The Best Day of My Life Initiative – Eleven lonely lepers

Ok, right off the bat I need to talk about the title for this blog. I wrote the number eleven, because this is the eleventh edition of this new blog initiative of mine, which is about living every day as if it’s the best of my life, or at least looking over the past day of my life and thinking about it as if it was the best day of my life, so that I can go to sleep content, and happy, and with a cheerful song in my dreamland forecasts.

Although in reality I often get to this point in the evening and think ‘it shouldn’t be just about thinking back over my day and remembering a negative thing, but choosing now to focus on a positive thought process for it, but rather about during the day focusing on making it the best day of my life, with active in the moment reevaluation, for things like ‘this is hard work, but rather than complain or wish for it to end as soon as possible, I choose in this moment to see the positives, the fact that hard work will make me grow, develop, and evolve even, at least in whatever field the work I am doing is in, and to see any watching for the in the moment benefits and joyful angles.

For nothing is ever completely negative, nor is anything completely positive. Even the dropping of bombs on a village of innocent bystanders created a job for a previously hard on his luck bomb builder, and even winning the whole god damn championship with your indoor squash tournament team requires you to listen to a Queen song you may or may not be in the mood for.

I believe it was Confucius who invented that theory after seeing his brother Yin Yang Confucius, hook up with a butter face, which is a derogatory term I do not care for, because butter is delicious, and makes anything better, so a ‘butter face’ should insinuate deliciousness please, and Confucius upon witnessing this hook up heard ‘We will Rock you’ come on the loud speaker, when to his utter dismay, the drum beat got stuck in his head, and he accidently wrote his next three musings in unnecessary iambic pentameter, which were then heard by William Shakespeare who thought ‘wow, if I remove the line ‘Juliet is considered a butter face’ this play might finally make people identify with Juliet a tad more’.

Which brings me to my point – I want to talk about the title for this post right away, without any dillying nor dallying, two things which I have no idea what mean, where they come from, what context were they first coined, whether or not they have alternative meanings - and equally I do not currently feel like pursuing the game ‘I want to do this right away – so I will delay getting there on purpose for comedic possibilities’.

So I wrote the word ‘eleven’ and then I reached for my late night diet soda (caffeine free, because I am healthy).

Also it just occurred to me that I am making this nightly job seem chorey, as I worry too much about it being ‘good’ – it’s not about that Dave, it’s about positivity and having a little free reined silly stream of consciousness outpour of positivity for fucks sake. Maybe I will go back and add in some silliness, nah fuck that.

Oh by the way ‘musing’ was a word coined by Confucius after he got a lame cliché tattoo of like a circle with a black side with a white dot, and then a white side with a black dot and he thought – ‘damn I better come up with some sort of profound meaning for this tattoo or else I’ll end up having to get it covered with a giant tattoo of a game of ping pong’.

Fucking hell – ok, I wrote eleven – then I picked up my late night diet soda (caffeine free because I am healthy, and want to sleep at some point) – then the next word that came into my mouth, via way of my brain, with a quick inspiration session with my tongue was the word ‘lonely’ – after which I thought ‘throw another ‘L’ word in there and ahoy alliteration. And the first L word I thought of was ‘Leper’.

So there you go – that’s where that came from – I don’t actually want to write about lepers, my day included only minor contact with them, and frankly I don’t find them to be that interesting in the long run – although their arm wrestling contests can be good for a laugh. Zing – nah it’s a horrible, tragic disease.

I just read over this getting ready to post – but then I realized I never got around to writing about my actual day – but on the other hand I did realize I wrote ‘whatever field the work I am’ etc and I wanted to throw in ‘oh shit, I didn’t mean an actual “field”, but like whatever job subsector I am in’ and then it occurred to me ‘oh fuck, that’s where that term came from - “what field do you work in”. People in ancient times must have worked in literal ‘fields’ – and now I am thinking that those people must have just stuck in one field their whole days, if not years, on a specific job – no wonder cows were forced to evolve from eating live swamp rats into eating grass – those lazy field workers never shifted across to feed them. Wait, no I didn’t make that up, that’s clearly another awesome Confucius musing.

The Best Day of My Life Initiative – The Clean Dozen Minus Two

Yes it’s true, I have absolutely no idea what the title I just gave this blog means, I was going to write ‘the dirty dozen minus two’ but then the whole cliché of the dirty dozen line bothered me, so I cleaned it up, so to speak, and only then did I remember that I really don’t need to use the term ‘dozen’ in this, it’s blog number ten damn it, and I made it clear to myself yesterday that I do not need to continue on with this sneaking (forcing) the number into the title, unless I feel like it.

