed for me what I was really trying to find out, but I continued still “and we met this sales assistant there, a male one”

“Oh my god…what did you tell him?”

“Nothing….I promise nothing….only thing is, he told us some stuff”

This was to be the start of what soon turned out to be lots of major arguments between me and Ellie. I had made a decision now, I loved Ellie, I wanted her in my life, I wanted all of her though, I couldn’t let it continue as an affair. I wanted us to be in a real relationship. Ellie had different ideas though. She said she loved me too, she agreed that a relationship between us would be great. She just couldn’t bring herself to go through the pain of breaking up with Brad.

We began to argue about this issue every time we saw each other. It was awful. I hated arguing with her. I never wanted to make her feel bad. I wanted to make her feel like a princess on her sweet sixteenth birthday. I wanted her happiest moment of the day to be the first moment of the day she saw me. I just didn’t want to be so cruel, like a kid with a magnifying glass on a sunny day at an ant hill, to a guy like Brad, for me to have her in my life. I would have hated to be in his shoes. I could think of nothing worse in the entire world.

Yet it was this massive catch 22, which is a stupid name for something to be. What the hell does catch 22 mean? Why 22? Why not catch 3245? And while I think about it, how on earth can something be a rule of thumb? What the hell has thumbs got to do with rules, it’s just stupid? Why not rule of index finger? Why not rule of pinky toe? Why does it have to be a body part at all? And what’s the deal with ‘Curiosity killed the cat?’ Why do so many clichés have to involve the vicious killings of cute helpless pets? Sorry, just these sayings are so stupid most of the time.

Anyway, the big catch 54786 was that I didn’t want to have Ellie if it meant cheating on anyone, but I loved Ellie and couldn’t bring myself to end it. Where as Ellie loved me and wanted me in her life, but just as long as that didn’t mean she had to break the heart of her former lover, whom she still loved, just as a friend. Maybe that’s what irony is? Or is it all that bad luck stuff from that Alanis Morrisette song, you know ‘Ironic’, she said all that stuff was ironic, ‘like having lots of knives when you just need a fork’ or something, I don’t know just too confusing.

So this was a massive problem for us. We fought about it lots. We started to end our evenings together, not having desperate problems ending an embrace, not trying to sneak in just one more kiss before she ‘really, really, really have to go’, but sometimes just regretting that we saw each other at all. When we first started seeing each other she wouldn’t be over more than two minutes before we would be in the act of spreading some love around. Now she would come and stay for three hours and we might not even get into sex or even cuddling, we would just argue.

Then I would start to resent Brad again, for putting this rift between us. And I’d let up on her for a while and things would be good again. Which would make me feel guilt towards Brad again, and we would fight again. It was a vicious cycle. Thing is I know I was being hard on Ellie. I couldn’t fathom being in her situation, it would be six years away before it was even possible for me to feel the same. Ellie was easily my longest relationship, and we weren’t even officially in a relationship, I was just her affair from her long time love. Thing is, I know she felt the guilt too. I know she still loved Brad in her way, I know she loved me too; she was consumed by her guilt. She didn’t need me reminding her all the time.

But then I would get the guilt trips from Hannah too. She now knew them both, she knew how Ellie felt about me, but she cared for Brads feelings, and she would pressure me to make Ellie end it officially. It put strains on my friendship with Hannah aswell. Soon enough none of the people in my life were really ever happy about me, even though they clearly still cared for me deeply.

After a while the solution to all the argument and all the strain ended up being that Ellie and I gradually started seeing less and less of each other. From four nights a week, to two nights a weeks, to once a fortnight, to once every three weeks. I hung on, because I loved her, but I could feel that we were dying. I didn’t want us to die, but there was nothing else I could do.

Then Ellie did something which changed my life forever.

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 29

CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

“Never let your fears stop you from pursuing your goals;

You’ll never achieve anything until you learn to never give up!”

“Where have you been?” Ellie asked in a frustrated tone as soon as she spotted me

“Just up at the shops…have you been waiting long” I replied

“Well yeah….but it’s not your fault…that’s what I get for coming over unannounced”

“I’m sorry anyway”

“Thanks….thing is though; I wanted to surprise you with a present”

“Really, you got me a present…..you didn’t have to do that”

“I know….well its sort of a present for both of us” She pulled out of her bag a cubed shaped present wrapped in lilac tissue paper with a turquoise ribbon around it. I’d never in my life received a present so nicely wrapped

“Can I open it?”

