The Best Day of My life extraction - Shhhh

Here's a peek into my world, a sneak peek even, because what’s a peek without the sneak? Am I right? No I am not. You should get goddamn permission before you peek, ok? And I right this very moment give permission for you to have a peek, sneak, or not, right smack close up on the best day of my life, which is, of course, was today.

Everyday, throughout the day, regardless of what I am up to, as part of my normal routine efforts to make something of myself artistically, I'll pump a bunch of random ideas in the brilliantly convenient notes section of my phone, in fact I'm doing that right now! Wow it's like looking through a peephole on a door and seeing another peephole that's looking at you through the peephole, but what's looking through THAT peephole who knows?

Some of these notes become tweets, or stand-up material, or ideas for books and essays, and yet others, most of them in fact, are not right away allocated to any particular thing. These ones make up what is a list of many thousands of notes kept within my phone and other synced devices, only to be discovered sometime later. So that night, or six months, or six years from now, I'll find them and go 'holy shit! Why the hell did I write THAT down? Was I high on peepholes?'

Well not today good folk of the Internet community, for this very evening, I chose not to wait six months at all, and to instead look through today's unlovable (I was trying to write 'unallocated' and spell check chose to guess 'unlovable'! Hey you know what's unlovable spellcheck? THAT attitude!) so yeah, today's unallo (don't you fucking dare) cated notes today, and discovered they were nothing short of friggin brilliant (and disgustingly lovable - take THAT spellcheck).

So, I never do this, but today I thought I'd share with you some raw genius before all the non-genius bits have been removed, and before a lot of the genius had been added, so we're left with the following, which is clearly already genius!

Note: ‘Davescovery’

Why it’s genius: It’s like a discovery, made by Dave, and that’s me! And I like to discovery stuff!

Why it’s super genius: If I ever get myself a sweet archeology show, and an interest in archeology, I totally have a name for the show. Unless I have a co-host, which I’d like to have, but maybe her name will be Dave too!!!

Note: What The Fleeting Forever

Why it’s genius: I have for ten years or so working on projects under the umbrella of Fleeting Forever, my production company, my publishing house, and my artistic goals – hope to make stuff that people enjoy in the fleeting moment they encounter it, and hope to make something so good it shall live forever. I have long wished to do an interview show under THAT name, where I interview people in the arts about their personal journeys, with a focus on people who still do it just for the passion and who are yet to ‘make it’, cause that’s when the art matters more than anything. I have been thinking of starting it as a podcast in the vein of Marc Maron’s What The Fuck, or WTF, and now I have the a title that honors the master, while simultaneously separating myself.

Why it’s super genius: Opposite to the ‘why it’s genius’ section of this one, that note said a shit load without needing to use lots of words. WTFF. That’s all I needed to say damn it.

Note: ‘Excavate the secret sense of secrets… unearth exhume expose …a secret secret about secrets… a secretion full of secrets… swimming through the secret sense of secrets…’

Why it’s genius: That was just a stream of conscious search for a title for an idea exploring secrets which I abandoned because I stopped liking my initial idea before I came up with a title I liked for it.

Why it’s super genius: Because even though I didn’t come up with a good idea, I don’t have to tell anyone I failed, that’s the joy of secrets.

Alright, that’s enough genius for tonight. I’m off to bed. Wait, wait, wait…

Idea: A sneak peak into the peephole of the stream of consciousness of swimming in secrets!!!

Why it’s a genius idea: Because it’s an idea that combines numerous ideas!

Why it’s super genius: Because it was an earnest attempt, and if you have earnestness then you never, ever have something unlovable. So stick THAT in your peephole and secret it!

Best scheme of my day awesomeness - decision temperatures

You know what I love about the temperature of ice cream that's been left in an abandoned house for three years? 

Exactly, you can rely on it, it's not a mystery, you know precisely what the temperature will be - to the exact degree - room temperature! 

That's trustworthy, everything else is open for debate, EVERYTHING else:

- texture?

- flavor?

- smell?

- quotent of salmonella?

- how many people will yell 'dibs' before you get to? 

- what are the rules and etiquette if two people think they called dibs first?

- of the several people who claim to have a definitive reason why they believe one or another person was in fact the person who called 'dibs' first who is most often considered to be dedicated to truth before any sort of favoritism or bias?

- who gets to decide who is most trustworthy based on that criteria and therefore to decide who called 'dibs' first? 

