My new invention

Sick of not being able to eat salted nuts while using your computer in case you get salt on your keyboard? Um - ready, here's my new invention - Saltless Salted Nuts! #nailedit 

Keyboards and salted nuts can finally live in harmony once more #yourewelcome 

Your last minute Halloween costume advice is here

Great news - It's not too late to spend your Halloween in what is sure to be deemed the hottest, sexiest, coolest, most original, best, awesomest, hottest, sexiest costume out there. Not only that I right now are giving you, my awesome readers, exclusive and brilliant advice on how to pull this costume off with such specific perfection that people will be all like 'wow, you nailed it'.

That's right people - this years hottest costume IS.... ME - that's right you can go to your Halloween party dressed as David Tieck.

Here are some exclusive tips on how to be me right:

- I wear crazy and colorful mismatched socks, mostly because I am too lazy to bother to find matching ones

- I wear converse shoes, unless I am too lazy to tie shoelaces, which is almost always

- I have a dark and bitter soul, but it's painted pink!

- Please don't imitate me and yet change me, keep the slutiness in the chest, not the genitals please 

- I like silly t-shirts 

- I only ever cry from the left eye, make sure your tear marks reflect that 

- Have I ever pooped my pants as an adult? Yes I have. Just saying. 

- I hold my beer can in my RIGHT hand, my vodka drinks in the left, and for some reason always have three drops of urine on my underpants

- I like terms such as 'mongoose face', 'candle degenerates' and 'cunt' use them haphazardly yet with caution, especially 'candle degenerates' 

- If there is one thing I love it's TV remotes - but I don't love just one thing, I'm not a psychopath, mix it up 

- I have lots of psychopathic thoughts, make sure you do too - be creative, no one likes a psychopath who is all cliche

- I have insomnia eyes, if you're not willing to skip sleep for the accurate look then being punched in the eyes can do the job

- I only ever tan my back - I don't want to prematurely age my face, I'm not an idiot

- I'm covered in bruises from walking into things idiotically 

- I desperately NEED to go to space one day, you MUST too

- Not enough to like work towards it though of course, I am too lazy to tie shoelaces for Christ sake, don't embarrass me by making me look all.... Worky

- I never, ever repeat myself, ever

- Did you think I was going to follow that by repeating myself for a cheap laugh? Shame on you, you disgust me

- I often have snot in hair 

That's about it! Have a great Halloween as me! Don't embarrass me please!

Oh oh, 

- I am very easily embarrassed oh and 

- I have a dark and bitter soul, but it's painted pink!

See what I did? Ha ha, I repeated myself even though I said I never do, ever, and I did it just for a cheap laugh! Ha ha! 

Oh oh, 

- deservedly embarrassed

- too lazy to care 

- can someone organize that space trip for me please? I really wanna go. 

Purely Marvelous

I'm talking about myself of course - and my book about what a big fucking idiot I am.

Here is a review from a stranger on Barnes and Noble - thanks 'anonymous' - you're awesome.

'This is one funny book! Only bad thing is that it is the only one I can find by him. I keep reading parts to everyone who will let me, and some who won't. He almost makes me cry but then next thing I know I'm cracking up. P.S. Bonus points for a great idea about nostril storage'

Buy a copy please - I really need some sales, like really!!

Buy it at Barnes and Noble here

Or amazon here

You could end up a super happy fan like this awesome fan:

With beautiful, humble, personalized dedication like this one:

Don't you want this kind of awesomeness? Yeah you do - I won't as you to buy it again now, because why on worth wouldn't you? But do buy it, I would like a few more sales, like REALLY!

Ps, for the record Anonymous, my other book out is this one:

LMV52T

Yay - I'm awesome 

And now in honest advertisement

After 25 years of making frozen pizza we've learned a thing or two, mostly that it's not possible to make a frozen pizza that's any good 

So buy one of our frozen pizzas today - disappointment guaranteed 

My take on Syria: a smarty pants one

If vampires have been around for hundreds of years then how come there is no records or even stories of them hanging around World War One?

Hey, vampires, what are you too good to suck the blood of a sixteen year old Austrian boy in a muddy rat infested trench painfully dying from seeping bloody and puss oozing wounds all over his skin and inside his lungs after a mustard gas attack while a fellow soldier tries to steal his socks and a giant rat gnaws out his left eyeball?

Stay tuned next week for my take on fart noises: A hard hitting exposé pants one.

Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me (this is a blog about an opportunity to vote for me)

Oh yeah, I have minions - hey minion type awesome people - Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me, pleeeeeaaasssseeee!!!! If I win I will give everyone who voted for me $5! (subject to tracking me down where ever the hell they send me, and saying 'hey, I'm (insert name), and I voted for you I swear!!!) 


 Click these words you're reading right now to vote for me - yes these ones


(Amount I'll give you may vary based on currency of country I am in, let's make it $5 US equivalent, or like 7,840,000 Lybian Gaddafis)

 Oh also, enter yourselves, we can support each other, that's how awesome we all are:)

These are really cool

I've been thinking about doing some re-posting of cool things I find that I like to make up for the fact that I don't have time to write blogs as often and yet still want to keep people coming to my blog, and because I'm awesome - Click this link below this text to see some cool photos

Click here on these words you are reading right now to see the photos which I determined to be cool

And here are some photos that I took which are worthy, if not more than worthy than the ones linked above, that I just spent two hours looking up, because I don't have time to write much anymore these days

And now signs you may be a scientist

1. You do science
2. You like it
3. You drink orange juice out of old acid beakers
 4. Your car has a bumper sticker that says 'I'm a scientist'
5. You see a sewer rat and arrogantly proclaim 'I could grow an ear on that'
6. You've never owned a trans am
7. Your favorite character on breaking bad is the main guy, the sciency one
8. You KNOW how they get the bones out of the boneless chicken wings
9. You light your cigars with a bunsen burner
10. You've had sex wearing nothing but a white lab coat
11. People call you up and say 'I've got a science question for you'
12. You know the answers to their questions
13. You're fond of starting sentences with  'if my calculations are correct'
14. People introduce you with 'this is my friend, he's a scientist'

There you go - if it turns out you are a scientist then congratulations - if not it's ok, you could still be one one day, I recommend starting with number 12. Knowledge is power!