“Can we go inside first? That’s if you’re free for us to hang out for a little while?” she asked

“Ok let’s go inside” I said as I opened up the door and let her in before me “I’ve got no plans for the afternoon, so I’d love to hang out”

We sat down on the couch together, and Ellie began to rub my knee

“Ok now open it”

I undid the paper, softly so not to ruin such a nice wrapping job, and inside found a blue box wrapped in clear cellophane, with a logo on it which was strangely familiar. I turned the box around and read the front and it said ‘Tiger Condoms’ – put the bite back in your sex life”.

“It’s a twenty four pack” Ellie said “So we should be good for few days without having the same problem as last night” she said with a smile

“Holy shit” I thought as my jaw rested on top of the box in a state of disbelief

“Do you want to try one out right now?” Ellie asked as she slid in slightly closer to me so that she was now starting to cuddle me from the side

“Ahhhh…..ummmm….well….yes….of course” I mumbled

“Holy shit” I thought

Then Ellie began to kiss me on the neck, while I sat dumbfounded for a few more seconds. Until she started to kiss me on my mouth and I started to get into it. Even after the less than successful attempt at making love with Ellie the night before I was for some reason not really nervous at all this time. I lost myself in the moment, and just tried to concentrate on making sure I could make Ellie enjoy it as much as possible. Fortunately Ellie had no problems taking the lead and telling me what to do.

We started out kissing each other all over as we removed each others clothes one piece at a time, and then gave whatever new bit of skin that was exposed lots of attention with our lips and tongues. Then Ellie told me to sit back and enjoy. I wasn’t sure exactly what she had in mind until she began to kiss me down my stomach and then below my stomach. “Oh my god… Oral sex for me?”

Oral sex isn’t too bad a thing really. It’s amazing that someone like me who is so self-conscience that I couldn’t even consider going to the toilet in a urinal in case another guy walked into the bathroom, could then be more than happy to have a girl who made me scared just to be around, because I was so crazy about her, have my penis in her mouth. I didn’t get self conscience at all. I resisted my inclinations to lie there while she was doing this completely panicking about the thought that while she was doing this that she was thinking to herself “Jesus Christ this is a small ugly one”, in fact it only crossed my mind five or six times in the thirty seconds she was down there before I was done.

I also resisted the temptation to argue with myself over whether to tell her or not that an orgasm was imminent, and therefore talk myself out of an orgasm. I decided to just let it happen naturally, and deal with the consequences later, if there were to be any. I think Ellie was probably a little surprised when I exploded twenty two years of sexual frustration into her mouth thirty seconds after she started sucking on it. She did have some trouble swallowing the whole lot. Her cheeks filled up like she was trying to blow up a balloon, and then she made one of those big all body, face contorting loud swallows. However after she had swallowed it all down, then scooped in the bit which had trickled down her chin, and eaten that too, all she said was “You taste so good JayJay”. I didn’t really believe her, but I thought it was sweet anyway. Then she said “I’m not going to have to eat steak for a month”, which made absolutely no sense to me, but then the fact she was sitting naked in front of me, with a pile of my sexual reproductive fluid in her stomach made about as much sense to me as giving a blind man tickets to a silent movie.

After that Ellie asked if I would now “do her”, which I believe I correctly took to mean giving her oral sex. I kissed my way back down there and licked away again like I was licking up maple syrup after a plate of delicious pancakes, and Ellie again guided me with comments like “Right there” and “Yes, yes, yes” which I quite enjoyed. And she again tried to crush my head and then thank me three or four times, which I took to mean she had quite enjoyed the experience.

Then we actually made love. Having already organsmed from the oral sex I was quite relaxed going into actual intercourse. We started with Ellie on top of me, until I started to arch my back, and she started to bang her head on the roof. So we switched to me in control. At first it was very awkward, but I soon found a good rhythm and was keeping it up for ages. Then Ellie started to moan more and more, and this got me more and more turned on, then I would pump away harder and harder, and she would moan even more, which would turn me on more and more, so I would pump even harder, like I was trying to hammer in a ten foot nail as quickly as possible, and she started to say things like “Yes, yes, yes” and “Keep going”, and “Yes hard just like that” and it got me so turned on that I exploded right inside one of the condoms she had so very kindly brought around for me, right about the same time as she now tried to crush my pelvic bone between her thighs, and we both collapsed into a big sweaty hug.

