The Best Day of my life exploration - very classy

I'll tell you something about silverware that not a lot of people think about:

If you drop it to the bottom of the ocean and then come back in fifty years and discover octopuses have evolved to the point of eating their dinner to a human standard level of upper-class sophistication then that was probably really, really good quality silverware.

I mean it didn't rust, possibly due to lack of oxygen just to get all sciencey on you. It was able to turn octopuses into 'upper class' sophistiphy, so there must have been at least three different types of fork, possibly even one for salad, which means these octopuses must now be farming lettuce, and with no oxygen, that's remarkable. Plus it's silverware, not cutlery, which means it may well be made of silver, which is one of the most valuable metals known to man. So valuable in fact that it's the only metal you can hand someone and guarantee you know the exact thing the person you're handing it to is thinking 'Pffftt, cheap asshole can't fork out for gold?' And yet in this case it's literally forks, so that's irony, which is the world's most valuable literary device. Yep, this is top-notch silverware for sure.

So why the hell did you drop it to the bottom of the ocean? You've wasted fifty years of top of the line silverware enjoyment. You've got to value your valuables people.

And I value my days, which is why today I'm currently enjoying the best day of my life. I say you should do the same, I mean how long do we even have before we're taken over by a merry band of super sophisticated octopi??

This blog was brought to you by my desire to use the word 'octopi'. Octopi a fun word to say for all the family. Suitable for ages 3+

Stand-up set at RnR - the intruder

Sometimes you're doing a perfectly normal comedy set and frankly KILLING, when an uninvited intruder comes on a spoils everything.

The top day of my existence opportunity – forgiveness spirited

 If you ask me brooms got a rough deal, a bad lot in life, I'd even go as far as to say the rough end of the stick, which normally is the end you want cause that sounds like it would be grippy, which means the smooth and sharpened end of the stick would be the other end, and if you get that end you've undoubtedly just been stabbed. Probably after weeks of being lost in the forest with your former best friend, until hunger pains and lack of clean water has driven you both to madness leading to you each trying to hunt each other with crudely made weapons, when really you should be using those skills to make grass skirts, catch a boar and holding a luau, and now that I think about it brooms got both end of the stick literally, but still, no one wants them unless there is dirt on the floor, and that’s sad.

Ok, sure if your friend has gone mad and is trying to hunt you, you can't just bung on a luau and hope he brings cake, or at least some sort of pineapple dish. That's just not realistic. This might sound a little old fashioned, but when a partnership is breaking down because one of the partners is trying to hunt the other, I think it's nice if the saner one, for now, also is the one that makes something with pineapple to go with the boar. Or if pineapple isn't available, say if the forest you're lost in is in the mountains or some other Arctic region, it'd be fine to go with mango or perhaps guava. It's not about your choice of tropical fruit it's about saying to your bloodlusting friend, sure stab me if you want, but my belly will ooze deliciousness, and also picking something that will pair well with whatever sort of dry rub you’ve whipped up for the hog.

In fact in all the movies I've seen where someone was shot or stabbed in their belly I don't think there has even been even the slightest discussion as to what may or may not have been IN that stomach. Well just because movies aren't concerned with realism, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be. Because a nice smelling wound can turn a mean spirited:

'Take that you bastard'

Quickly into a forgiveness spirited:

'Sorry mate'.

And isn’t this the type of world we want to live in? A world where it doesn’t matter which end of which stick you get, and whether it was sharpened well or poorly, whether you were the stabber or the stabbee, or even who’s turn it is to dig the pit to slow roast your swine in?

The point is it's never too late to turn things around, to do something nice, and to make today the best day of your life. I say start by vacuuming the floor, then saying 'there's no dirt here, but let’s grab the broom anyway, not to clean up, but to just chill out with the family, and know what it’s like to get any end of the stick it wants, oohh maybe it’ll bring a papaya smoothie!’

The best Day of my existence constitution – and in triumph we miss

A wise man once said:

'Nobody knows everything'.