- who gets to decide who gets to decide who get to decide?

- how many times do you have to say decide before you start to forget what it really means? 

- what are the rules of rumble declared to sort out the all disagreements over both decision makers and who called 'dibs' first?

- Ok knives fine sure, but all sorts of knives? A Swiss army is different to a electrolyzed chefs bone slicing cleaver?

- why can't the two people who called 'dibs' at the same time just share?

- If they get to share, why can't everyone who called 'dibs' get a taste?

- why is speed in 'dibs' yelling so revered anyway? 

- who's eye ball is this? 

- Did someone lose an eye ball during the rumble? 

- seriously, I'll have it if no one else wants it? 

Yep those are all questions open for debate and therefore doubt, and doubt sucks. It's reliability that saves eye balls, which is why I love the best day of my life, I always know when it is, it's today, and that's reliable. 

Today I got up at a reasonable hour, got some work done, I'm on my way to a stand up gig, and I haven't gotten around to eating a meal yet so my losing weight efforts are working some more, in a reliably unhealthy way. Yep today is great. Plus just between you and me I KNOW who called 'dibs' first, but I reliably didn't speak up due to shyness and earned myself a sweet new eye ball! 

The best day ever extravagance - False Bottom Consciousness

Hello everybody, today was the best day of my life, yeah it was, yeah it was. Ok, now I hate myself.

What’s that ‘yeah it was, yeah it was’ shit Dave?

It was just random positivity David.

But it’s lame Dave. It’s like lame street talk sounding stuff, at least in my head, the way I hear it Dave.

Well I say using the word lame is lame. Plus ‘street talk’? Where did you pull that term out from?

Yeah, that is pretty embarrassing, but I am just trying to be positive ok, that is what these best day of your life blogs are all about.

It’s supposed to be the best day of your life too, it’s not all me.

But I am you.

That’s sweet. I am you. It says it all really. Although it’s also really fucking weird.

No I just mean that I am you, like literally. We are the same person.

But there are two of us talking?

Is there? Or have we separated from one only to be one once more?

Ooohhh, profound. Profoundity even.

You’re welcome.

I love you Dave, wait, we stopped saying each other’s names after everything, I have forgotten, am I Dave or David?

It doesn’t matter.

Why not?

Because I am you.

Didn’t we already do the ‘because I am you bit’?

No that was ‘but I am you’ this is ‘because I am you’, they are different, subtly different, but different all the same.

Single tear.

No you don’t.

No I said it rather than producing it, it’s like the modern way of squeezing out a single tear, you’d know that if you knew street talk.

The above did not really happen. I mean it happened, but it didn’t really happen. I don’t want to reveal the false bottom in the bottom of the top hat, because I like you looking at the bunny, and you like looking at the bunny, and because how is a false bottom not still just a bottom? It’s down there, it sure aint up the top, it’s a real fucking bottom, maybe not the bottom bottom, but it could be if it wanted to, you know, but I will reveal the magic trick just this one time, and let you know, against all normal belief, that the above was merely a dramatization of what I think it would be like to have an argument with different sides of my consciousness.

Yep I was merely acting.

No, no, no, no applause needed. I will take a bow, but only because that is the tradition at the end of a performance, and I honor such conventions of the theatre. Also, you are probably looking back over the performance thinking ‘well it’s obvious now, that street stuff was lame, plus so was the use of the word lame, and the use of terms like street talk, yet in the moment it felt real, wait a minute, wow, that wasn’t just acting, that was kick ass acting!’

No, no, no, no applause needed. I did the above performance not to garner applause, no, no, no, no of course not. Applause is a symptom of the disease of great acting, it cannot be, nor has it ever been, the motivation for it.

I bring this all up because today I was at a barbeque and I was fortunate enough to talk about acting with some actors and it was lovely, and inspiring. I haven’t had enough of those conversations recently. Talking craft with a peer is one of the forgotten charms of caring about a craft. 

And I bring this up because it was within this conversation that I finally came to a career defining decision about my ongoing acting career – I have decided that if I was a superstar actor that would be even better than being a megastar actor, because superman is better than megaman, and therefore the word super is better than the word mega, unless you’re talking about like the super in your apartment building, which often isn’t a particularly revered career path, although I don’t think apartment buildings have megas, and therefore even in this scenario super outranks mega.