Ellie said about four or five times in a row “that was so good JayJay”, and I felt about the happiest I had ever felt in my life. My first real proper sexual experience and I had performed admirably despite my nerves, and had satisfied my lady friend with aplomb. I felt proud, and manly, and just plain good and warm inside.

In fact there was really only one thing that I got wrong all evening. Ellie excused herself to go to the bathroom at one point, and I decided to take the opportunity to work at something in my nose which had been bothering me for a little while. I stuck my finger up there to nearly the knuckle, and pulled out a booga about the size of a goldfish. Only thing was just as I was feeling the relief from freeing that from my nasal cavity, Ellie suddenly started to open the door. Trying to think fast I searched all around for a place to wipe it, but found nothing, then in a panic, just as she was closing the door behind her I quickly jammed it back inside my nostril, where it again sat uncomfortably for another thirty minutes while we cuddled. Although I’m not quite sure why I decided to tell you that.

After those thirty minutes had blissfully passed, the worst moment of the night came, just as I was drifting off to sleep in complete merriment, Ellie turned to me and said “Sorry I have to go now, Brad will be home soon”. “Don’t fucking say that” I thought, “don’t say that” I said. However despite my heartfelt pleas for her not to leave and spend the whole night with me, up she did get, and leave she did. I’d never spent a whole night in bed with a girl before, and it had always felt normal. That night however the other side of the bed felt completely empty. The only thing that could console me was the knowledge of what had taken place right there only hours earlier and the promise Ellie had made on departure that “We have to do this again real soon”.

Real soon turned out to be the next night. Hooray for me! Ellie showed up at around five thirty still wearing her ‘Friendly Furniture’ outfit. Only not for long, she practically stripped naked before we had said hello. And within two minutes of her arrival we were going at it like two panda bears trying to save their species. We never even made it to the bed, just did it on the couch, and again I must say, I did quite a good effort of achieving satisfaction for my partner, at least that’s the impression I got.

“Sorry…..I just couldn’t get you out of my mind today” Ellie said through deep breath as we lay uncomfortably but happily having completed our sexy time.

“You never have to say sorry to me for allowing me to do that with you” I replied

“Are you sure you don’t mind….I mean last night was so good…I just had to have more”

“Of course I don’t mind…..was I really good?”

“Are you kidding…you’re the best JayJay….do you know how long it’s been since I had really good sex?”

“No….but I know what that feels like”

“Really…have you had some droughts too?”

“Oh yeah”

“What’s the worst you have had….six months?” she optimistically asked

“Something like that” I lied

“Oh ok…well you’re not going to have any droughts anytime soon…..I mean hopefully we can do this regularly”

“Really….well you know I want to…I’m here anytime you want me”

And so started the first ever period of my life where sex was listed on my list of regularly performed past times. Ellie Belly (as she hated me calling her) would come over three or four nights a week, whenever Brad was working late, and we would make love, and other stuff too, talk and cuddle, and watch movies, then when the clock hit closing time for Brads shop, Ellie would disappear from my arms, always leaving me grasping for more and guaranteeing we would both be yearning for each other all day until we could next be in each others presence. In actual fact, I think you could probably even say that I had a sex life. Wow I actually could say I had a sex life. If someone was to ask me one day

“So JayJay old chap, how goes thy sex life in these recent times?”

“Overly splendid as a matter of fact” I could reply

“That’s delightful news young master Domey” They’re bound to exclaim

“Yes it most certainly is good sir, in fact one could proclaim that I have in fact been getting thy rocks off on quite a remarkably regular interval of time” I would be forced to reply

“That’s marvelous, three cheers for JayJay, Hooray, Hooray, Hooray, now sir, I believe such fantastic news is worthy of a celebratory scone” They’re likely to respond

“How delicious! You must be sure to thank your mother for cooking such an enticing and wonderful snack for us here to celebrate my most satisfactory life of sex” I could say.