The point is – today was the best day of my life initiative. Oh man, it really was a big day – I am busy, busy, busy these days, that’s three times busy, which is the same number of how many times that lady was a lady in that old song about how many times a lady was a lady. I assume the writer of that song was referring to something intimate, like how many orgasms she had during their recent love making stint, or many chunks her poop needed to be broken up into before getting the whole lot flushed down, but it is all irrelevant why she was a lady, the point was that she was three times that lady, and that’s a lovely thing to be.

I wrote a parody of that song many, many years ago – a good long decade before it ever occurred to me to attempt to write anything that I would like to show any other human beings. It was titled ‘three times a slut’ and it was about a girl who turned out to be quite a slut. I am not proud of this parody, not that I remember it at all, except of course the chorus – you’re once, twice, three times a slut… and IIIIIIIII hate you.

I think if I tried to write that song in this day and age I would probably be hounded down by the PC police, and even though I would never even dream of calling anyone anything that is potentially derogatory or hurtful, but at the time it was quite cathartic and written from deep in my heart – the girl I wrote it about you see, well I kinda liked her a little bit, but even though I never made a single move at her, or on her, or near her – I was quite upset when she chose a different male specimen over me, so I took it out on her with the well trodden teenage angst medium of parody song. That bit of information I just gave then would have been far more impactful had I not given it away earlier in the paragraph, but I don’t have time to go back and do rewrites on this one today.

The point is that you never know what horrible things people have written about you in secret journals, diaries and song lyric notebooks, so you may as well premeditatedly hate them for it. Now wait, maybe it’s that judge not he who throws rocks at glass houses, because how the fuck is that line in the bible? In all the things I have seen written, and spoken about the bible, no one ever mentions a drug addicts force cleaning your windscreen with dirty water in the hope that you’ll tip them, so clearly the bible was written pre-the invention of glass. Let alone glass fucking houses. Plus back then rocks were called ‘what the fuck are these things anyway, poop?’

Wait, not that’s not it –the point is that my day was really busy, possibly even once, twice, three times a busy. Chores, jobs, errands, projects, eating, work related stuff – oh fuck, that’s like eight times a busy!

Sadly I can’t possibly find the time to list all of the things I had on today in method profound and entertaining enough so that we’re all glad I did, so instead I will talk a little more about that girl I wrote the parody song about, here are some fun facts:

–      The dude she chose over/ instead/ nothing to do with me, instead of me, was a Mormon.

–      She was the first girl I ever had actual conversations with, and was sweet and understanding about my crippling fear, shyness and anxiety around her.

–      She was the first girl I ever hugged more than once, and I believe even gave me some instructions on how to do it right, which sounds like perhaps she was being condescending, but she wasn’t, at least from my interpretation of these actions, she was being sweet.

I think we have all come to the same conclusion right? Yep.

What a slut.

The Best Day Of My Life Initiative – men of manliness

 Hello everybody, and even everybody’s eyes, which I am told is the body part most people use to read this blog most of the times they read it, oh sure some people will tell you that the eyes are nothing without the brain to decipher all that light and color and that therefore the brain is the real hero, not the eyes. But here is what I have to say to that – my brain is the very same head based organ of mine most likely to conjure up images of things that remind me of the grass that I used to eat my lunch on at school on days where it was sunny enough to be outside, and also I had already read the newspapers in the library so I didn’t have that to do instead, and I felt like risking the mocking cries of the mocking birds which turned out not to be mocking birds mocking kookaburras, but rather just kookaburras, which when laugh are often warning their fellow birds that rain might be coming, making me feel irritated at myself for already reading all the papers, because now I won’t have anything to do if it rains, so fuck you mocking birds, and therefore fuck you my brain, I am not giving you this win – the eyes are the fucking heroes this time, ok? And if you don’t like it I’ll scratch the itchy part of my ear canal with a straightened out paper clip and accidentally scratch to deep again, ok? Motherfucker! You’re ass is mine. Oh and also hello to everybody’s bodies. Ha ha, that’s a fun play on words. I could have had fun riffing on that, had I not been sidetracked talking about the brain, my brain of course being the very thing that chose the sidetrack, fuck you brain, I am not kidding, I have a paperclip!

Also – today was the best day of my life initiative! And I will tell you why – because all day today I had two Band-Aids on my right hand’s middle finger, one bright blue, and one hot pink and both with pictures of kittens on them! And this fact allowed me to finally admit to myself that I am a real man.