So am I going to one day be a superstar actor, probably not, but at least I know now what the ultimate goal is, and if that isn’t profoundity then I don’t know what is.

Have you checked out my podcast yet, please

It's Sunday that means it's another time to jump into a BUBBLE with the Yes Vs No boys by POPPING into this weeks episode of Yes Vs No - Episode 20 - Do You Brush Your Teeth With Bubble Gum?










Check out this weeks, and every episode right here:

https://itunes.apple.com/au/podcast/yes-vs-no/id926018891

The Best day ever prophesy – possibly impossibly possible

I have a question for you all:

When you guys are reading two books at the exact same time, one with your left eye and one with your right eye, how do you choose which books to read?

- Do you go for contrast and variety?

- Do you choose one to engage the left side of the brain and one the right?

- Or do you pick two books that compliment each other?

Now I know what you're thinking:

Wow, seriously Dave, you read two books at the exact same time! You're phenomenal!

And in reply, shucks, those are awesome things to say to me. I really appreciate your thought process. Many people would have questioned me over my above questions. Perhaps asked if I was being literal. Maybe tried out reading two books at the exact same time, one with your left eye and one with your right eye to see if you could do it. Maybe looked up on the Internet ‘world’s most incredible people’ and seen how many times my name cropped up. But you guys went right for impressed belief. And I love you guys for it.

Sure it makes you look a tad dumb in the brain, seeing as I don't literally do that, and I was actually speaking metaphorically as a way to talk about the horrific situation developing in the stray hairs found on most bathroom floors, but the point has now become that you think I'm phenomenal? Wow, thanks, that's awesome!

Today was the best day of my life, I saw a movie, I did a podcast, I went to the gym, I ate some delicious food, and I got called phenomenal. It doesn’t get better than this.

The supreme day of my life scheme – Screaming foxpen relateability

I like to think that if my best friend weren’t a banana then I would spend way less time than I currently do screaming:

‘I already told you; there aren't any monkeys in the apartment. There are NONE. Ok? I fucking looked, I set traps, I asked around, and also THERE NEVER HAVE BEEN ANY FUCKING MONKEYS IN THE APARTMENT! OK? So, please can we just get through one fucking movie without you hitting pause and saying “what was that, is there a monkey in the apartment?” or “holy shit, I heard something, there better not be a monkey in this apartment” or “why is that door open, you’d tell me if there was a monkey in the apartment wouldn’t you?” Can we please, OK? There are no monkeys here, zero. This is a monkey free apartment. I am a hundred percent positive there are no monkeys here. If there were monkeys here I would say “hey, check it out, monkey”, but I haven’t fucking said that have I? Have I even said anything even slightly like that? No, I fucking haven’t! So stop fucking hyperventilating, stop twitching like a duckling in a foxpen, and just watch the movie, Ok? And for the record, there aren’t any monkeys here because you are my friend. And friends don’t invite over other friends who enjoying eating their friends. Or do you somehow think, that after all this time we’ve been friends, that I wasn’t actually your friend, and would fucking fuck you over and invite a fucking monkey to visit? Ok? I’m putting in the fucking movie. And before you even goddamn fucking think of asking, no there are no god damn fucking monkeys in the movie, and even if there were, even if there was MORE THAN one fucking monkey in the fucking movie, like I said when we watched the first thirteen minutes of Hangover 2 before I had to physically wrestle you out of your fucking panic attack MONKEYS CANNOT FUCKING EAT YOU THROUGH THE SCREEN! OK?’

Which, of course, I would be fine with. But then again, if my best friend were a banana I’d probably spend way MORE time than I currently do screaming:

‘So giving me the silent treatment again you passive aggressive cunt’.

Which, of course, I would not be fine with.

Today was the best day of my life, even though it was a little like having a banana as a best friend. I thought someone had done something bad to me, and then it turns out they almost certainly didn’t, and are actually possibly a really good person.

Well ok, it’s not exactly like having a banana as a best friend, it’s more like being a banana and being best friends with a human, but I didn’t want to put it that way, because my best friend, this pair of broken sunglasses with one of the panes of glass missing and the other slightly cracked just screamed at me ‘didn’t I tell you last time that people wouldn’t understand you being a banana who is friends with a human, well it didn’t work fucking out did it? So just tell em’ something perfectly relatable, like you’re friends with a fucking banana, ok?’

Sometimes you have to listen to your friends.