Times were good. I began my new job for EMK soon after this, and settled in remarkably well. The rest of the staff were really friendly to me, and the work was so much fun and so easy, it seemed so unlikely that I could be paid to do it. The most satisfying part of all though was the first time I turned on the cartoon channel and got to watch a cartoon which I had done some of the drawings for, and then seeing my name on the credits at the end as one of the animators. I have watched television my whole life and I don’t think I had ever read the credits before, and it made me feel really good to think of the many other people over the years who had gotten to see all their hard work come together in the sole purpose of entertaining people, and then see their names up on the screen as an extra bonus reward.

Working on TV may not be quite as important a job as say a doctor, or an army general, or a toilet scrubber, but I think it’s quite an honorable job. What do you do for a living? I entertain people, I put smiles on people’s faces, and I make people happy. And who couldn’t do with just a little bit of extra happiness in their lives. If there is in fact anyone in the world who couldn’t squeeze in just a little bit more, then I hope they die a horrible painful death, so they can feel like I had to most of my life.

With work taking up lots of my time, and then school after work a couple of nights a week, Ellie coming over three or four nights a week, and then hanging out with Hannah in basically all the other free time I had, I was suddenly very busy. Busyness is a remarkable antidote to negative self talk. I really didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself anymore. It barely even crossed my mind to dedicate a considerable period of time to just reminding myself of all the embarrassing things I have done over the course of my often unremarkable life.

I had found contentment. Contentment is great, I recommend it to anyone. Of course I hope you people out there aren’t thinking that this is where my story ends. I think you should know me better than that by now. You know contentment could never be a reliable state for me. There are always going to be ups and downs in life, like an airport, sure most planes go up no worries, most also come down no worries, but sometimes they just blow up in an enormous ball of flame, and leave behind hundreds of charcoaled bodies, which rescue workers then have to peel off the seats they were melted onto from the combination of sizzling flesh and melting fake leather seats. Life is a roller coaster baby, you just have to ride it, and I had been going up a steep hill for quite a while, it was time for the inevitable stomach emptying fall.

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 28

CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

“Always be prepared for great things to happen;

Sometimes dreams do come true!”

By the morning I was convinced of two things. Ellie would probably never want to talk to me again, and if I had only kept condoms in the house then we would have had sex, and she wouldn’t even have asked me the time, so it was definitely all my fault. So I decided that even though it would be as embarrassing as confessing to an old lady on a bus that she was prettier than the prettiest girl I had ever slept with, and even though it would probably be a long time before the chance came up again, I needed to have condoms in the house, just in case, no matter how unlikely.

So that morning I went to the pharmacist down the road. I figured morning time would probably be the best time to go, less people around. I walked in and started to walk around the racks, until I finally spotted the condom rack, above a section of men’s deodorant, and next to a range of pregnancy tests.

I looked across to see who was working behind the counter. It was an elderly Asian woman, “perfect” I thought. The last thing I wanted was to be served by a guy of any age, or any woman who I would be attracted to in anyway. I began to look over the rack, and was astonished by the choices. Colored ones, flavoured ones, different sizes, extra sensitive, ribbed, rough rider, “Which bloody ones do you get?” I didn’t know. I didn’t want to embarrass myself by getting the wrong ones, how would that look if a girl asked me to pull on a condom, and I pulled on a blue one, and she had some real dislike for blue.

Suddenly someone came up from behind me

“Can I help you with anything sir?” a female voice asked

I spun around, and standing before me was a pretty girl about nineteen years old, with long straight brown hair, and braces on her teeth. I recognized her, but I couldn’t tell from where. Until it suddenly dawned on me that I had actually followed her home once, back in my peeping tom days.

“Um…um….um…yeah…no, I’m ok….I was just having a look” I replied

“Do you need any help with choosing any of these?” She said as she waved her hand over the rack of condoms.

“Fucking hell, you were a school girl a year ago, I followed you home and you lived with your parents, so I cut you from my list, and now you want to help me choose condoms, this isn’t right” I thought

“Um…um…no, well thing is…I wasn’t looking there….I actually need deodorant….which is the best one if you sweat lots” I said

“Very swarve you moron” I thought

“Oh ok, I thought you were looking up here…do you want a spray or a roll on?”