Ok, I'm confused and scared

 I have a t-shirt with vegetables on it desperate for people to eat more meat and save their lives, but now I have a bag of veggie chips with vegetables on it begging to be picked to be chipped! Clearly at least one set of these vegetables are being forced at gun point to say these things, but which?

Late to the joke party

So NBC were holding a special work shop for wanna be talk show writers like myself, so I of course was pumped to be a part of it, only I am a dumb idiot face who thought submitting would be easy, and waited till the last minute and missed it. So basically FUCK NBC (unless they read this and want to call me) I don't want to write for you anyway, I write for me, and MY fans, like the ones who come to this blog - I LOVE YOU GUYS - so here is a sample of what NBC missed out on today :)

Talk show workshop package

Monologue Jokes written for David Tieck

With summer coming to an end fashion experts have been trying to decide what was the look of the summer

Of course for teenage girls is once again 'trying to make my dad kill himself'

Officials say the recent developments in the war in Afghanistan have caused significant setbacks to both the Taliban and Al-queda

Meanwhile Chris Cristie’s last trip to the buffet completely eradicated an entire breed of pig

Kanye West has recently claimed that he is the 'Michael Jordan' of music

And it’s clearly true because the best parts of his albums are always the 'air' between songs!

Katy Perry is now an ambassador for shoe manufacture Adidas
It's all a part of their new advertising slogan 'it doesn't matter how ugly your shoes are if everyone is staring at your chest'
Meanwhile Kira Knightley has was recently overheard saying 'you think my shoes are cute right?'

Last week was national friend week

Where we are reminded that dogs are mans best friend, diamonds are a girl’s best friend, and a dog who swallows a diamond buys a surgical veterinarian a new car

Billionaire Richard Branson is getting set to unveil his new space ship which he claims will take tourists into space for $200,000 from 2014

It sounds like a lot until you realize that’s the projected cost for 2014 Yankee tickets

Book fans have been buzzed recently as it was discovered that best selling novel ‘The Cuckoo’s Calling’ was actually written by Harry Potter scribe J.K Rowling

Meanwhile I have released my more realistic version of  'The Ugly Duckling' where the mean bully ducklings all end up dying in drunken street drag race crashes

Surgeons in Baltimore recently removed a kidney through its donor’s vagina

Which is great news for Sharon Stone, despite all odds, her vagina may once again be useful

An 18 year old Lebanese woman has proclaimed that she would love to be a film director, but if this doesn’t work out she’d be happy to become a suicide bomber

Although a Hollywood career advisor has warned her; unless she focuses on a single clear career goal she’ll probably just end up in porn 

 

 

 Thank You Notes for Jimmy Fallon

Thank You butterflies for being way better than god’s first attempt Margarine Wasps

Thank You the word ‘Boing’ for only getting more and more awesome no matter how many extra Os you add - ‘Boooooooinng’

Thank You self-improvement for being far more achievable than my previous goal of ‘stealth’ improvement

Thank You ‘mid sized sedans’ for being a way cooler term than the original ‘giant sized misshaped small trunked family friendly mini vans’

Thank You adding ‘man’ to the end of sentences, being a way for kids to progressively mature away from ending sentences with ‘dude’

Thank You the television show ‘Nashville’ for being officially the worst spin off show ever, after capturing practically none of the spirit of the parent show ‘Smallville’

Thank You wallpaper for saving paint to huff for those last few fans of Chris Brown

Thank You sharp knives for being way better dinner companions than trampoline buddies

Thank You Super Shuttle for taking me to the airport with drivers with such bad BO that I can barely smell my fellow passengers curry breath

Thank You ‘center of attention’ for being so easy to achieve, just as long as you’re willing to permanently staple an aardvark to your face

They also missed my panicked 'fuck only one minute left' essay on why I want to write for late night - 'I really like it'. Oh man, I need more time to write again, seriously. Here's hoping. 

The review is in

Just a bit of running feedback on EMM, so far I am 70 odd pages in, throughout I have experienced a number of varying emotions, including: happiness, I have laughed so loud that an entire cafe turned and looked. immense frustration, to the point of wanting to slap you for your decision making. Sadness, I have wanted to give you a hug. Empathy, I have identified with a lot of what you have said.
Most of all I have felt inspired. While I will never truly understand what's going on in your head I feel privileged to be allowed to live vicariously through your book to see the world through your eyes. It makes me look at my own life and to see what's important.
Thank you DT. I am looking forward to reading the remaining 170 pages and feeling even more inspired.

By Andy Day


Thanks Andy! You're a legend :) (Plus you're experiencing exactly the reactions I hoped for!)

Buy the book!!!

Rolling stone and 3 questions

I don't get all the controversy over the Boston bomber being on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine, sure he's evil scum but he's still better than their 1st choice - a photo of the broken condom that resulted in his birth! I mean no one wants to see that, plus why did his mother  keep a photo of it? Why why? Why?

Weather boy to the stars

It's the Larry David news - starring David Tieck as your weather expert - anyone want to hire me? I don't mind standing in the rain, but just don't make me face the wind - I HAAAAATTTEEE WIND!!!