Or in its full unedited uncut unabridged brilliance:

'How can you truly say that you know more about everything than any other person knows about anything or ever will know about something unless you're willing to accept that everything is nothing when compared to something that looks like nobody knows everything about nothing when taking into account where ships are built before they sail into the never know of mystery and opportunity before highlighting to foreverness of the something that was forgotten in the everything lost from anything, wait, um… what did you ask, oh yeah yeah yeah, I will take fresh pepper’.

The lesson is that people should edit down to not just a sound bite but to the core of the message:

‘No body cares where a ship is built, only where it sails’.

Oh fuck, I think I accidently actually stumbled onto some genuine wisdom. Whoops. I was just dicking around. Hmmm, maybe it’s cause:

‘Today was the best… etc of my life whatsy’.

Oh fuck, yet more wisdom. I better go to bed before I change the fucking world.

Oh fuck.

‘I better go to bed before I change the fucking world’.

Would be an awesome name for a novel. I guess I got to write that one too. I am a busy, busy boy. I’m just bloody happy that I know everything.

The Best Day of my Life Assignment – an Epiphany of Euphoria

 It was an idea of awesomeness, a brilliant suggestion; I'd even go as far as to say it was an Epiphany of Euphoria! Wow that’s an awesome collection of words, that’s almost title worthy!

This idea could change the world, and I mean in a good way! Unlike those world changing ideas those pesky evil dictators come up with. Seems to me that if someone wrote 'Vote for me and I'll become an Evil Dictator' on their campaign posters you'd be wary of voting for them, mostly cause of that word there 'evil', yet they still get voted in all the time.

Also saying vote 'for me' for that matter, aren't you really voting for a conglomerate of people, ideas, ideologies, and well-tailored business attires? Vote for me, um no, you egotistical fuck. Then again, at least those people who put the words 'Evil Dictator' in their campaign posters are honest. They don't have to put that in there you know. Plus advertising copy is often charged per word, and I'm sure they considered dropping the word 'evil' to save a few bucks but thought 'no, if I'm going to do this I'm going to do it in the honorable way'. And I applaud that.

Well my idea is honorable sure, but to get me a little further away from the evil dictators I now share honor with, I'm going to go ahead and point out that my idea is also pure genius.

Are you ready?

I decided late last night that instead of waking up every day...

Wait I should put some context in here. My days go as follows. I wake up every day hating everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Myself, my life, my work, my environment, the construction work that never ceases near my home, my first pee of the day, everything I need to get done that day, my alarm, my back up alarm, the invention of hitting snooze that promises the joy of getting to go back to sleep but never points out that this means no matter how many times you hit it you also have to cop the utter horror of waking up again, the air we breath and even the delicious smell of cookies baking in the oven, which I hate for never existing in my home.

Then the day happens. Yadda yadda yadda, have a few laughs, get some work done.

Then as bedtime approaches I love everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Myself, my life, my work, my environment, the lovely silence and I never want to sleep, I want to embrace this, I want to enjoy feeling good, especially as I know that come morning it'll all have gone away. I love anything on TV, I love playing guitar, sketching, scratching at mosquito bites, eating so many cookies I can no longer feel my left arm, literally anything except trying to sleep.

Still, even with the knowledge of this pattern, I constantly make late night plans for the early morn that are positive and productive in nature, only to wake up and hate that I ever thought of them.

As was the case last night. I decided at about 4am I would get up at a reasonable hour, and go to a place I think people call 'cafe', and have something people call ‘coffee’ and start getting some work done. Of which I currently have epic amounts, learning lines for a play I’m acting in soon, editing a web-series, promoting a festival show and a book, getting ready for a big stand up competition I am in tonight, and even some proper person jobs like dealing with bills and the like.

Now get this, when I went to sleep last night I promised myself that this morning I would still like the idea of trying out this coffee idea. But when I woke up I discovered this idea to be more horrible than anything any evil dictator has ever made me do.

So we finally reach the brilliant idea…. Ready?

Even though I really, really didn’t feel like it - I decided that I might… ready?

