CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
“Always be prepared for great things to happen;
Sometimes dreams do come true!”
By the morning I was convinced of two things. Ellie would probably never want to talk to me again, and if I had only kept condoms in the house then we would have had sex, and she wouldn’t even have asked me the time, so it was definitely all my fault. So I decided that even though it would be as embarrassing as confessing to an old lady on a bus that she was prettier than the prettiest girl I had ever slept with, and even though it would probably be a long time before the chance came up again, I needed to have condoms in the house, just in case, no matter how unlikely.
So that morning I went to the pharmacist down the road. I figured morning time would probably be the best time to go, less people around. I walked in and started to walk around the racks, until I finally spotted the condom rack, above a section of men’s deodorant, and next to a range of pregnancy tests.
I looked across to see who was working behind the counter. It was an elderly Asian woman, “perfect” I thought. The last thing I wanted was to be served by a guy of any age, or any woman who I would be attracted to in anyway. I began to look over the rack, and was astonished by the choices. Colored ones, flavoured ones, different sizes, extra sensitive, ribbed, rough rider, “Which bloody ones do you get?” I didn’t know. I didn’t want to embarrass myself by getting the wrong ones, how would that look if a girl asked me to pull on a condom, and I pulled on a blue one, and she had some real dislike for blue.
Suddenly someone came up from behind me
“Can I help you with anything sir?” a female voice asked
I spun around, and standing before me was a pretty girl about nineteen years old, with long straight brown hair, and braces on her teeth. I recognized her, but I couldn’t tell from where. Until it suddenly dawned on me that I had actually followed her home once, back in my peeping tom days.
“Um…um….um…yeah…no, I’m ok….I was just having a look” I replied
“Do you need any help with choosing any of these?” She said as she waved her hand over the rack of condoms.
“Fucking hell, you were a school girl a year ago, I followed you home and you lived with your parents, so I cut you from my list, and now you want to help me choose condoms, this isn’t right” I thought
“Um…um…no, well thing is…I wasn’t looking there….I actually need deodorant….which is the best one if you sweat lots” I said
“Very swarve you moron” I thought
“Oh ok, I thought you were looking up here…do you want a spray or a roll on?”
“Spray please”
“Ok well this one will provide you with the longest lasting protection from perspiration”
“Oh…ok, thanks….I’ll take that then”
I followed her over to the counter and caught my reflection in a mirror above a rack of reading glasses for sale. I was as red as the pack of ribbed condoms that were for sale “Red hot for red hot summer nights” it said on the pack. When I looked up from the mirror I caught this girl, and the Asian woman exchange glances which suggested that they knew all about what my actual intentions were when I came in. I purchased the deodorant barely looking up as the girl smiled all through taking my money and bagging my item, and I walked out feeling humiliated and defeated.
I went home, and put the deodorant in the bathroom. “Deodorant! How’s that going to fucking help you get laid?” I mumbled to myself. I knew that it couldn’t end like this. My mission for the day was to buy condoms, and condoms I was going to buy.
So I went to the seven eleven and bought a coke and nothing else, because right as the sales man asked me if I wanted “Anything else with that?” and right as I was about to say “Yes a pack of those” and point to the small rack of condoms they had on the counter, a women came in holding a baby. So instead I said “Yeah…um…no….just coke please” and ran from the store way more embarrassed than you should be after buying a coke.
Then I went to the supermarket and walked up the toiletries isle fifteen times, sometimes finding it empty long enough to study the cough lozenges which were stored below the condoms, but never long enough to get a pack in my hand basket, before finally giving up and buying a loaf of bread.
Then I went into the other pharmacist and found myself buying a packet of Band-Aids, after another women came up to me and asked if I needed help right at the time I was looking at the condoms. Don’t these people know how goddamn embarrassing it is to purchase those things, why can’t you just leave us alone when we’re looking? Why do they have to make it so hard? It’s no wonder fifty percent of girls these days get pregnant at an age where I hadn’t even talked to a girl, none of the boys they like are ever going to have the guts to buy those things.
After that I was forced down to my last option in my whole neighborhood - the gas station. I went in and spent a good five minutes looking at the magazines, while the thirty year old greasy shop assistant gave me looks as greasy as his hands for reading and not buying, which made me decide that I better buy one, so I picked out a FHM magazine, and held it for a moment before changing my mind. I didn’t want to buy a male perve magazine while buying condoms, people could get the wrong idea. So I put it back and grabbed a Time magazine, “Yeah right, as if I’ll ever read this” I thought to myself as I put in under my arm.
Then I looked through the chocolate rack, before grabbing a Snickers bar as customers came and went. Then jackpot, the shop was empty, and the shop assistant had his back turned refilling the cigarette stand. So I idled over to the condom section and quickly snatched the most normal looking pack of condoms I could see, and moved quickly over to the fridge to grab another coke.
Then with several items in hand, and my heart racing, I made my way towards the counter. Then just as I realized I was going to pull this off disaster struck! Suddenly two girls came in, absolute hotties. Just as pretty as you could imagine. I couldn’t possibly buy condoms with those two in the shop. So I quickly stashed my pack in amongst the potato chips, with no thought what so ever to the poor mum who will have to explain what they are to their kid when they’re eventually discovered there, then bought my coke, Snickers bar and Time magazine, and walked out a shattered broken man.
My mission of the day failed. No wonder I could never get sex, I couldn’t even talk myself into buying condoms, how was I supposed to talk a girl into letting me into her pants.
I escaped into the sanctuary of the toilet cubicle, washed my face, and had a good hard long look at the disgrace of a person I was. Then like an angel from god appearing before me in the desert to offer me water and guidance, I saw a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, just over my shoulder in the mirror, one of the greatest inventions of the twentieth century, a condom machine!
I turned around and searched my pockets for change, and then inserted the required two dollars into the machine, and turned the knob, and nothing came out. “What the fuck” I thought. I put in another two dollars and turned the knob again, and again nothing came out. “This is a bloody joke, where are my condoms, you fucking machine!” I punched the machine as hard as I could, then again. Then like an animal which does golden droppings, two latex miracle deniers suddenly plopped out onto the tray. I had my condoms, I had achieved my goal. And the best thing, I looked at the expiry date, I had nearly two years to use them, “There is an outside chance I’ll get laid in the next two years” I very optimistically thought to myself as I whistled all the way home. Turns out though I wasn’t going to have to wait for two years, there was actually someone waiting for me at my front door when I got home. It was Ellie!
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