Now I am not talking about being a real man in the sense that I reject traditional masculinity and therefore claim some false sense of grasp of some mythical true masculinity. That’s not what happened today, or ever in my life, at all. I chose these particular Band-Aids because blue and pink is a really pretty color combination, and kittens are the sweetest most adorable things in the world, and I don’t love these things ironically in the slightest, I love them because they make me go all cutey and giddy, and make me talk in fun little voices, and hug pillows and small stuffed animals, and frankly I don’t give a crap that these loves of mine make me less manly in the traditional sense, and therefore I deserve all the love and admiration that I pretend I get in my brain, for genuinely having that warm bulbous part of my heart engorged to the extent of being almost not human, super human you might say, and I am fine with you saying things like that about me, sure it makes me blush, and get shy and show obvious signs of modesty – but don’t let my humility and unpretentiousness hold you back – praise me, really it’s ok, I deserve it, so fuck me for not being willing to show pride, that’s my problem.

No, that is not where today’s manliness comes into the equation – today I am talking in the traditional sense – where a man does a man’s day of work and cops a man’s work style man injuries (or women) because these injuries happen at their man jobs. Yep, I did throw in those words (or women) specifically to try and seem like this paragraph has not even a hint of sexism, and I did that brilliantly. And yep, the reason I had to wear Band-Aids all day was from a work related injury. Yep, I was digging around in my backpack, looking for a writing related object, and stabbed myself in the finger with the end of a mechanical pacer pencil, and a good 1/6^th  or 1/8^th of an inch of pencil led got stuck under the skin.

Yep, they told me that attempting to make a life doing fruity arty stuff was not manly, which makes no sense, because I don’t even like fruit, but just like those hard ass men working on construction sites, and as lumberjacks, and deep within wood mining mines, and the guys who work in the woods carving tables and bookcases and sailing boats out of trees – I too have had a day pretty much ruined by the incomprehensible discomfort of a work related splinter. And now, like my fellow splinter suffering hard working men I will complain a little, pussy out of some jobs (or women) (wow that’s powerful using that device, you can make pretty much anything seem not sexist – wait I want to try it again to test this out – most men suffering with menstrual cramps, or swollen boobie related discomfort are regularly seen at the dog track (or women) and that’s ok. Wow, it’s flawless) and avoid all things that might possibly require the use of my right hand and its fingers, like physical labor, or holding my pee pee while I pee so the pee pee can be guided towards the pee pee hole without excessive missing, or even leaving the house, because the front door is made of wood, and who could risk a double splinter, not me – so I will wait until this splinter is gone. I am a man, oh yeah I am – a traditional man.

Oh and before you ask, yes, I have tried getting it out with tweezers, but it hurts too much and I give in to the pain before I get even close to getting it out, so yep it’s going to be at least one more day with this splinter for me – and my days of manliness shall therefore continue. 

The Best Day Of My Life Initiative – Eight stranded scoundrels

 Hello everybody, how are you? I am going to get straight damn down tooting into it tonight – get this - today was the best day of my life! And you know why? Because it wasn’t the best day of my life - Ooooohhhh, oxymoronical, that’s awesome.

You know, it’s kind of like if you get stabbed, or should I say when you get stabbed, wait, no the first one was more positive right?

When you get stabbed it hurts, I assume, but it comes with benefits too, like you get to see what your insides look like – pretty gross I assume, maybe so gross that you pass out, or maybe you’ve already passed out from the pain or loss of blood, the point is you have options, and those are a form of investment, sort of like a share, although I never really understood exactly what they were, and I have an economics degree and worked for stock brokers for years, which I think just goes to prove that if you get stabbed you can learn valuable lessons like that even those who appear to be experts sometimes don’t know as much as you’d think.

I was thinking about this very fact earlier today, that no one really ever knows exactly what they are doing do they? Well maybe sometimes, but quite often not. The key is to pretend, like landscape gardeners who find a society of a rare bugs living under a statue of a small Italian boy, and are not exactly sure what to do about it, I mean is it wrong to pick up the statue of a small boy? So they call the Vatican to ask for advice, and it turns out the …..

We interrupt this post because I really don’t want to finish this analogy, it’s not where I thought it was going to go, it is no longer flawlessly illustrating the point I was hoping to make, and frankly, like much of what I have been working on today, in both my professional life, personal life, and mathematical life has left me with feelings of frustration and malaise. That’s a real word right? Malaise? Sounds like a food, but I don’t think it is.

See this is what happens when I DON’T wait until super stupid late into the night to write these – well I have learned my lesson, it is not bed time quite yet, but it is also not quite blogging time – I shall instead disappear for an hour or so, and actually relax and decompress for a while – oh fuck, I haven’t done that in days – I’ll come back soon…

Alright, I am back, and I feel pretty bloody good. Yep a little rest and relaxation is what I needed. The old R and the other one, R I think. In fact I now feel so good I think I could even nail an analogy without resorting to routine comedy premises, or underpants humor – ok here goes – today was the best day of my life, because although I faced some trials and annoyances, I didn’t let them beat me, and with a little positive energy that I chose fling at the problem, stimulated by my new mantra of making every day the best day of my life, I came out the other side quicker, cleaner and less slippery than even when I entered – it’s like…. Wait I can do this… um, slippery, entered, came, other side, stimulation, I’m getting the odd idea… wait I’ve got it! – It’s like when you throw a drenched pair of pants at a rambunctious mule, and when he catches them with his invisible magic horns and turns them into a rainbow of heroin filled water balloons, you can’t help but think about drawings of sheltered scoundrels of some sort (boom, snuck the title in at the last minute) perhaps even eight of them, as they evaporate into a collaborated furnishing finisher. Now THAT’S how you nail an analogy! Precise, clean, obvious and Ooooohhhh, oxymoronical, that’s awesome.