“Spray please”

“Ok well this one will provide you with the longest lasting protection from perspiration”

“Oh…ok, thanks….I’ll take that then”

I followed her over to the counter and caught my reflection in a mirror above a rack of reading glasses for sale. I was as red as the pack of ribbed condoms that were for sale “Red hot for red hot summer nights” it said on the pack. When I looked up from the mirror I caught this girl, and the Asian woman exchange glances which suggested that they knew all about what my actual intentions were when I came in. I purchased the deodorant barely looking up as the girl smiled all through taking my money and bagging my item, and I walked out feeling humiliated and defeated.

I went home, and put the deodorant in the bathroom. “Deodorant! How’s that going to fucking help you get laid?” I mumbled to myself. I knew that it couldn’t end like this. My mission for the day was to buy condoms, and condoms I was going to buy.

So I went to the seven eleven and bought a coke and nothing else, because right as the sales man asked me if I wanted “Anything else with that?” and right as I was about to say “Yes a pack of those” and point to the small rack of condoms they had on the counter, a women came in holding a baby. So instead I said “Yeah…um…no….just coke please” and ran from the store way more embarrassed than you should be after buying a coke.

Then I went to the supermarket and walked up the toiletries isle fifteen times, sometimes finding it empty long enough to study the cough lozenges which were stored below the condoms, but never long enough to get a pack in my hand basket, before finally giving up and buying a loaf of bread.

Then I went into the other pharmacist and found myself buying a packet of Band-Aids, after another women came up to me and asked if I needed help right at the time I was looking at the condoms. Don’t these people know how goddamn embarrassing it is to purchase those things, why can’t you just leave us alone when we’re looking? Why do they have to make it so hard? It’s no wonder fifty percent of girls these days get pregnant at an age where I hadn’t even talked to a girl, none of the boys they like are ever going to have the guts to buy those things.

After that I was forced down to my last option in my whole neighborhood - the gas station. I went in and spent a good five minutes looking at the magazines, while the thirty year old greasy shop assistant gave me looks as greasy as his hands for reading and not buying, which made me decide that I better buy one, so I picked out a FHM magazine, and held it for a moment before changing my mind. I didn’t want to buy a male perve magazine while buying condoms, people could get the wrong idea. So I put it back and grabbed a Time magazine, “Yeah right, as if I’ll ever read this” I thought to myself as I put in under my arm.

Then I looked through the chocolate rack, before grabbing a Snickers bar as customers came and went. Then jackpot, the shop was empty, and the shop assistant had his back turned refilling the cigarette stand. So I idled over to the condom section and quickly snatched the most normal looking pack of condoms I could see, and moved quickly over to the fridge to grab another coke.

Then with several items in hand, and my heart racing, I made my way towards the counter. Then just as I realized I was going to pull this off disaster struck! Suddenly two girls came in, absolute hotties. Just as pretty as you could imagine. I couldn’t possibly buy condoms with those two in the shop. So I quickly stashed my pack in amongst the potato chips, with no thought what so ever to the poor mum who will have to explain what they are to their kid when they’re eventually discovered there, then bought my coke, Snickers bar and Time magazine, and walked out a shattered broken man.

My mission of the day failed. No wonder I could never get sex, I couldn’t even talk myself into buying condoms, how was I supposed to talk a girl into letting me into her pants.

I escaped into the sanctuary of the toilet cubicle, washed my face, and had a good hard long look at the disgrace of a person I was. Then like an angel from god appearing before me in the desert to offer me water and guidance, I saw a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, just over my shoulder in the mirror, one of the greatest inventions of the twentieth century, a condom machine!

I turned around and searched my pockets for change, and then inserted the required two dollars into the machine, and turned the knob, and nothing came out. “What the fuck” I thought. I put in another two dollars and turned the knob again, and again nothing came out. “This is a bloody joke, where are my condoms, you fucking machine!” I punched the machine as hard as I could, then again. Then like an animal which does golden droppings, two latex miracle deniers suddenly plopped out onto the tray. I had my condoms, I had achieved my goal. And the best thing, I looked at the expiry date, I had nearly two years to use them, “There is an outside chance I’ll get laid in the next two years” I very optimistically thought to myself as I whistled all the way home. Turns out though I wasn’t going to have to wait for two years, there was actually someone waiting for me at my front door when I got home. It was Ellie!