Do it anyway.

And I pulled it off. I even got a little work done while I was there. I even forgave the café after I asked for a large and they said they ‘don’t have large only regular’. Your largest size is the large you stupid fucks. ‘Regular’ should only be for regulars who order the same thing all the time so you can say ‘my usual please’. Yes, they get to call it both a regular and a usual, because they are loyal and that should be respected. Something you only ever get sporadically cannot be ‘regular’. Regular requires routine and consistency, over a period of time, and don’t you dare fucking think that I will ‘regularly’ buy shit from a place who doesn’t know this! I mean come on. Next thing you know some places will start calling their smallest size ‘medium’ and their largest size ‘extra large’ so that people who don’t read their menus closely who want the middle size will end up with a small, and people who want the biggest size will end up with a medium. Nah, that could never happen, that’s just too goddamn stupid. Actually even worse, some places my start calling; say the largest pizzas they sell, ‘family size’. So what just cause I don’t hang out with my family much I can’t get your biggest size, you fucking ‘famliests’.

Famliest – person who carries prejudices against people based on their current family relation preferences or realities.

So yeah, this ‘do it anyway’ thing has worked out well. I might even try it again tomorrow. Plus the day isn’t even at the half way point, and it's already the best of my life!

Alright, now the awesome idea – it’s a chair right, but it’s also a hat, so all day it sits on your head making you look cool, but then if you need to sit you just flip the tables on it (to use a term that’s super insulting to chairs) and sit right down. I reckon I could sell millions!!! Who wants to invest?

The crowning of the best day of my life – costumes are fun

Hello everybody and welcome to another exciting day of the best day of my life, the show where everyday is the best day of my life, because I choose for it to be. Featuring:

David Tieck - as David Tieck the man enjoying the best day of David Tieck’s life.

Today - as the day in question called today for today.

Life – as the choice of existence.

Robotics – as the back up choice of existence if the original choice runs out of batteries, and there aren’t any stores near by that sell batteries, or perhaps even if there are stores nearby that sell batteries but they overcharge for them, it’s the exact same product as they sell at the other store, why the price disparity?

Chase the Beaver – as David’s sidekick the Chipmunk. Of course as you know, on TV a beaver looks way more like a chipmunk than a chipmunk ever could, but in real life you get a beaver to play your chipmunk sidekick and people say ‘I love your chipmunk sidekick, looks like a beaver’ and that’s rad.

Donald – as the security guard hired by Chase the Beaver to stop people chasing him all the time. And yes, he knows he could easily go by ‘Chas’ or ‘has’ or ‘esahc’, but why should he change his name, it’s the people who feel the need to make his name literal who are the real assholes.

Dave Tieck – as David Tieck’s subconscious. Very good David, you are beginning to feel my persuasive powers, soon I will take over your body and we will rule the galaxy side by side, only with you being less by my side and instead just being a little annoying voice in ear that I can easily silence by straitening out a paperclip and poking you with it.

A piece of paper – as a piece of paper.

A guitar – as a guitar

And last and not least.

A can of coke zero – as a can of constantly exploding anecdotes, some of them about gummy bears!!

On today’s episode of the best day of my life, today was the best day of David’s life for countless reasons, including but not limited to:

- I wasn't stabbed today, not even once, and I'm very stabable, because I have really soft skin, and most people who like to stab people are persistently worried about blunting the sharpness of their blade on callouses, suntan, cancerous moles and other common harsh skin irritations.

- I did drink in a lovely vista, and I wasn’t even thirsty, at least not for vistas. Although I was hungry for a vista, but the chef said he’d run out of dew covered meadows, but he promised a new shipment is coming in tomorrow and he wouldn’t dream of serving them all without serving one to me first.

- I was only mildly dethroned from the kingdom of kingship, which would suck if I wasn’t also epically throned at the kingdom of kingspaceship!

Now I am off to bed, because I’m f’n tired, turns out it’s really hard to get a good rest when the people around you are for some reason constantly chasing chipmunks.