The Best Day Of My Life Initiative – Seven day weeks

Hello, hello, hello – well this is certainly exciting – and by ‘this’ I mean THIS, as in right now, what we are doing, which is something different for all of us, for the most part - especially those of you who spend most of their time contemplating the complete saturation of complex machinery trusted with filling gum machines in a philosophical and metaphysical, and possible even obstictypical way, which I began to write with the intent to mock, but now find myself desperately wanting to know more. How long have you been doing this? Really, MOST of your time? Does contemplation ever lead to actual action? Why do I have this entire section within parentheses, aren’t they supposed to mostly be used to indicate a minor point, possibly a degree a two away from the main topic of discussion? Who the hell am I to define, or even discuss the intention and dare I say it ‘rules’ of punctuation? Do you think anyone will Google, or even look up in a dictionary, the word ‘obstictypical’ to see if it’s a real thing? Why am I still exploring this sidetrack? Because I want to, that’s why! Wait, now I am answering these questions myself? Because if I can do that, why did I wait for that particular question to begin the answer part of the session? Anyway I might go finish the thought I meant to make a long way above this, cya!) (Wait, don’t go, I meant ‘cya’ as a message and friendly sign off to that line of thought, not to you the readers).

But I mean ‘this’ as in now, right now, this second, where we’ve all found ourselves at the same place at the same time, only at very different times, especially when you take into account not just where and when we are in the physical reality of the present, but also where we have been, and gone, and explored, before finding ourselves right here right now, at this exact moment, to be reading this blog (you) or writing this blog (me). Wait, unless you are writing this blog too! Wow, imagine if you are? Then what am I doing? What are any of us doing really?

Hang on, hang on – this new blog direction I am going on here in this blog, and by ‘this’ I mean the greater blog, or the royal blog, you know, the entire blog, rather than this specific edition, or example, or specific post of this blog, which makes me think about the fact that all we know right now, in this moment, is all that we know to be present. As in, while you read this blog, perhaps you are at a desk, or on public transport, or even reading this six hundred years from when I wrote this, having found it burnt in giant letter across a canola field, and yes I chose 600 years very, very specifically, it is not some rounded up or down or out number, it is a very intentional and precise number, as is the fact that I chose a canola field, I’m just saying that I know some things people, by which I mean I have predicted some stuff, stuff, given the seriousness of it, that should probably be discussed at a whole different time, and possibly completely different forum. I just can’t even begin to start with it here and now.

Ok fine, I will start – here are some predictions:

1.     In 600 years exactly there will still be humans.

2.     In 600 years exactly these humans will still consume products made out of canola.

3.     In 600 years humans will still occasionally discover stuff.

4.     Like the fact that occasionally other humans will waste a hell of a lot of time burning random ancient and obscure writings in fields of crops.

5.     Just out of boredom basically.

6.     Yes, I am serious, this is very serious, can you believe that in exactly 600 years some humans will not have all their time occupied at all times with relatable entertainment options, work responsibilities, and home life? Wow, such a different time from now, it really makes you think doesn’t it?

The point is that this is not the blog, the time, or the place to philosophize. It’s not about theory, or even relativity, this blog has only one intention or goal – to point out, and explain why, today was the best day of my entire life initiative!

So yeah, that’s all I have time for really, I got a little side tracked for a little while, but I am glad I found my way all the way back to the proper starting point. If I had a little more time I might even expand on where the starting point intended to get me. You know, why today was the best day of my entire life initiative.

Ok fine. I will just a little. Today was the best day of my life because that’s how I have decided to view it at the end of the day, and as much as possible during the day, and that’s exactly what I have done today, so it’s been a rampaging success.

And I have been up to this for a whole week now! It’s pretty damn sweet. Wait a minute, now that I read this back I never opened the parenthesise I so eloquently discussed at the top at all, I merely closed them. And so here it is, yet another reason why today was the best day of my life initiative – I can fix my mistakes anyway I damn well please.

(

Wow, now THAT felt good.

Ps. ‘that’ is a very close cousin of ‘this’ – sometimes it’s nice when family gets togather.

Pps – can Finnish people every finish anything without being mocked?